[birdcrazy]

Sigh,

I am working now, but it's just a temp job. My problem is that I'm getting stressed out and depression is starting to pop through. I can't lie very well, and my roommate today asked when I was talking about my past job why I left, and it was because of bipolar. I told her it was something medical and I didn't want to talk about it. Now she's probably wondering what's wrong.

Anyway, I want to succeed in live, but I'm considering giving up and trying to get on SSI. My biggest problem is that my meds interfere with my thinking skills, to the point that I used to be so bright and looking forward to being a scientist to wondering if I should just forget about that career goal. People correct me all the time on stuff now and they must think I'm mentally challenged or something. I'm thinking of talking to the SSI office or somebody else to try to figure out if I have a case now.

I'm having pretty random crying spells I'm trying to hide from everyone else. I'm crying right now, and it's not good, I'm so overreacting.

I'm pretty much okay when working or talking to people, it's when I am alone that I act up.

I just don't know what to do.

[lynn P.]

I thin you should discuss this with your doctor - maybe he/she can adjust your meds to help you focus better. Are you a student? I think you should try this route first because giving into to SSI - there's nothing wrong, if one day you do go that way but see what the doctor says. I don't think you should give up your dream of being a scientist. Can you learn some relaxation techniques - stress can fog your thinking so if you can get a handle on the stress, you'll be more focused. Live in the moment and don't get ahead of yourself. I hope you feel better.

[grizmom]

I agree that you should talk to your pdoc first...here is a link that gives the criteria for getting disability for a mental illness; maybe you can print it out and talk it over with your pdoc if you think you meet the criteria? Just an idea...good luck and I hope you are able to continue on without having to go on disability!! http://www.marthachurchill.com/ssmibasic.htm

[NuckingFutz]

I do not think SSI is giving up. I think of it as a way to work on the depression in order to be able to go back to work if possible. That may mean therapy or a med change or even education for a career change. SSI even has a return to work program. I am not sure where you got the idea that being on disability was "giving up" but my ex-fiancee felt the same way you do and broke tp with me for this very reason. Is there some kind of stigma attached to being on disability?

[birdcrazy]

I'm not a student right now, but I'm working for a university hoping to get in as a grad student. I almost got into grad school, but at the last minute there was a technicality, it was the professor's fault, not mine. This is my fourth summer of research... it's sad I have to do this much research without being a student. I guess if I did get in, I could probably get lots of support from the university from disability services or something.

I have medication to last this job, but I'm hundreds of miles away from pdoc right now. Plus I am afraid to adjust meds when I am working and I don't have that many symptoms except the breakthrough depression and in general acting stupid, I have lots more symptoms off meds.

Looking at that link you just provided, I would have little chance. In fact, on meds, my functioning level number is higher than most people I have been told. Off meds however, I am severely incapacitated.

I just feel like though I wouldn't function well in higher academic pursuits now on meds. I could work at a normal job, but I have little chance at getting a job at a department store or something because they would think I would leave to do some random research eventually.

[birdcrazy]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I do not think SSI is giving up. I think of it as a way to work on the depression in order to be able to go back to work if possible. That may mean therapy or a med change or even education for a career change. SSI even has a return to work program. I am not sure where you got the idea that being on disability was "giving up" but my ex-fiancee felt the same way you do and broke tp with me for this very reason. Is there some kind of stigma attached to being on disability?

Well, for me personally at the functioning level I am at, I would be like giving up. The doctors keep saying that I am doing so well, but I am crying all the time and stuff and that's not good. One of my last jobs, a person working there also had major depression, but she couldn't do the job well either, if it starts affecting my job that's when I'll think about quitting.

[stove14]

Hi Birdcrazy,
I think I understand what you are saying, about the meds interfering...When I tell someone that I don't feel competent they say "oh but you are" and I have to explain that ok, yes I am not stupid, thats not what I am trying to say...what I mean is that I USED to be able to DO MORE, know more, remember more, think better - I know I did, I can remember being able to think things thru and to be able to remember and to be able to comprehend and figure stuff out...now its all swirly,jumbled,and I am not as competent as I used to be...and I get told ALL THE TIME :"Oh, the forgetting is just a part of getting older(I'm almost 49) - EVERYONE does that!" -How do you explain the QUALITY of your diminishment to someone who has NO reference point?
and my spelling and basic writing - grammer is SEVERLY affected and most of the time I can not get the stupid spellcheck to work...
LOL, I'm sorry it seems this is something that brings out some frustration and anger issues for me... I did not mean to get on a soapbox and I apologize if I offend..was not my intention, I just wanted to let you know that I empathize.

[sugahorse1]

I'm currently really battling in a full time job. Being very snappy and forgetful. Some days I'm like an energiser bunny getting things done, but on the whole I prefer just being left to my own devices

[jdajda]

Being on SSDI or SSI is not giving up! I had to go on it 15 years ago, and I don't feel like I've given up. I felt and still feel sometimes like a low class citizen and useless to society, but those are my FEELINGS. Truthfully it has given me the freedom to help myself and help others.
Even more truthfully though I'm not doing real well lately.
Janis

[Skully]

My doctor has filled out a temporary disability form for me. I am college educated and have held very good jobs. All of course, I was fired from due to inability to preform tasks and relate to coworkers. I do not see it as giving up but as a rest period. If I am on SSI then I will have more time to concentrate on my illness and on recovery so one I can be a functioning member of the workforce.

[sugahorse1]

I can really empathise. sorry things are going so bad - i'm thinking of going from a full time to a more flexible or part-time type of job

[birdcrazy]

It got worse, I was fired for not being physically fit enough....

I have no clue what to do now. I have to go home where we were living in poverty before I left.

I don't know still if I can get SSI, but I might have to try, but still despite schizoaffective I probably don't meet the disability standards on meds, unless my muscle weakness counts as one (they tried to dx me as a kid with some sort of muscle problem, but couldn't figure it out).

What hurts so much is the job was finding bird nests and I was actually finding more than the other girl they hired. The problem was that I couldn't go to areas of the sites where they wanted me to, I was stuck at the easy areas and that was no good.

[Eloise42]

In terms of what to tell other people I usually go with insomnia, anxiety disorder and/or depression. These are things they can understand and don't carry the stigma that the word bipolar does.

Sounds like you are depressed lately?

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by birdcrazy

It got worse, I was fired for not being physically fit enough....

I have no clue what to do now. I have to go home where we were living in poverty before I left.

I don't know still if I can get SSI, but I might have to try, but still despite schizoaffective I probably don't meet the disability standards on meds, unless my muscle weakness counts as one (they tried to dx me as a kid with some sort of muscle problem, but couldn't figure it out).

What hurts so much is the job was finding bird nests and I was actually finding more than the other girl they hired. The problem was that I couldn't go to areas of the sites where they wanted me to, I was stuck at the easy areas and that was no good.

I'm so sorry this happened! There is no harm in applying for SSI; I don't know what the criteria is as far as physical disability. I think losing your job as a result of your physical limitations would definitely be taken into account. It sucks to lose a job that you enjoy! Let us know how you're doing!!

[little*rhino]

Birdie... i am so deeply sorry. i've been cheering as hard as i could for you in this one.

But... deep breath, ok?

it's a very bad situation, no doubts there, but beware of getting caught in the panic. Take deep breaths, think... use that gifted brain of yours.

you had been checking job sites... keep doing it

go into the nearest town and go to whatever form of employment offices/services they have and tell them you need to find work or you are going to end up a burden on their system. DO NOT tell them upfront anything about being from out of state.... tell them that only if you need to

GET determined... truly

birdie... i've told you i admired your spark to go do this and damn, don't give up now. SOmething in you wanted to succeed... find that part of you and hold onto it.

ask yourself to think about how you felt when you decided to try to get this job... what was that? what motivated you? how did you make yourself do it all? Find those answers and dwell on them...

i wish i could just make it better for you... but dont give up

if SSI will be of help then fine, but don't look to that as permanent... you deserve a good life

i am sad for you, i really am... but i am still quietly cheering for you because no bad situation can really take away your spark

Originally Posted by birdcrazy

It got worse, I was fired for not being physically fit enough....

I have no clue what to do now. I have to go home where we were living in poverty before I left.

I don't know still if I can get SSI, but I might have to try, but still despite schizoaffective I probably don't meet the disability standards on meds, unless my muscle weakness counts as one (they tried to dx me as a kid with some sort of muscle problem, but couldn't figure it out).

What hurts so much is the job was finding bird nests and I was actually finding more than the other girl they hired. The problem was that I couldn't go to areas of the sites where they wanted me to, I was stuck at the easy areas and that was no good.