[Fire_Star]

Hi guys,

Since I was diagnosed ay the beginning of the year I've kept it a secret from my family. My boyfriend is the only one that knows the full details.

How should I tell them? In the past when I was younger, there were times I was suicidal and I told them, but they did the whole denialism thing - that people might have mental illness but not my kid. Or they felt, mental illness = those stuck in a hospital all the time, everyone else is just being lazy.

I know once I've told enough friends and advocate too loud for mental health that they'll find out from another source and be pissed so yeah... help?

[Skully]

Just sit them down and be honest. If they have been in denial in the past, chances are they may be when you tell them. Or, it could go the other way as well. They could say "ah, it all makes sense now." It is hard to know what their reaction will be but the best thing is to be honest. Do not go into the conversation looking for their "approval" or for them to validate your bipolar, this may not happen. But I am sure telling them will take a load off your shoulders and make YOU feel better.

[Moreta]

Think about it this way: What will you gain from telling them? The satisfaction that you finally know the reason for your behaviour? Most likely if they were in denile in the past, they will have the same reaction now. Do they really need to know? Will it make you happy to tell them?

Personally, I've put my mom a need to know basis, and most of the stuff she doesn't need to know.

[grizmom]

I grew up in a very small town, so I know how it feels to have my parents find out things about me from other people I got my disability back-pay the middle of September 1995 and moved an hour away to a larger city on Oct. 1 1995 LOL...

So if you do feel like it would be better to tell them, I guess you can just say something like "listen, I just thought you should know that I've been diagnosed with bipolar and I'm seeing a doc to help find the right medications." You could give them a list of books to read; someone else will have to help with that because the only one I've read is "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher; it's great but my mom couldn't follow it (in all honesty it is a little hard to follow but I think she wrote it in spurts when she was manic). I've heard that "Bipolar for Dummies" is good. Or you could find some websites for them to read if they are interested.

My parent's reaction...hmmm...they knew something was wrong; that was obvious for a long time so I don't think they were shocked to find out. On the other hand, it took a few years for them to really "get" that it was not going to be fixed quickly, and that I could possibly be on disability for the rest of my life (I hope not, but it isn't looking very promising). For the first couple of years after I got accepted for disability and moved, whenever I would talk to my dad he would ask "so have you been able to look for a job yet?" So I guess they were somewhat in denial; but more about the seriousness of it and not the actual fact that I was mentally ill. They also tried hard to hide my diagnosis from relatives; I don't know if that's because they were ashamed or felt guilty or were embarrassed. ACK! I'm rambling again, sorry...

Now they do accept it but I don't know that they understand it. I also keep them on a need to know basis with the details. Good luck!

[The Crazy Rambler]

Hi Fire Star,

If you don't like them to hear it from someone else, it will be better if it comes streight from you.

Maybe it will help if you bring a brochure that explains what it is, which you can leave there in any case. Denial or not, they might read it later.

Be clear, explain what it is: a chemical imbalance in the brain, hence the meds; so they don't feel responsible. Although it can have genetical components too, it might not be wise to mention that one!
Explain how it looks like for you, but keep it to facts. I wouldn't make yourself too vulnerable, you don't want to set yourself up to be hurt.

Don't expect understanding if they haven't showed this in the past. I am sorry they haven't taken you seriously in the past, that stinks! Good for you that you have overcome and you are still here!!!

If they get unpleasant about it, leave it be. Just remember: if that happens, it is NOT your fault!! It is their problem, try and leave it with them when you close their door behind you. I know it hurts, everyone would like their parents support and approval. But if they can't give it to you, it will hurt even more to keep trying to get it or expect it.

Find friends, a support group, to set up a support network around you that can help you idetify what moods you are in and when you need to do what. Your pdoc and T (if you have one, if not, I strongly suggest if at all possible to find one, preferably one with experience helping bipolars, or do therapy with your pdoc; whichever works for you) should be involved as well.

Good luck and let us know what you decide and how things are going for you!!!

[Fire_Star]

Thanks all. I think I will tell them. I just feel weird not. Not because I think just cause their my parents and they have some sort of 'right' to know. I just want to be free to speak openly about. I know in reality, no one can speak freely really due to stigma, but I at least want the freedom to know my family members can't go 'You share with others and not us, after all we've done for you' rant.

Maybe I'll get my boyfriend to be with me. He had to take care of me when I crashed recently, he hasn't seen me like that before, so maybe if they hear what he's had to deal with too it may stop them thinking it somehow they're fault.

grizmom, oh man my mum would totally be trying to stop our relatives finding out. Hell, she tries to stop my relatives knowing I have a boyfriend!

[Eloise42]

Having someone with you to back you up and support you is a good idea. And I agree with what other people have said, make sure you aren't harboring any optomistic expectations.

Six years after being diagnosed my mother was still in quasi-denial. Finally my friend Mark got fed up and pointed out to her that she wasn't part of my daily life when my symptoms became more and more pronounced (I went away to college). He had been around me before and after I was diagnosed and explained it to her.

I'm really lucky he did that for me because she is finally coming around. Bring the boyfriend I think it will help both them and you.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by Fire_Star

Thanks all. I think I will tell them. I just feel weird not. Not because I think just cause their my parents and they have some sort of 'right' to know. I just want to be free to speak openly about. I know in reality, no one can speak freely really due to stigma, but I at least want the freedom to know my family members can't go 'You share with others and not us, after all we've done for you' rant.

Maybe I'll get my boyfriend to be with me. He had to take care of me when I crashed recently, he hasn't seen me like that before, so maybe if they hear what he's had to deal with too it may stop them thinking it somehow they're fault.

grizmom, oh man my mum would totally be trying to stop our relatives finding out. Hell, she tries to stop my relatives knowing I have a boyfriend!

Taking your boyfriend is a great idea! Let us know how it goes...and if they act like a couple of tosspots, it is their problem and NOT yours!!

[Dave255]

Your parents might respond very poorly when you first tell them. When people are first given very bad news or shocking news they of often don't know how to react to it. It can take time to digest it right away, after time they should start to come around.