Complete 180

So, last week I couldn't even sit upright for a TV show, I was so depressed. I was spending hours in bed... etc. I almost went into the hospital.

My p-doc had me go up on Prozac. It has been a week since the increase and I feel so much better.

I have this little worry in the back of my head that I am going to get manic, but I am hoping my depakote keeps me down. I have noticed some irritability and I had a hard time staying asleep last night, but at this point I feel so much better that I am willing to deal with those things.

They even noticed a huge difference in me at dbt yesterday.

What a great change! I hope you enjoy this 180 for a very long time.

Yay - glad to hear!
I know the frustrations of these 180 degree flips, but we'll get used to handling them.
I've just done the same in the last week or so

Aww, who am I kidding? I am going manic. I can feel the buzzy wuzziness in my body and I was singing and whooping in the car. I had to drive past the hospital to pick up my son from preschool and I was making ambulance noises as I drove by.

I see my p-doc on Monday so I am just going to enjoy my weekend and deal with it then. She'll probably take my Prozac back down and then I will fall in the hole again, so I am going to get as much done as I can over the weekend before I descend into the pit.

Hope you get this figured out, but in the meantime, enjoy your weekend

do some strenuous excercise. it will "burn up" the mania. glad u saw your post doc. yeah he'll probably lower the prozac but why predict the outcome? it may be more serene than you expect.

My husband had to tell me to slow down. Why can't I just find the balance? 20mg is too low, 30 is too high... I don't think there is a way to divide pills to make 25mg, but I'll ask when I go to the doc on monday.

I was pretty uncomfortable this afternoon, so I forced myself to lie down in my bed and breathe. I think I fell asleep for a short time.

It's a nervousish, excited feeling in my chest and it makes me want to move around or sing or yell or something.

So far I am not mixed, so that is a good sign.

I continue to be just soooo proud of you and wish I could hug the stuffing out of you. It sounds like you are just hypomanic rather than fully manic, so this is a good thing. You are handling it appropriately even if it means being silly, singing and dancing. Why do you think so many of our Hollywood stars appear on the lists of famous people with bipolar disorder. This is your mood of inspiration. Find a way to express that inspiration appropriately (shopping on credit cards or getting a make over is not a good idea, neither is removing all the ceramic tiles in your house or painting your walls a groovy color that reminds you of one of the flowers that used to bloom in your grandmother's garden) Yes, I am guilty of all of the above so making ambulance noises as you pass the hospital by comparison is relatively harmless even though I know you see this as a set back for yourself.
Hypomania is your inspiration streak. Find some manageable way to express that energy that you are feeling. You could use the paint program that come with windows and make some really neat computer art or collages with pics that you might have on your computer and that would be free. You could even pop in a CD with some head phones and crank up the volume while you work. Sometimes, I crochet a unique scarf pattern that I created when I was hypomanic using ribbon yard, graduated colored high end yard, and metallic yard. I always have yard at the ready for when I feel inspired and have a relationship with a boutique that sells them on a 50% commission for $50.00. I also have a research paper I am working on when inspired comparing the theories on knowledge from several different philosophers throughout the ages, but then again, I love writing research papers. I love going and buying a flat of flowers (on sale only) and planting them. I make sure to stick with the perennials so if I get so depress that I cannot function, neglect to water them and they die, I haven't a great investment in them and they would have been replaced next year anyway. I bake bread from scratch. Something about kneeding the doe and creating something yummy to share with others so that they don't have to dread my periods of inspiration is really kind of fun. Another time I went to Michaels (art and hobbies) and bought raw soap and taught myself how to add scent, color and mold it and gave it away for Christmas. Another time I made drapes for my living room. Another time, I wrote and illustrated a childrens' book. Another time I made greeting cards. Sometimes I like getting my daughter involved and going to the park to play frisbee or model for one another in front of the camera all dress up or go to the beach and see who can collect the largest intact seashell within an hour and then eat lunch and go swimming.
The best thing I ever did for myself was learn to accept my mood states, those which are not life threatening and learn how to harness them to work for my advantage. I can't wait to hear what you decide to do with your inspiration.
You just keep getting better and better. Keep up the good work.
hugs,
ptk

PTK, wow, cool post. I have done many of those things, including the soap idea. I like that you can accept yourself for who you are. I am still working on that. I need to learn to chanel the energy rather than be consumed by it.

Kermit the frog once sang a song, "It's not easy being green". It's not easy having these mood states but you can quit beating yourself up for being who you are, its genetic. You cant help it any more than you can help how tall you are. Believe me, there are enough other people out there willing to beat us up just for us being us. You were talking about laying there wanting to yell or sing, why fight it? Why not compromise? It seems to me that yodeling would serve both purposes. As long as I use that inspiration and energy for good rather than evil, I found that my daughter loves being around when I am hypomanic, she always has and still does, even now that she is 16. Its adventure time. Its the time where the living live life and what a gift that is to give your young son! Whether you are ready to accept yourself or not, just quit fighting it and have fun. This is our great reward for surviving our depressive spells.
Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll get there!!!! (And the best part is that you will be known as the coolest mom on the block when you are out in the yard playing cops and robbers with the neighborhood kids.) If only "normal" parents would get involved in their kids lives that way....
We are blessed
ptk

Sounds like you're trying to keep somewhat of a sense of humor about it all which helps...As you know, we fellow bipolars can appreciate the ups and downs--and 180's. Hang in there! I'm like you, I try to appreciate the manic times, because I can get a lot done. Of course, I have been to the hospital a bunch of times to get my meds stabilized, but that's par for the course, too. Keep hanging in there!

I am really not getting anything done because I can't seem to focus. I am home alone right now, and I need someone to help me structure. I will have people home tomorrow to help me focus.

Home alone, huh? You okay? What are you doing?

Just watching tv, going online and feeling buzzy. I am going to my son's soccer game in a half hour. He is at a birthday party now with his brother and my husband, and tonight I will be with family.

well, enjoy the buzz and it sounds like you are structured... soccer game in 30 minutes... family tonight...
Have a good time. Its a great day to be alive.
hugs,
ptk

I guess I do have some structure. Well, that's good. I hate feeling this up and not having anything to do. ( there is pleanty to do in my house but I am finding it all very boring)

yeah, its hard to get into when your mind is in chaos... when you get into a better spot, we will talk about the next step... I know you are uncomfortable with the digits thing but I am always here for you... anytime, day or night... even if its just to chatter away... been there
hugs, me

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I hope it stays that way. You deserve to have a break from the awful depression. I agree that it sounds like hypomania, which isn't dangerous, so I hope the pdoc doesn't lower your Prozac. But he/she is the expert not me. Just wishful thinking. It's better to be a little up than a lot down.

Yes, we'll see what she does tomorrow morning. I am guessing from where my thoughts were going last night, that she will lower the dose again. I don't want to go into too many details, but I was having an argument with myself about whether it would be better to put my head or my fist through the window.

There were other thoughts too that involved bottles of pills and a couple of razors that my husband took from me last year and I happened to find them once when I was cleaning up. I didn't tell him that I found them.

I had already taken my Seroquel for the night so I knew that if I just stayed in bed that I would be asleep soon and the thoughts would be gone by morning. They'll be back later, as the pattern has been lately.

I can't keep this from her because I know that even though I can handle it now, that I have been down this road before and I will end up in trouble. I have always been able to get myself to the hospital before my irrational thoughts completely take over, so I really need to take advantage of this appointment before I totally lose it.