[sugahorse1]

I know this may seem like a random post, but I find myself asking myself this question: Am I really happier than before I started on meds? Do i need to increase my dosage, do I need to change meds altogether?

As a rapid cycler I'm always up and down, I don't know when the up episodes are caused by my medication kicking in, or is it a hypomanic phase?

Am I feeling depressed, anxious, stressed, irritable or having a mild panic attack?

I don't how many people out there battle to link the words with their feelings. We never get told - this is what anxiety feels like, this is what depression feels like...
Or what the "norm" is.

I am really just very confused right now. Thursday I started feeling good and energetic, with little sleep. Friday I acted impusively and bought a pet chameleon. Saturday I went on a shopping spree, but was getting very snappy; still couldn't sleep too well though. Yesterday I felt "anxiety" and just wanted to cling to my b/f - physically and emotionally. Today I just don't know what I feel. I went off the handle at work, now feel like retreating and hiding behind my desk. Took an anxiety tab just now, but wish I didn't feel anything.
I'm spending most of the day staring through my computer screen instead of doing much work. I feel like reaching out for help, but then a part of my feels I'm actually doing OK - I'm coping. Or am I really?
Haven't spoken to my p-doc in 2 weeks, and I think I was supposed to give her an update - but I actually don't know what to say right now...

[Fire_Star]

For me, hell yes they help. However I've only been medicated since March. They helped me come out of a manic episode. I started on another med recently to help with my psychotic symptoms and they're already in control. No bad side effects either though I've never been sensitive to meds so I'm lucky with that. It also helps me that I do therapy with my pdoc instead of a separate person. My pdoc picks up on everything pretty quickly so he adjusts my meds whenever he notices that I'm losing it.

I still get freaked out, at the moment I'm dealng with rage outbursts. I seem to get really pissed off at night for no reason. All well. I still feel a bit messed up and it's always hard to deal with people but I feel I have a bit of strength to get on with things now due to my meds.

"'I'm spending most of the day staring through my computer screen instead of doing much work."
You're not alone - I've been doing the same. I sit there pretending I'm type or look through papers. :P Just tell you pdoc what you tell us here. I worry about talking to my pdoc because I'll use words like 'thingy' and 'er yeah' too much. :P

[sugahorse1]

I'm really feeling terrible right now

[sugahorse1]

Am hitting such depression I feel like taking a handful of sleeping tabs and sleeping through this episode; just to wake up to sunshine and happiness. I become my own worst enemy in times like this

[Shakti]

We all become our own worst enemy during times like this. But that you see this is something important...

As for the meds I take, I do think mine are working. If so, it would be the first time I've been stable since this mess all started three years ago. That said, I've only been on this combo of meds a month or so. Before getting on these meds I was an ultra (!!) rapid cycler with a lot of nasty mixed states and a lot of depression. I feel a little flat these days, but it's a trade-off--I've had one or two moods dips that were bearable and only lasted a few hours. I still need my general anxiety addressed by a pdoc, but the mood swings are much more in control. The flatness is fine by me, especially since I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm adjusting to being in a truly "normal" range most of the time again. I don't expect this to continue indefinitely (always waiting for the other shoe to drop), but I feel very hopeful that it can be managed. If I could stay exactly as I am now, I'd be ecstatic about that, semi-flatness and all.

[Fresia]

I definitely cannot go without the meds. It was much worse for me without them. It is a fine line though between too much and too little. I cycle daily but am having to constantly adjust them. It is hard to tell the difference between stress, panic and other emotions and new cycles that have been triggered by these things. I took classes in DBT, dialectic behavior therapy to help sort through this. But though it has helped tremendously, it can't replace the meds in my case. It has taken some time though to find the right meds and the right combination and range. I have to keep in constant contact with doc, as in some instances more meds are required but too much can actually send me into a hypomanic spell. I tell him what all is actually going on, has helped him make more informed decisions about my treatment. It is a delicate balance. If you haven't talk to the doc, this has been my biggest help and ally. I'd encourage you to do so. Hang in there!

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I don't how many people out there battle to link the words with their feelings. We never get told - this is what anxiety feels like, this is what depression feels like...
Or what the "norm" is.

I am still working on identifying my feelings and moods; I keep a mood diary and some days it's hard to distinguish between tired or depressed, anxious or angry, happy or hypomanic, etc. I found this link awhile back that helps me sometimes: http://www.kalimunro.com/article_feelings_body.html

I can't remember if you are seeing a T or not; if you are this would probably be a good thing to talk about. When I was in therapy for my anorexia my T and I did a lot of work on this, and I've gotten better at identifying feelings but still need to work on it. As far as what to tell your pdoc, you could just tell him/her exactly what you posted here.

[Dave255]

If I don't take lamictal for a few days my mood plummets. Seroquel keeps the racing away. It does help with sleep, though it has made me dependent on it to sleep.

Lithium I assume it helps, it doesn't have the same big immediate impact if I miss a few doses like the other 2.

[gravyyy]

I hear you sugahorse.... I really, really question the effectiveness of meds myself. I am still struggling to define what my moods are and just when i think i have it figured out I learn that I'm wrong. I hate it. Im frustrated so I take the meds but I can't honestly if they help or not. It's a really big mess right now. I hope you're able to get things turned around for you. WHen you figure it out let me know so maybe I can get things going better for myself. Hang in there Sugahorse. Keep treading water.

[AuntSusie]

You are not alone. I often can't tell if meds help me, though I know some of them made me very suicidal and I had to get off of those.

Something that helped me was when I made of list of actions that seemed to be keyed to feelings that were going on inside of me (often feelings I couldn't label very well or identify). Sitting in front of the TV or a computer screen for hours on end was an indication to me that I was depressed -- even though I would deny feeling depressed (I might feel pretty good if I'd been watching something that was funny) -- but the activity itself (not talking to people and sitting around watching TV) was an indicator to me that I was depressed.

Calling you p-doc is probably a good idea. Take care.

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I know this may seem like a random post, but I find myself asking myself this question: Am I really happier than before I started on meds? Do i need to increase my dosage, do I need to change meds altogether?

As a rapid cycler I'm always up and down, I don't know when the up episodes are caused by my medication kicking in, or is it a hypomanic phase?

Am I feeling depressed, anxious, stressed, irritable or having a mild panic attack?

I don't how many people out there battle to link the words with their feelings. We never get told - this is what anxiety feels like, this is what depression feels like...
Or what the "norm" is.

I am really just very confused right now. Thursday I started feeling good and energetic, with little sleep. Friday I acted impusively and bought a pet chameleon. Saturday I went on a shopping spree, but was getting very snappy; still couldn't sleep too well though. Yesterday I felt "anxiety" and just wanted to cling to my b/f - physically and emotionally. Today I just don't know what I feel. I went off the handle at work, now feel like retreating and hiding behind my desk. Took an anxiety tab just now, but wish I didn't feel anything.
I'm spending most of the day staring through my computer screen instead of doing much work. I feel like reaching out for help, but then a part of my feels I'm actually doing OK - I'm coping. Or am I really?
Haven't spoken to my p-doc in 2 weeks, and I think I was supposed to give her an update - but I actually don't know what to say right now...

[Eloise42]

When they work it is amazing. I've had long stretches when I was on the right amount of the right drugs and I felt so "normal" it almost seemed silly to take a handful of pills every night before bed. And when that is going well it is WAY better than not being on meds.

I'm also super depressed the last two days. I try to think of it like a head or stomach ache. When you are in the place where there is a lot of pain it seems like the pain is never going to go away. But it does eventually.

[sugahorse1]

I'm not currently seeing a T, haven't gotten round to phoning the one suggested by my pdoc (a. - I keep fogetting or am too busy, b. - I think I'm a little anxious about seeing a T in the first place.)

I have started on Sodium Valporate as a mood stabiliser (about 6 weeks now) but don't think it's made any difference.
My ADs have recently been increased from 1 to 1.5/day.
I am currently cycling about once a week. and it's too tiring to carry on this way. I think more and more about ODing - not suicidal (I'm too rational and analytical for that for now) but just to sleep my way through the episode.
And I'm great at handing out advise - I just cannot follow it myself. Therefore I know this sadness will pass, but I still cannot pull myself together.

[looking4polaris]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I'm not currently seeing a T, haven't gotten round to phoning the one suggested by my pdoc (a. - I keep fogetting or am too busy, b. - I think I'm a little anxious about seeing a T in the first place.)

I'd encourage you to call that T. Mine helps me to figure out when my meds are working and when they need adjustment when I sometimes have a hard time seeing that myself. He's a good objective observer and often notices things that I just don't see myself that help with regulating my meds and my moods.

As far as meds helping...I wonder about that a lot. About once a year I decide they don't do much and quit taking them all and then I realize that they really were making a difference. Unfortunately, they usually have to be adjusted or changed periodically to keep things running smoothly.

Try calling the T. It can be a bit scary at first, but I promise it doesn't feel worse than the lows.

[sugahorse1]

I'm not looking for an excuse to stop my tablets, I just wonder at what stage I can honestly say to my pdoc that this combination of meds is/is not working??

[gravyyy]

If it's been 6 weeks with no improvement or you're feeling worse then it's plenty of time to know it's not working. valproate is one of those drugs that work rather quickly so within the first week or two there should be some change. It didn't help me at all. I just gained like 30 pounds on it (which was okay since I was pretty under weight)! It's time to talk to your pdoc... I agree with the others... call that T b/c sometimes they are able to just give you a fresh perspective. You can take it slow. You don't have to reveal anything your don't want to to the T. It's your choice but I think you'll be better in the long run to see the T. Take care.

[Skully]

The meds help me to some degree. You may need a medication adjustment though. Call and see if you can get an appointment with your pdoc and let him/her know how you are feeling right now.

[sugahorse1]

My cycles are just becoming clearer and more defined than they initially were. And right now I'm down in the pits again; really really am battling. Yes, I can go home and sleep, then I'll wake up OK in the morning and as the day progresses I'll get depressed all over again.

[Skully]

I know how you feel, I often go through the same cycles. I can wake up in the morning feeling fine and happy but by the afternoon I am in bed depressed wishing I could just sleep it all away. It is getting better with my current medications, but it is still there.

I don't believe that meds can make a person happy. That has to come from within. So, am I happier than before I started meds. No, not really. But I do have times of stability where I have more confidence and contentment, and I do think it is the meds to a great extent that have allowed me to experience stability in a way I've never experienced it in my life.

It doesn't sound like your meds are working for you. You really need to talk to your pdoc about that so adjustments can be made. (I know. More adjustments. Grr. It seems never-ending, doesn't it?)

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I don't believe that meds can make a person happy. That has to come from within. So, am I happier than before I started meds. No, not really. But I do have times of stability where I have more confidence and contentment, and I do think it is the meds to a great extent that have allowed me to experience stability in a way I've never experienced it in my life.

It doesn't sound like your meds are working for you. You really need to talk to your pdoc about that so adjustments can be made. (I know. More adjustments. Grr. It seems never-ending, doesn't it?)

Exactly! It took a long time to find the right meds, and now that I'm more stable I'm ready to work on the "finding happiness" part. It's going to be hard work and I'm going to have to change things that have become intrinsic to my personality so it will be uncomfortable and scary, but I am hopeful that in the end it will be worth it.

[Skully]

Having worked in mental health, I was always taught that medication is only half the battle. Changing behavior patterns and ways of being was the other half. Not sure if that helps any, it is clear to me.

Originally Posted by Skully

Having worked in mental health, I was always taught that medication is only half the battle. Changing behavior patterns and ways of being was the other half. Not sure if that helps any, it is clear to me.

At the hospital, they tell us that meds is only about 20% of the battle; the other 80% we have to manage for ourselves through good self-care, therapy, exercise, nutrition, etc.

[gravyyy]

if meds are only 20% of the battle then I'm screwed. I do everything that is asked of me and more. I have actually never missed a day of meds in 2+ years, I have a routine, I have made changes in jobs and put a hold on finishing my Master's degree. Of course behavioral changes and changes in thinking patterns have to happen and there's no medication for that, but meds better be a helluva lot more than 20% of the battle. If that's the case then I'm checking out, done with the game. Even my Ts have said that there's nothing more I can do but wait for the right med combination. If I felt 80% well, then I'd agree that meds only play 20%. That's not the case, I feel like 10% well and it stands to reason that if I'm behaviorally doing everything I can and I'm doing all the work I can do to change thinking patterns the meds better freakin play 90% or else I would never feel better than 30% well and that's unacceptable to me.

No offense intended with this post, I'm just angry at the whole process and am serious that if it's an 80/20 split then I'm outta here. Thanks for posting that, it gave me something to think about.

[bp*april]

I think you will know when your meds are working. I know mine are doing a good job of keeping me as stable as possible. I figure if I'm not extremely depressed or as high as a kite--I am probably the best I am going to be med-wise. I wish meds would do more, but I don't think they will. (at least or me) I take Lamictal 300. Seroquel XR 300 and Pristiq 100. I think you would be wise to ask your pdoc what you can expect from meds.

The way it was explained to me is that their are 8 tiers to our wellness: physical, emotional, mental, psychological, social, environmental, vocational, and spiritual. Our mental illnesses end up causing us to default in our lives in these areas until we get to the point where we are really sick. Meds can help us to stabilize and be motivated to get those aspects of our lives together again, but the meds definitely don't do all the work.

The psychologist outlines the protocols for treating mental illness. By protocols, this means that EVERY ONE of these protocols have to be met in order to manage our mental health:

1. Strict adherence to any and all medication prescriptions (including OTC drugs and supplements).
2. Consistent issue/conflict resolution or management (stress management).
3. Consistent positive self-care practices (key is POSITIVE; SI, SUI, ED, etc. are negative self-care practices.
4. A. Major Depression: Consistent daily physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual activity. Activity is the only sure fire way to combat depressive symptoms.
B. Bipolar Disorder: Consistent daily structure and a reasonable organized lifestyle.
C. Substance dependence: A program for sobriety in the form of group support such as NA/AA (or similar).

Failure to do even one of the above will mean you will have problems managing your disease. I know for certain I come up short in some of this protocols. Something to put deliberate thought into.