[newsoul2010]

I've been struggling so much to keep it together. I feel like I could hurt myself. I feel like if one more thing doesn't turn out the way that I want, I'm going to go off the deep end. I feel so angry so easily now and it has become a daily thing for the past few weeks. I'll be okay for a while and all of a sudden all of the things that have been bothering me will pop up in my mind and I'm in a hole that I can't crawl out of. I've on medication now, but it doesn't seem to be working...it's pretty much all trial and error right now...I feel like a guinea pig. I've also been trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side...things like reading the bible, praying, talking to my aunt (who is a preacher) about my problems. After I talk to her things are okay for a few hours and then I go back to feeling enraged and out of control...I don't know what to do...my life is not the way I want it to be and I don't understand why I deserve to feel this way...God has yet to show me that...I just keep waiting...

[BlackPup]

Hi I'm new here too...
I remember what it felt like when I was first diagnosed... its such a confusing time, and while your working out your meds you can feel so out of control... there were many times where I was really worried where things would end up, and that I would give in and kill myself.
It's great to hear that you are thinking about spiritual things, I find it really encouraging to read the bible, that I could cry out to God when things are bad, and the support of my Christian friends and Pastor has been so amazing. I don't think that any of us "deserve to feel this way", but it is the reality of living in a fallen world, we are broken, no longer a perfect image of God.
As for why - we may never know in this life but God can use bad things for good (Romans 8:28)
When you are troubled call out to God "Cast you anxiety on him because he cares for you"

All the best, hang in there it does get better.

[sugahorse1]

I also clutch to my miniscule spiritual support, especially when I'm gowing though depression.

Can your pdoc give you something to "sedate" you and numb the emotions? I find anti-anxiety meds help to slow my brain down a bit and I feel numb - better than going through depression. And sleep is also my way out