[paddym22]

I am just sitting here this morning, its early on a beautiful summers morning and all seems ok in my land. But at the same time my mind is telling me not to be too complacent, you never know when the pendulum will start up again and the mood swings could kick in. I have an eerie cold shiver going down my back. Why cant I just sit back and enjoy the moment and relax. I tell myself ''Come on now, relax, you have been stable now for quite some time, there is no reason to think things will suddenly become challenging'' At least I have therapy to look forward to on Tuesday morning and I can offload some of the more stressful things that have happened in recent days. I check my imaginary mood hygiene list

Eating balanced diet - Check
Maintaining healthy sleep pattern - Check
Getting Exercise - Check
Attending Support Group - Check
Following NA programme - Check
Meds Compliant - Check
Limiting Coffee Intake - Check

I am happy with my medications, I am not overmedicated anymore, an effective new hot off the shelf anti psychotic seems to be very effective for me. I was prone to mixed mood swings that were not responsive to Ltihium or Valproic Acid, the two first ports of call for treatment. In fact I went toxic on Lithium which was not a pleasant experience and then I messed about for a long time from Lamictal, which did work well for a while, but I messed it about and wasnt complaint and it lost its effectiveness, then to a long time on olanzapine which never really worked. I take a low dose anti depressant which keeps the depression in its ugly corner and I take a low dose sleeper for those nights when I just cannot control those racing thoughts which step in the way of getting a good sleep. I know for me, getting 6 to 7 hours sleep is sacrosant, but I often find I have an interrupted sleep. My internal alarm bells would ring if I had two consecutive nights of no sleep, then I would be worried of the prospect of an imminent mood swing.

I have a good relationship with my psychiatrist, we work out my medications together and I very much have the final say on doses and types of meds. I believe in researching as much as possible medications and being armed with questions for my psychiatrist should a dose change or a switch be necessary. I have a great therapist and it is my lifeline, it is my time to be me, to sort out what is real and what is imaginary and an overactive mind at work.

True there are some things in life we cannot control, like certain life events for instance the death of a loved one, or there are other stressors like starting a new job or moving house. I am talking about the high end stress events in our lives. I now have a good support network in place to protect me for such events and it is only through experience that I learnt this. My father died a few years ago which rather than being appropriately grief stricken, I was propelled into a really nasty mood swing which was mostly on the manic end of the mood scale. I was wildly inappropriate and I have to live with horrendously embarrassing memories of what I did and said at the time. I wish that when we were manic that someone would wave a magic wand and wipe any memory of the event into the nether regions. Sadly it doesnt and thats one reason why there is a therapist industry, so that I learn coping mechanisms to get on with life and live with embarrassing memories and things that I did and said. Then there is the ugly dark dank no go zone of depression. My worst enemy. Depression to me is an evil person whispering in my ear telling me lies about myself and making me believe those lies and hating myself. I am a bad person, I am not worthy of my friends and family, I dont deserve to be on this earth, everybody would be much happier if I was not around. Not a lot I can do about in when in the throes of a deep depression but just ride it out and hope and pray that soon some small little light willl flicker in my abyss of a mind and I will see a way out of the misery. There have been times when it has taken my best efforts to stay alive and in this situation I have always been hopsitalised for my own safety. Ah hospital, I welcome it. At least although I may not see it at the time, other people are telling me it will be alright and I dont beleive my own press anymore. In hospital you have no choice but to follow a routine, you have to get up, you have to eat, you have to take part in therapeutic activities and you have to try to sleep. Things I dont do all to well when on my own at home.

I dont have any illusions anymore about the future. Things have never turned out the way like a normal person's life unfolds. The best I can do is live in the moment. For today is today and the present is the present and that is all we can control. I read something somewhere " If I was to live a life always looking forward or back, trying to make things better or figure out where I went wrong, I am in danger of not living life in the current moment. I might be going on a long holiday tomorrow but if I am miserable today the chances are I will be miserable tomorrow regardless." If I am to examine past lives I may be in danger of beating myself up for past mistakes and what could have beens, the past cannot be changed but I am in control to a degree of my future. "I wish I was happier, wealthier, more successful, less lonesome, less bi polar. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and life is passing by."

I am thankful for PC, it really helps me to come online and read other peoples stories. It helps me to get support from similar people who know what I am talking about and can recognise what I am experiencing, maybe give me their opinion on how they manage their challenging lives. It is good to reach out and give support to people who are in the throes of despair, knowing where there are at because I have been there.

So on this balmy May morning I am thankful for this moment.

[musikcrazy]

Thanks for sharing you life with us! I enjoyed reading your post.

Originally Posted by paddym22

I am just sitting here this morning, its early on a beautiful summers morning and all seems ok in my land. But at the same time my mind is telling me not to be too complacent, you never know when the pendulum will start up again and the mood swings could kick in. I have an eerie cold shiver going down my back. Why cant I just sit back and enjoy the moment and relax. I tell myself ''Come on now, relax, you have been stable now for quite some time, there is no reason to think things will suddenly become challenging'' At least I have therapy to look forward to on Tuesday morning and I can offload some of the more stressful things that have happened in recent days. I check my imaginary mood hygiene list

Eating balanced diet - Check
Maintaining healthy sleep pattern - Check
Getting Exercise - Check
Attending Support Group - Check
Following NA programme - Check
Meds Compliant - Check
Limiting Coffee Intake - Check

I am happy with my medications, I am not overmedicated anymore, an effective new hot off the shelf anti psychotic seems to be very effective for me. I was prone to mixed mood swings that were not responsive to Ltihium or Valproic Acid, the two first ports of call for treatment. In fact I went toxic on Lithium which was not a pleasant experience and then I messed about for a long time from Lamictal, which did work well for a while, but I messed it about and wasnt complaint and it lost its effectiveness, then to a long time on olanzapine which never really worked. I take a low dose anti depressant which keeps the depression in its ugly corner and I take a low dose sleeper for those nights when I just cannot control those racing thoughts which step in the way of getting a good sleep. I know for me, getting 6 to 7 hours sleep is sacrosant, but I often find I have an interrupted sleep. My internal alarm bells would ring if I had two consecutive nights of no sleep, then I would be worried of the prospect of an imminent mood swing.

I have a good relationship with my psychiatrist, we work out my medications together and I very much have the final say on doses and types of meds. I believe in researching as much as possible medications and being armed with questions for my psychiatrist should a dose change or a switch be necessary. I have a great therapist and it is my lifeline, it is my time to be me, to sort out what is real and what is imaginary and an overactive mind at work.

True there are some things in life we cannot control, like certain life events for instance the death of a loved one, or there are other stressors like starting a new job or moving house. I am talking about the high end stress events in our lives. I now have a good support network in place to protect me for such events and it is only through experience that I learnt this. My father died a few years ago which rather than being appropriately grief stricken, I was propelled into a really nasty mood swing which was mostly on the manic end of the mood scale. I was wildly inappropriate and I have to live with horrendously embarrassing memories of what I did and said at the time. I wish that when we were manic that someone would wave a magic wand and wipe any memory of the event into the nether regions. Sadly it doesnt and thats one reason why there is a therapist industry, so that I learn coping mechanisms to get on with life and live with embarrassing memories and things that I did and said. Then there is the ugly dark dank no go zone of depression. My worst enemy. Depression to me is an evil person whispering in my ear telling me lies about myself and making me believe those lies and hating myself. I am a bad person, I am not worthy of my friends and family, I dont deserve to be on this earth, everybody would be much happier if I was not around. Not a lot I can do about in when in the throes of a deep depression but just ride it out and hope and pray that soon some small little light willl flicker in my abyss of a mind and I will see a way out of the misery. There have been times when it has taken my best efforts to stay alive and in this situation I have always been hopsitalised for my own safety. Ah hospital, I welcome it. At least although I may not see it at the time, other people are telling me it will be alright and I dont beleive my own press anymore. In hospital you have no choice but to follow a routine, you have to get up, you have to eat, you have to take part in therapeutic activities and you have to try to sleep. Things I dont do all to well when on my own at home.

I dont have any illusions anymore about the future. Things have never turned out the way like a normal person's life unfolds. The best I can do is live in the moment. For today is today and the present is the present and that is all we can control. I read something somewhere " If I was to live a life always looking forward or back, trying to make things better or figure out where I went wrong, I am in danger of not living life in the current moment. I might be going on a long holiday tomorrow but if I am miserable today the chances are I will be miserable tomorrow regardless." If I am to examine past lives I may be in danger of beating myself up for past mistakes and what could have beens, the past cannot be changed but I am in control to a degree of my future. "I wish I was happier, wealthier, more successful, less lonesome, less bi polar. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and life is passing by."

I am thankful for PC, it really helps me to come online and read other peoples stories. It helps me to get support from similar people who know what I am talking about and can recognise what I am experiencing, maybe give me their opinion on how they manage their challenging lives. It is good to reach out and give support to people who are in the throes of despair, knowing where there are at because I have been there.

So on this balmy May morning I am thankful for this moment.

[sugahorse1]

Yes, I too really enjoyed that post! I think we are sometimes too hard on ourselves, maybe not believing we will ever, or deserve to get better.
We really need to appreciate the good times and revel in them - glad you managed this! Your post definitely is inspirational. Glad to see how you take your responsibility for your own happiness serious too and work on what is in your power to change

[perpetuallysad]

Paddy that was really nice. You seem so well in touch with yourself. I commend you for that. I hope one day to have the peace that you see to exude.

[grizmom]

Thanks for sharing and for spreading some hope and inspiration! I'm glad things are going so well for you right now and it sounds like you are doing everything you need to be doing to stay on track.