[sugahorse1]

my silk thread is becoming thinner.
It's about to snap.
The mixed episode expertly dropped me into depression.
with no lifeline.
my social network is non-existent.
no-one wants to hear my woes any more
i'm still expected to be a fully functioning employee.
and a fully functional girlfriend.
when i had the odd few minutes of actually being able to face colleagues and add to the conversation, everyone thought that's plain old Jackie. There's nothing wrong with her. how can i get to work so glum today, blasting my ears with my iPod.
not wanting to eat.
i just want out.
stop the tabs which are not doing a F&&K.
then maybe i'm better without the meds.
or maybe i'll get myself right to the bottom of the pit to justify going to hospital and giving everyone a wake up that this mask is painful to wear. the pain is excruciating.
The path is lonely and pointless

sorry about the rambling - you guys are all I have; i hang onto every word you say. you're the only ones who understand.

(((((((Sugahorse)))))))
You mention that you might be better without your meds. If they're not working, perhaps it's time to talk to your pdoc and ask about a potential change. Or, if you've just recently started these meds, please give them more time to start working. Try to hang in there, you won't be in this depressive state forever. Feel free to send me a pm if you ever want to talk.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Melissa.
I've been on my mood stabiliser for 3 or so months. 3 weeks ago I got taken off my anti-dep, and onto Trazodone instead. I know it's only 3 weeks, but the depression is considerably worse. The anxiety seems to be somewhat better though.

Mailed Pdoc last Thursday and again yesterday - no response. Mailed T y/day and also waiting for a reply. Those are the 2 people I fel hold the cards to my happiness. But to no avail. Why does it appear as if they don't care?
Or is it about the money - they want me to come into a consult, which they can charge me for? Rather than care for me and my state?
why not help me...?? It almost feels like I'm being let down...

[Trippin2.0]

We are all here for you suga!
Please hang in there, I know that's easier said than done, but please do.
There's sunshine after the rain...

Can't you call your doc? Or get your bf to call, and stress how fragile you are right now, and that they need to take care of you before you land yourself in hospital??

Please don't give up on your treatment, please don't give up hope...

[FeelingHopeful]

suga. Im sending you a big hug. I like reading your posts and even though we dont know each other i care and want the best for you. Please be well. Lots of us care

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Feelingsad..
I just wish I could find the same support, care and love in my real world. Virtual friends seem sooooooooo far away

[owllover99]

I almost committed sucidie in Feb with depression. I told my pdoc I needed a antidepressant but he wouldn't give me one. I ended up in the hospital and they gave me a low dose of Cymbalta and I was back to my old self in 4 days. You probably need that antidepressant. But it sounds like both your pdoc and your T aren't really caring for you. And if I remember right you're a long way from any doctors. Oh, Sug, I wish there was something I could do a 1/2 a world a way. You may have to go to the hospital. Keep trying for some doctors, but if it gets too bad, go to the hospital. Oh, I can feel the pain of depression. Hugs, Owl.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Owl.
I'm in a fortunate position where I am on medical aid (Insurance). This is my second pdoc who's not pulling her weight.
I think I should sms my T, but I always feel guilty.
There are pdoc's in my area, less than 30 mins drive. Getting an appointment can take 2 months though.
My T works at a state hospital, and does a few clients privately (Me included) - this is South Africa, so any state options (Hospitals, clinics... are OUT of the question!)
I wonder if one of the pdoc's there also do private consultations.
Taken 1mg Klonopin and finally feel like a bit of a zombie, I'd rather be here in this state than drop any deeper - but it's not a long-term solution.
Going to hospital for depression sounds so over the top for me - I cannot get my head around it. I was there once for depression and felt I was wasting my time.
But I'm just so desperate and want to get rid of this useless feeling.

Thanks OWL

[kadesgirl09]

((((((SUGA))))))) so sorry to hear your in such a bad place. I love reading your posts and wish there was something I could do to bring you back up. Just know that this phase will pass like the rest. Dont feel bad about going to the hospital for depression. Hang in there sugahorse!!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks guys. Going off home now. Will see how that unfolds. Have sms'd T. Pdoc has had 2 e-mails now. I'm starting to feel a knot in my stomach. the Klonopin is making me numb, which i prefer.
I'll only be on PC a whole lot later 2moro, cos to top it all off, I get to do a presentation to a whole bunch of store managers.
It's not what I want to do, but should go off OK.
I'm tired now, drained.

[Shakti]

Keep up updated, ok?

I sometimes want to quit my meds because they don't seem to work. But then...I remember what I was like not on any. And then I stay on them. Can't want for a med eval next month. Ready for something totall new. But anyway, don't quit your meds!

[sugahorse1]

I feel like a zombie today, not on my meds...?

[Trippin2.0]

HEEYYYYY GET BACK ON YOUR MEDS!!!!

[sugahorse1]

I refuse to put drugs into my body unless there's a damn good reason. my drugs at the moment are not doing me any good - i may as well be putting cocaine or heroin into myself - None do ANY good for me

[Trippin2.0]

Then get your ***** to the Dr's office so they can give you ones that work!
Mwah, hope you get better sOOn! XOXO

[BlackPup]

Going off meds - bad idea... even if they are not working fully they may be doing something to help things so going off may make things worse. I agree with the other posts, see if you can get some ADs added. even if one has been bad before that doesn't mean that they all will. Also when you are depressed you respond differently to when you are normal or manic so your medications can be modified.

If I get depressed I take an additional AD and then when I return to normal I stop it so I don't get manic.

Take care, we are here for you and want the best for you.

[sugahorse1]

thanks guys. so far I feel OK.
I didn't get on with escitalopram (Mainly libido), but felt the edronax worked. Not sure why pdoc asked me to stop. I hardly every get hypomanic, and never manic.
just keeping my mind occupied - i feel tired right now and just mildly depressed.

[Shakti]

Oh man....I get so worried when people feel bad (or really good) and get off their meds. Not that I haven't wanted to when I still cycle all the time despite the meds. I just remember the absolute NIGHTMARE when I wasn't on anything. I was completely out of control. Please reconsider. You pdoc needs to switch it all out. It's time. Grrrrr....their lack of "getting it" and caring combined with their super high incomes makes me want to PUNCH. (Haha--I always want to punch, but I'm a total pacifist; I even try not to step ants, although I know I do. So, it's a totally hypothetical punch to make a point.)

[sugahorse1]

Punching.... well, just ask the office dividers, the walls, the pillows... I do my fair share of punching.
I want a clean slate, to get to know myself off tablets. Then I can decide what things are really issues, what needs to be addressed. And the new pdoc can start afresh. I do have a new pdoc in mind.

My depression is not nearly half as bad, only mild, but I'm cloudy and tired; yawning my head off at 9:30AM, after 10.5 hours sleep.

I think I get affected by the side-effects of meds (The irony that AD's can sometimes cause depression..! I Think that's me!)

[Shakti]

Please be careful, though, and please please keep us updated as you do this. Are you sure you shouldn't have tapered off some of the meds? Just be careful. I'm so glad you have a new pdoc in mind. Don't waste any time getting in to see him/her. Pretty please. (How can ya say no when someone says prettttyyyy please??)

I'm such a worrier.

[sugahorse1]

I think my doses were low enough to be able to just stop - this was my biggest concern : the current pdoc not upping me to a therapeutic dose where the meds could help me. I was wasting my time.
Had a very intense T session and we discussed a new pdoc (Not the one irignally considered). I have phoned and left a message to set up an app with the new pdoc. Waiting for her to get back to me; now just worried that this is another pdoc that is not easy to get hold of!!
But my T has been very supportive, still allows me to sms, and says if it gets really bad, I can phone. (What's bad, and what can she do?)
I feel heavy and tired today - not sure if it's the meds, or partially the T session

Thanks for checking on me Shakti