[Lexaproman]

Without trying to sound melodramatic here is my way of describing what you need to be me:

1. In pain from head to toe – possible suggestions would be to routinely fall down a flight of stairs or get hit by a car going 2 miles per hour
2. A victim of a racing mind – literally have a countless number of thoughts all processing at the same time. Most of them will make no sense, others will be very disturbing, and the rest will be just as random and powerful. It will never end. You rarely have a moment of inner peace!
3. Also be under self attack – yes linked with #2 you will have other thoughts literally sound like you're talking to yourself. One voice will be listing all the things you need to do, have never done, will never do, should do, want to do, and make you panic over all of them. Another voice is verbally abusing you reminding you of what a total loser and complete failure you are, have always been, and will always be. This also involves very explicit language including expletive filled tirades. Another voice is of reason and helping you consider you are very sick. Yet another voice is lonely and desperate crying out for help and there is no one to listen.
4. Able to fight back – To somewhat function you need to try and intellectually divide the real from the non -real. You will want to give up all the time and may even be convinced that your death is the only solution for you and everybody around you! Controlling your cognitive ability (all things concerning the mind) is extremely difficult and darn near impossible many times. Cognitive means specifically: of or pertaining to the mental processesofperception,memory,judgment, and reasoning, as contrasted with emotional andvolitionalprocesses
5. Be severely tired all the time – things that the average person does without even thinking requires concentration on at least some level by me. Things like getting up from a chair, walking, eating, and things as simple sitting, standing or laying down seem very demanding many times. This also leaves you with no energy whatsoever
6. Go with little or no sleep – this is not just a matter of lack of sleep or difficulty sleeping although that is a big part of it. I wake up every 1 to 2 hours and don't every really go into a comfortable sleep. My mind does not stop for sleep. Nor does the pain. This allows a variety of dreams from strange to bizarre, and from annoying to unthinkable nightmares
7. To be very distracted – re-reads this list and you will understand why
8. Be disoriented at times – which is very scary when you “zone out”. Makes you more absent-minded and unfocused. You don't finish most of what you start or start anything for that matter. Also compounded because it is combined with items above.
9. To be humiliated – you are operating as a shell of a human being and it is very embarrassing to face your own limitations let alone admit them. It is hard to avoid it so you will concede to a degree of debilitation but you often have to realize it is even worse than you are admitting. You will be a burden on those in your life and have but a shred of diginity
10. To concede defeat – at the end of each day, hour, minute, and second that life is passing through you realize that you are just surviving, barely. Picture this: Imagine you are in a kayak that is being pulled toward Niagara Falls. Your only hope is to try and paddle hard enough to not be pulled any closer and go over. Progress or success for you is simply paddling with ever fiber of your being to stay where you are. Others will be paddling there way in the other direction but you will not move forward and there is every reason to believe you will eventually go over the falls.
11. Suffer from various symptoms: Anxiety, paranoia, distorted sexual thoughts, self loathing, agitation, raging anger, lofty dreams, delusional, and deeply depressed to name a few!
    

Please keep in mind this is a general description!

[BNLsMOM]

In many of these descriptions, you are not alone.

[Ryask]

nail...meet head!

[PT52]

ditto what they said.

[Trippin2.0]

double ditto

[Lexaproman]

YES, I failed to mention that part of why I posted this was for others to see I share their pain!

More power to all of us for hanging on!

[Skully]

Ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto...did I miss one?

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Lexaproman

YES, I failed to mention that part of why I posted this was for others to see I share their pain!

More power to all of us for hanging on!

Norman Vincent Peale wrote about the power of positive thinking...maybe we should call our journeys the power of positive BPing.

[lxegirl]

exactly what everyone else is saying- ITS NOT JUST YOU!!! I fit 9 of the 11 things on the list. Life sucks. Kudos for you for surviving it.

[notablackbarbie]

Lexaproman You are not alone in feeling this way. Seriously i can relate...And for everyone else too...

[dayton52]

During the worst, worst days of my depression, I just remember the remarkable way time slowed down--just couldn't wait for whatever relief sleep would bring from the moment I woke up. One the first clues I had that things were getting better (and the DO get better--we have to believe that) was how time seemed to return to its accustomed pace.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry you are going through such turmoil. I can definitely confer with a large number of your points.
And it sure isn't pleasurable.

[Lexaproman]

Thanks for everyone's response and yes that was my aim to bring our common threads together so we can fight as one!

[crzyladee]

Every word! I have a hard time communicating, even online, and you really spoke everything I didn't know what to say. Thank you and wishing you relief and peace.

[Lexaproman]

Thank you.

That is another reason I post things like that. Many of us need to or want to explain to others how we feel but cannot do so. Hopefully these types of post help you do that!

[bfoxy41brown]

Originally Posted by Lexaproman

Without trying to sound melodramatic here is my way of describing what you need to be me:

1. In pain from head to toe – possible suggestions would be to routinely fall down a flight of stairs or get hit by a car going 2 miles per hour
2. A victim of a racing mind – literally have a countless number of thoughts all processing at the same time. Most of them will make no sense, others will be very disturbing, and the rest will be just as random and powerful. It will never end. You rarely have a moment of inner peace!
3. Also be under self attack – yes linked with #2 you will have other thoughts literally sound like you're talking to yourself. One voice will be listing all the things you need to do, have never done, will never do, should do, want to do, and make you panic over all of them. Another voice is verbally abusing you reminding you of what a total loser and complete failure you are, have always been, and will always be. This also involves very explicit language including expletive filled tirades. Another voice is of reason and helping you consider you are very sick. Yet another voice is lonely and desperate crying out for help and there is no one to listen.
4. Able to fight back – To somewhat function you need to try and intellectually divide the real from the non -real. You will want to give up all the time and may even be convinced that your death is the only solution for you and everybody around you! Controlling your cognitive ability (all things concerning the mind) is extremely difficult and darn near impossible many times. Cognitive means specifically: of or pertaining to the mental processesofperception,memory,judgment, and reasoning, as contrasted with emotional andvolitionalprocesses
5. Be severely tired all the time – things that the average person does without even thinking requires concentration on at least some level by me. Things like getting up from a chair, walking, eating, and things as simple sitting, standing or laying down seem very demanding many times. This also leaves you with no energy whatsoever
6. Go with little or no sleep – this is not just a matter of lack of sleep or difficulty sleeping although that is a big part of it. I wake up every 1 to 2 hours and don't every really go into a comfortable sleep. My mind does not stop for sleep. Nor does the pain. This allows a variety of dreams from strange to bizarre, and from annoying to unthinkable nightmares
7. To be very distracted – re-reads this list and you will understand why
8. Be disoriented at times – which is very scary when you “zone out”. Makes you more absent-minded and unfocused. You don't finish most of what you start or start anything for that matter. Also compounded because it is combined with items above.
9. To be humiliated – you are operating as a shell of a human being and it is very embarrassing to face your own limitations let alone admit them. It is hard to avoid it so you will concede to a degree of debilitation but you often have to realize it is even worse than you are admitting. You will be a burden on those in your life and have but a shred of diginity
10. To concede defeat – at the end of each day, hour, minute, and second that life is passing through you realize that you are just surviving, barely. Picture this: Imagine you are in a kayak that is being pulled toward Niagara Falls. Your only hope is to try and paddle hard enough to not be pulled any closer and go over. Progress or success for you is simply paddling with ever fiber of your being to stay where you are. Others will be paddling there way in the other direction but you will not move forward and there is every reason to believe you will eventually go over the falls.
11. Suffer from various symptoms: Anxiety, paranoia, distorted sexual thoughts, self loathing, agitation, raging anger, lofty dreams, delusional, and deeply depressed to name a few!
    

Please keep in mind this is a general description!

This is quite complicated. I am bi-polar also and dont have the ability to write down in detail all that I feel on a daily basis. I just try hard to stay as balanced as possible; not get too depressed and not get too manic. My concentration levels do not allow me to view myself in that way. Bless you.

[BlackPup]

Wonderfully written, awesome description, like the others, I can relate to a lot of it. Great post, thanks for sharing...

[Lexaproman]

Thanks again!

@bfoxy - believe me it has taken years for me to understand it this well.

[sugahorse1]

Congrats for being able to put together something as concrete as this!

[Lexaproman]

I have some other illustrations to explain my condition that perhaps I may share.

[Auqinu]

Wow, now I'm just a little bit proud of myself for making from one day to the next. Yes this is exactly how I feel, ty for identifying it.

[sugahorse1]

Yup - I think you've summed us all up very well!

[Lexaproman]

@auqini - yeah not that I would brag about it but it is quite amazing that we function at all!

[sugahorse1]

How are you feeling - Lexapro?

[Lexaproman]

Well, they adjusted some meds and took me off Depakote, which I had just started not too long ago. I did not it though so I am cool with that.

As a result of the new med routine I still feel as bad as ever but once again I can hide it and move on. But at least I am not crying every hour or so.

I have a hunch I am describing a similar feeling as you? It sounds like you are doing much better although your problems are just the same as always?

This is been the story of my life. Nothing really ever changes for the better except the degree in which it is impacting me at any given stretch of time.