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#1
May 22, 2010, 09:56 PM
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I can feel a manic phase developing and lurking on the fringes of my mind. Early symptoms: talking way more than usual...I've been on the phone all day, talking to different people for hours at a time. Increase in sex drive. spending money that I really shouldn't be spending, feeling like everything that I was worried about just yesterday can easily be taken care of because I'm so good with solving all my problems (yeah right). Feeling anxious...like I should be doing something but I don't know what.
I don't dread these phases as much as I used to. At least I'll get things done around the house that need doing, i'll make appointments that I need to make, start my job search...all things that I should have been doing but couldn't find the energy or motivation to do. It's not so bad right now, but I hate the feeling of KNOWING that it's coming and having to FEEL myself crossing over. That in between feeling...makes me feel really weird. Once i'm there, I don't think about it, it just is, I don't worry and my thougts, though they are racing even faster they are more positive than negative. What's also really weird is that my family doesn't seem to notice the difference. If they do, they never say anything and I wonder if they even care. I know they enjoy being around me more when I'm manic so maybe that's why they don't say anything, like they think I might stop if I knew they liked me better when i'm manic. Maybe it all just ties into the fact that they don't really think I'm sick, like I don't really have a problem and if they ignore it then it doesn't exist. I don't know I don't know I don't know. Anyway, for some reason I feel like singing that song by Phil Collins "I Can Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight". Oh crap! Should I have used that little trigger sign? I'm sorry. I think I'll refrain from posting anything else until this passes or unless someone tells me I didn't make a big mistake. |
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#2
May 22, 2010, 11:03 PM
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Would it be possible to get in with your pdoc for a med adjustment to maybe ward off a full-blown mania before it hits? I know that the extra energy and motivation can be nice, but the mania can spiral out of control and there is always a possibility of serious consequences. Take good care of yourself and I hope that this doesn't get out of control.
__________________
From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too." My blog, "Life and Other Annoyances": http://jennikj.blogspot.com/  |
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#3
May 22, 2010, 11:21 PM
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Hi Grizmom and thanks. I was considering calling my doc on monday to see if she can switch my appointment to an earlier date because my moods have been switching back and forth very quickly and i'm very irritable with bouts of anger and I know I think my meds need to be reevaluated.
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#4
May 23, 2010, 09:49 AM
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Good luck getting in with your pdoc! Remember to tell her it's an emergency; she might be able to fit you in quickly. It's also possible that she might do a minor adjustment over the phone if she can't fit you in right away, I've had doctors do that for me in the past.
__________________
From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too." My blog, "Life and Other Annoyances": http://jennikj.blogspot.com/ |
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#5
May 23, 2010, 06:34 PM
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Quote:
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#6
May 24, 2010, 12:37 AM
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I want to thank everyone that responded to my post with kind words and advice. Today was not a good day and I feel like s**t. I new the manic phase was coming but I felt so good that I didn't care. Today the anger and irritability kicked in and I yelled at my baby...more than once. I tried not to and she was just being a typical 3 year old but it was like I just couldn't handle her today. I called my niece to try and get her to take her for a couple of hours so that I could try and relax and get myself together but she didn't answer her phone. I feel so bad. I don't want her to grow up remembering a mother that yelled at her all the time. I can't do that to her, she deserves so much more. I'm going to make sure my doc sees me tomorrow, I don't care if I have to sit in the reception area all day, I don't care if I have to make a scene by crying or screaming or whatever. All I know is that I can never do that to her again. Never.
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#7
May 24, 2010, 03:43 AM
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I know how it feels to go off at your daughter for no good reason, looking at her confused sad face, not knowing how to explain your behaviour to her. My daughter is 6, and the only thing I could think of, was to reassure her that it's not her fault... I know all too well the guilt that goes along with mistreating your precious angel, and it can eat you alive. Luckily mine lead to me finally seeking help. I finally setup an app. (after knowing for 10 yrs that something must be wrong with me) haven't seen the doc yet, but atleast I'll have answers soon...Find solace in the fact that your baby will remember above all else, that you love her, she will not dwell on memories of you screaming at her. I think makinga scene at reception is not a such a bad idea if it will help you get a handle on things. I pray that things go better for u soon, and please remember that you have a support base here
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#8
May 24, 2010, 05:06 AM
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Hey Changeling - sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm glad however that you are making the change to see your doc asap. I would imagine that your episodes should be a lot more controlled if you are on the right medication. I noticed this morning I'm entering a manic phase, which I hope lasts until Friday when I write my exams. Doubt it though. Glad that this time I have not yet snapped at my boyfriend either...
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#9
May 24, 2010, 05:08 AM
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You also need to lighten up on yourself a bit. You realise you are battling with BP, and have asked for help from a pdoc - I would put a bit more pressure and get results from my meds, else change them.
Ensure you are doing everything else possible in your life to simplify it, and get rid of any triggers |
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#10
May 24, 2010, 12:22 PM
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Quote:
__________________
From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too." My blog, "Life and Other Annoyances": http://jennikj.blogspot.com/ |
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#11
May 24, 2010, 04:30 PM
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Good luck in getting through this, Changeling412?
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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