[Trippin2.0]

Last night my 6y.o asked me why I can't be like other mommies...

She asked why I scream and then say sorry and promise not to do it again, Why I cry and cry, why I get sick a lot...and that she knows I'm trying to get better, but when will I be?

When will I be like other mommies?

I FEEL UTTERLY USELESS

[blueoctober]

Trippin2.0 please go easy on yourself and remember your daughter is seeing the "other mommies" for short periods of time, and not living with them. There is definitely a difference.

[sugahorse1]

I agree with Blue. Plus it's not like you're choosing to be this way - you recognise there are things you battle with and have now sought psychiatric help too.
Let the meds do their work - there will be a combo out there for you that works.
Is it possible to remove yourself from your daughter's environment when you feel angry or tearful e.g. can you lock yourself in your bed room, give your daughter to your mom to look after, go visit a friend... anything so she doesn't experience your moodswings?

I know it's hard, but just keep going. You made some brave changes this last while and really need to be proud of yourself

[Trippin2.0]

I try to protect her from it, but she's the one that's always coming to check up on me, and I don't want her to feel rejected, so I don't stop her.

The screaming is my over reacting to things she does, I don't mean to, and immediately apologize, but ja.

I suck

[sugahorse1]

I do it with my boyfriend, I know those feelings of guilt. I keep telling myself it's only temporary, the meds will kick in, and coupled with T, I will learn how to handle my emotions better.

[Trippin2.0]

I feel terrible when I do it to my bf, my DAUGHTER? it feels like downright abuse! She deserves sO much better than me.

[Shakti]

Does your daughter know about bipolar? If not, it's time to tell her. Long past time. She'll understand it. And knowing, she'll be more ok with it. It won't be all roses, sure, but she deserves to know and not to have to wonder. It's confusing to her. Kids are ****ing resilient. They can handle it. They do not need to be treated like little fragile dolls. Which I'm sure you know. This is how I handled it with my son on all sensitive issues from the day he was old enough to ask and understand. He's 14 now and emotionally sensitive, wise, and deeply caring.

If she does know, well, she just needs more understanding. What she wants from you is to be comforted. The why why why questions when it comes to things like this mean make it better make it better make it better. A more thorough explanation and some big hugs and reassurances of deep deep motherly love will help.

My heart goes out to you. My son was about 9 when I had to tell him about this. I held nothing back--not the most joyous of it and not the most terrifying. He had to understand it fully. I'd have done exactly the same if he was 5 or 7 or any age at all.

As to the abuse thing: It is NOT abuse. It is YOUR ILLNESS. At my house I have my own (tiny) bedroom. It's not really a bedroom, per se, but it's my room. It's where I have my shelves upon shelves of books, where I write, where I make jewelry, paint, and it's my yoga sanctuary. I feel like having this place to retreat to has SAVED me and helped keep my relationship with my son and partner whole. This is not to say I don't wig out,too. I do. Oh man, I do. But I know when to walk away and shut the door and be in my sanctuary until I can be rational. When I'm done, if I can handle being touched, I hug my son and tell him I love him. If I can't handle being touched, well, he is FULLY informed about every aspect of this illness and understands. He's not hurt by it or by me because he is in the know. But you NEED a place to walk away to, you need to assert your right to say "I need to be alone for a little while or a long while if that's what it takes" and then go do so. Find a place than can be your sanctuary. Mine has probably saved my life. You may not have a spare room, but you can find a spare quiet space...even if it has to be outdoors.

But I had to learn when to walk away and regroup.

She's 6. She's old enough, if you haven't told her.

When my son was three he asked how babies were made. I told him in FULL and pretty much graphic detail. He listened with a curious look on his face, said "eew" once, and then said "ok" and went on his merry way. No big deal. To this day when his classmates giggle at the word penis or vagina he just rolls his eyes. Kids can handle so much more than we give them credit for. All they need is love and security and the world's truths are there either way. Better they understand than not. Confusion is a crappy state of mind for anyone, especially when that confused person is also worried about you.

I wrote this all pretty much assuming you haven't told her at all or haven't told her the details. If you have I apologize....

[Trippin2.0]

I haven't given her details...just told her I'm a bit different.

What do I say to her Shakti? Where do I begin? I know she'd understand, she a brilliant little girl, but I feel so inadequate, how do I do this??

[sugahorse1]

Trippin - I cannot give you advice, but trust Shakti will be able to shed light on this.

All the best, and I'm very sure your daughter will grasp it, even if only superfically. She's your mom - she'll love you unconditionally. At least being armed with the knowledge of why you react the way you do she will be able to understand.
Thinking of you

[Shakti]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I haven't given her details...just told her I'm a bit different.

What do I say to her Shakti? Where do I begin? I know she'd understand, she a brilliant little girl, but I feel so inadequate, how do I do this??

This is what I said to my son, more or less,

"I need to talk to you about something. You know how you've noticed that mommy gets upset very easily sometimes or seems always in a bad mood or is sometimes just fine and sometimes gets really mad for no reason or yells?

Well, when a person breaks his leg we knows his leg is sick because we can see it. It has a cast on it and probably lots of people wrote on it in marker. And when a person hurts their head we know because there's a bandage on it. But sometimes when people are hurt or sick, we can't see it. If someone has a sick tummy we can't see that, but we can tell because they might cry or act like it hurts or tell us it hurts. If someone has a heart problem, we can't see that, but it's still a sick heart. So sometimes we can see when people are sick and sometimes we can't.

I'm sick too. It's the kind you can't really see except when you see me get upset or yell or act strangely like I usually don't act. You've noticed this, right? Sometimes I seem like happy mommy and sometimes I seem like sad or angry or crying mommy. It's because my kind of sick is the kind you can't see. My sickness is called bipolar disorder. In our brains we have all sorts of chemicals that jump around like in a bounce house. Sometimes, though, mine jump extra high and fast and sometimes they don't even jump--they just lay there. That's no fun. Who wants to lay around in a bounce house and just be still? That's when mommy's brain is making her feel sad. When they are bouncing high in the bounce house mommy feels good.

But my brain is not broken. It's just a little different. The only difference between me and someone else who does not have bipolar is that my moods change a lot and sometimes pretty fast. Sometimes it seems like I'm not very nice and I'm sorry for that because I love you more than anything. Sometimes I seem like the most fun mom in the world, huh? I take medicine to try to make my brain more like everyone else's and just like other kinds of sicknesses it takes medicine and good doctors and it will be ok. Everything will be ok and this is just one thing we have to think about. The rest of the time we can think of other stuff. Better stuff--like ice cream and water parks and everything else fun.

Because my brain is different, when I start to feel yucky, it helps me to go be by myself for a little while. It's part of my medicine. This is because it helps me think and when I'm done I can come out and be pretty much better. I think you need to know this because you are a big boy and I know you can understand. I know that it must be confusing for you not to know why I act like I do sometimes. But my brain is not broken--it's just different. And my love for you is always the same, no matter what."


I explained what depression was, what anxiety was, and was euphoria was. I had to use examples for all of them so he could relate, but he got it. And not superficially in any way. He truly got it. And the relief on his face! That it wasn't HIM. It was me.

Then I let him ask as many questions as he wanted to. A few years later at 14 he's as educated on the topic as any adult I know. It's important not to talk down to them, but to be gentle, to reassure, speak to them like adults but with gentleness and love...but the stress of not knowing and wondering (and psychologically the self-blame starts with this confusion and lasts through adulthood---this is an EXTREMELY important time in a child's development) is the worst thing they should never have to endure. You don't want her thinking it's her fault and that you just don't like her. Children, much like adult, can separate love from like. She may know you love her, but may begin to think you don't like her. Of course it would not be analytical like this, but it will be embedded in her psyche and therefore just at the top of the subconscious waiting to pop out later.

He even asked specifics and answering them wasn't easy. But he wasn't a baby and he deserved the answers to anything he asked. He felt trusted and respected and like he was now part of it, to help, to be there, to comfort, to have been given the ability to understand, and even to shrug it off when that was the best thing to do. Your daughter is a bit younger than my son was when I told him, but I'd have done exactly the same thing had he asked at that age.

Trust your daughter and her ability to understand adult topics. She will surprise you, I promise. Don't tread too lightly (no clowns and bubblegum), but be careful not to delve into terror (Dante's circles of hell will do her no favors now). But she can handle the truth and it will reassure her and will ultimately make your relationship with her stronger. And if it scares her at all, worries her, make sure she knows she can come to you to talk about it more. Even if she doesn't, subtly (or not so subtly) check up on her and make sure she's processing it ok. My son took it in stride without so much as a blink of an eye. He was concerned at first, but after he asked all of his questions and once it was out in the open and I could say, "I'm having a bad mood dip, so I just need quiet for a while" (or whatever) it was just part of the norm of our home and NOT a stressor at all. We can now discuss it anytime and sometimes he can even sense when all is not right and he's just wonderful. A wonderful young man with a deep emotional wisdom. And I credit at least some of that to my insistence on being open with him on all of these (and other topics). We can't hide our children from the world and we shouldn't. You are her mom. Have trust in the bond you share and trust that this will strengthen it.

Every child is different, but I think that in general we put far too little faith in out little ones' abilities to understand and process complex and even "adult" topics.

[Shakti]

Also--your daughter does NOT hate you. She's confused. And that's it. Plain and simple. She can only go on the information she has and has no choice but to form her conclusions based on that....sort of unfair, no? But she does NOT hate you.

[Shakti]

I just wanted to pop back in here and say that what I said about how I handled it with my son is jut my experience and my opinion. It's one way to handle it. I don't want to sound like SHE-WHO-KNOWS-IT-ALL (I worry non-stop that I will be perceived that way all the time...drives me crazy but I can't help it). Because you know....what do I know? I'm winging it just like everyone else. But hopefully my experience will at least help a bit. It's one perspective anyway.

[Trippin2.0]

SHAKTI! UR EFFIN BRILLIANT! I did it just like you explained,and you were RIGHT, I saw the light switch on in her face! She says she's glad I told her! THANK YOU SO MUCH! XOXO. Ps I empathize with the "know it all" preoccupation, I'm the same...
THANKS TO SUGA AND BLUE AS WELL!
YOU GUYS REALLY CAME THROUGH FOR ME TODAY!

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I feel terrible when I do it to my bf, my DAUGHTER? it feels like downright abuse! She deserves sO much better than me.

I think the key is just recognizing it and making a conscious effort to curb it. i.e count to 10 in your head before you respond.

My mom was diagnosed with BP when I was very young and was admitted into the hospital when I was 8. I can't remember when she told me and I would recommend speaking to a therapist to help decide how/when to tell her. I like your idea that you just keep it in terms that she understands. "Mom is not feeling well".

Also continue owning your behavior (apologizing) with your daughter. Parents make mistakes. Parents loose their cool. Diagnosed with BP or not it happens.

You may even want your daughter speak to a child psychologist. Sugahorse's advice of having grand parents, friends watch her is great. Raising a child isn't ONLY the mom's responsibility.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

I like your idea that you just keep it in terms that she understands. "Mom is not feeling well".

Trippin I must have posted this the same time you posted your response that you told your daughter about your diagnosis! Glad it went so well with your daughter.

[Shakti]

I'm SO SO SO glad!!! And now it will be so much easier because you can just say how you are feeling and she'll never think it's her and I bet the bond will become even stronger. See? No hating mama. Children are so loving and empathetic.

[Trippin2.0]

I love you guys!!!