[midnight_soul]

First of all I want to thank all of you that have listened, and cared for me with your advice etc. I truly believed that finally this weekend my husband would sit down with me and we would discuss a plan and time that I would be admited to the mental ward. He says he is on my side 100% one day and then he just shuts down not even bringing ip up. Last night I was in so my physical pain that I over medicated myself just a little hoping I would sleep most the night through. I thought he would be working today so when I woke up around 4am I took another morphine to knock me back out so I wouldn't have to be in pain mentally or physically. He finally came in to the room kissing me softly on my face asking sleeping head to wake up because he had made me breakfest to serve me in bed. I ate some of it but not very much. then I just started crying and crying as he sat on the bed holding me, and I coud feel the tears falling from his face as well. We layed back down and he just help me mot saying a word. I am out of words to give him any more. I can't keep saying the same thing over and over. All day I waited for him to bring this up with me but never a word. He did hold me and was very kind and loving but it was as if he was avoiding what I have be crying out to him for a long time!

I need to go in pretty quickly.At the moment I do not feel suicidal, but I feel betrayed that my husband isn't making ANY attempt to talk this out with me and just pretending each day that nothing is really wrong. He knows my tears are from my children, for him and so much more,

Now I feel trapped. I dont know what to do. I need medical care even though I wil miss him, miss my freedom to silly things but I have so many demons inside that only a trained professional can help me.

You all keep asking if there is any one that could give me a ride, the answer is no. I dont have any one. I can't go by ambulance, to costly and I cant ask a sherrif for fear of being taken to jail for some stupid reason as a threat to do bodyly harm to myself. I called the hospital and they don't send staff out to give rides to the insitutel

I also found out today that my dad has prostate cancer. GOD HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE!!!!!!!!!!!

As much as I hate being alone the past couple of weeks for some reason that i honestly cant explain, I dread his pressence. I sit there watching him watching our/his favorite shows, acting as if nothing is wrong. I listen to his bad day complaints and do so lovingly as I can by taking his hand in mine and telling him.....sweetheart I am so very proud of you. thank you for working so hard for "us". Deep down I keep saying to myself just hang on girl, your day is coming. He will come and sit with me and talk and really listen and then do what is needed. But about 75% of me says no......he will not.

Does this mean he doesn't love me or is he just avoiding it? What do I do? I can't take it. Now I am on a hunger strike so to speak, I eat very little and when I do I go to the bathroom and....you know. I have always had am eating disorder. I MUST be thin. I never see others as fat or over weight etc. I love others for who they are and I have a gift of finding beauty in every size of women especially. But for myself, I have to be thin or it only adds to my depression. I am use to weighing around 140lbs and I am 6'tall. When they weighed me last it was 158!!!! I have been on this huge eating bindge for weeks and now I am all freaked out and have to get that weight off. That's just part of who I am.

I am really at the point of just shutting down. Not talking to any one, telling my husband what I guess he wants to hear....Im fine.

I hope that when I die, the heavenly father will allow me to see why he allowed so much suffering in my life. I wish I could use my pain to help others. But I have no training, I am soon to be 48 and we can't afford any kind of schooling for me to do that when and if I get well. so I just remain in limbo...which is hell on earth and yes, it burns inside, eating away any thing I may have to offer.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Midnight_soul. So glad to hear from u! I am sorry things have not improved. Ur husband seems lost. He did a lovely thing for u breakfast in bed. But I think he is struggling too. Thats not great no one can take u to hospital. Seems like ur struggling with life in general, without even more added pressure. I am so sorry bout ur Dad. That must b tough on u too.

I hope u find peace with urself soon. Please keep eating even the small amount ur eating now..... without threwin up, I no easier said than done. I do wish u would get better soon though. U need happiness in ur life.

Take care, pm me any time. Xxx

[lonegael]

Midnight soul, Do you have a s"#¤ hotline to call for advice? That way you can check to see if the sherrif can jail you for threatening bodily harm to yourself. You usually do not have to give your name to a hotline, and they will know what to do. I knwo you have little energy and noll hope, but honey, please, try this. I don't think they are likey to put you in jail when you are so sick, honey, really. Call the hotline if you can. He will give you HIs strength, hon. When we have no more left to give, he is there. That is how it works. PRaying for you and yours. You all must be so scared.

[blueoctober]

midnight soul I am sorry that you are going through this. It's difficult for people that don't have experience with mental illnesses themselves to know what to say, do etc. It doesn't me your husband doesn't care.

I am very concerned for your well being and I agree with lonegael, I think a hotline would be able to point you in the right direction.

[beggin for help]

Sorry you feel so bad. Perhaps you can get to the hospital soon. As for your husband he loves you very much. He just does not know how to deal with the one woman's pain who means so much to him. I know you have heard this before, but you keep doubting it just like we do, but please believe it for one second. thanks

[PT52]

I can't go by ambulance, to costly

I totally agree with the others that a hotline is your best option right now. But if they aren't able to help you getting to the hospital, call an ambulance. If your husband isn't convinced that he needs to take you, calling an ambulance will get the point across. If it doesn't, go in the ambulance. The cost cannot be compared to the value of your life and difficult as it might be, you will find a way down the road to pay for it.

says he is on my side 100% one day and then he just shuts down not even bringing ip up.

Does this mean he doesn't love me or is he just avoiding it? What do I do?

He's done so many things to show you that he loves you. I can't say for certain, but I don't think he's avoiding it so much as he is still trying to "fix" it himself. Don't be too hard on him. As tough as it is, in the end the choice is yours alone. You need to go to the hospital, I hope that we can give you some support and suggestions and I hope that your husband comes to a better understanding of your needs, but in the end, it's up to you.

Lots of hugs

[madisgram]

hi midnight, i think your hubby loves you very much and feels overwhelmed and unable to help you...that prob. makes him feel inadequate. justme, but i think it is time for you to consider going to the hosp. i feel you know that you wont get better at home cause you need the docs to get this sorted out with you. so question, what is stopping you from going in? if need be, you could call an ambulance/911 if hubby refuses to drive you.you can feel better i'm sure but you need to put some action in this cause nothing is changing. certainly not busting you but concerned.

[lonegael]

Midnight soul, Hon, what's happening?

[sugahorse1]

thinking of you

[PT52]

peaceful and healing vibes...hope to hear from you soon

To reiterate above, know that I am thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way. Hope to hear from you when you are able, ok?

[midnight_soul]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Midnight soul, Hon, what's happening?

I still sit here every day waiting for change, waiting for my husband to talk to me about it and TAKE ME, but he doesn't. No matter what I say or do, he (IMO) seems to act as if he ignores my depression that it wil just go away or that i wil forget about it. I dont know what to do any more. I can't seem to gather the courage to take myself, plus I know that if I do he will then have to have some one follow him to the hospital and then they will know where I am and this may bring shame upon my husband. I dont know....hell I am not making any sense.

Yesterday my husbands brother went missing and he has been gone for over 48 hours so I went with him and his mother as they filed a missing person's report. so not his focus seems to be on his brother, not me. My Mother in law doesnt like me very much and she is so rude to me when I try to reach out to her. I called her today to check and see if any new news had surficed, she just said no and very rudly GOODBYE.

Why doesn't any one like me in this town? I am a good person, but I admit I have had conflict with a couple women and a friend of my husbands who I think is a real pri**. So I guess words is out that I am a crazy woman that every one should stand clear of.

I am about out of tears now. Just numb. My husband tells me he is tired of seeing me so doom and gloom and he tries to make me laugh.....but I tell him I dont feel like laughing, dont you get it????

We can't say the word here, but each day I get closer and closer. I thought I had hope when my husband told me he was on my side 100% but then..........NOTHING. He doesn't bring it up and for some reason I am not afraid to bring it up. I dont know why I am afraid.....he would never hurt me....yet I find I am becoming fearful of him in some odd way....I think it is because I am tired of listening to his problems of work, family, our finances etc. HELLO! WHAT ABOUT ME!?

I don't want to take up to much of others time here either so I stopped posting for a few days. I don't want to be selfish, there are so many here than need PC friends to.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Midnight_Soul,

WOW!!!!!!

What a tough time your having. I hope your Brother in Law is found soon. That must be more stress for your Husband and for you. Maybe you need to talk to your Husband and tell him how you feel. Maybe you need to do this.

I think the more you prolong your time away from being in hospital the worse your gonna get and the "word" we are not allowed to mention will happen. Which is a NO NO BTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean it I/we need you here to talk to us!!!

I hope you are sleeping

Can you not talk to your doctor about this. I am unfamiliar with the American system. So I apologise if you have been down that road.... can you not talk to a helpline, doctor etc??

Pleas take care and know we are all rooting for you to get better and to be happy again

xxx

First off, NOT SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That it what we are all here for. Please post. When talking with folks who've been in the dark places, we understand how isolating it feels and WANT you to reach out. That is why we are here! We are in this TOGETHER. Together with you!

This BP plays tricks on our minds and tells us things that aren't true. We're here to remind you of this. At the time they are happening, these distortions feel so real. THEY ARE NOT. Please get yourself to the hospital no matter what it takes to get there. Do NOT let the lies your mind is telling you right now stand in your way. I don't know how else to say this.

Please please please!!!

YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

First off, NOT SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That it what we are all here for. Please post. When talking with folks who've been in the dark places, we understand how isolating it feels and WANT you to reach out. That is why we are here! We are in this TOGETHER. Together with you!

This BP plays tricks on our minds and tells us things that aren't true. We're here to remind you of this. At the time they are happening, these distortions feel so real. THEY ARE NOT. Please get yourself to the hospital no matter what it takes to get there. Do NOT let the lies your mind is telling you right now stand in your way. I don't know how else to say this.

Please please please!!!

YOU MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ditto, ditto, ditto!

You are being tricked by the BP. Call a cab, call an ambulance, call a hotline, call 911. If you can't talk to your husband straight out and tell him exactly what you need to do, then find another way and get yourself to the hospital. Please?

[BNLsMOM]

I agree. You must get to the hospital. Your bipolar is messing with you. I have been there, and I see the thinking patterns I had in the words you are posting about being afraid of your husband. You need to be in the hospital right now.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Midnight Soul, you do matter (HUG)