[wifethatwas0102]

when it comes to support that is.....

(I know i've posted like three times today, but I'm in a panic about coping!).

My DH was referred by our counselor to an ARNP for an evaluation and dx of what she assumes to be BP2. His appt isn't until 2/10. We've been juggling this possibility (likelihood to me) since November, when he all of a sudden told me he didn't love me, he had feelings for some girl at work he'd only me twice, and then was shoppping for jobs in other states, and started writing a screenplay that he swore he could just move to CA and publish and be famous. He also submitted headshots to some modeling websites. Then he got really depressed for a week,a nd shut down. (he was at my MILs...so id idnt' see that) and then one day he came home and asked to come home...and he was back to normal. almost too good, too happy and in love (considering he told me he didn't love me).

We've done research together, we go to therapy together (and separately) we've bought the books, he took the tests online...we're just waiting for his appt. And now he's cycling again. He was hypomanic last week...and now he's depressed. he told me he had no feelings for me again (but he did last week) and that he can't see me as a wife or a lover because he's too busy seeing me as a mother because I'm constantly worried about him.

My counselor and family have told me that dispite the hurtful things he's said, and his talk of divorce and separation and NO love, that I should continue to show him support, tell him I love him, and offer to help him.

Will that make it worse...if he already feels like I mother him? I don't know how to make my role feel more like a loving wife, and less like a worried mother.

HELP!

[eskielover]

What you sound like you are worried about is "enabling" him. Your supporting him is not about enabling him to continue on without getting the help he needs, it's about him getting the help he needs & sticking by him through the point where he is getting the help & can get on meds that can stabilize him so that he can get back to his normal self.....that is where the find line come in.

Yes, he's hurtful in the things he says & does in this state & you are not encouraging him to stay in this state, but encouraging him to get the necessary help he needs so badly to stabilize his moods....hope you understand the difference a little better now.

Yes, you are going to continue to worry about him & in this mood, he's going to feel the mothering effect of your worry. Just try to keep the loving wife feelings you had for him previously & see how the help for him goes. At least give him the chance to get the help he needs before leaving him. See what changes help is able to make with him......then you can decide if you need to end the marriage.

I know it hurts to have your husband turn on you this way & I don't know how well I would be able to handle that either....but all you can do is try if you really love him.......if it doesn't work out, then you decide what you need to do at that point....but don't write him off before he gets the help he needs to get back to his normal self.

[blueoctober]

It's difficult for any of us to suggest what you should do because everyone is different. I'm very independent and always have been. If a partner or friend was constantly checking in to see how "my bipolar was doing" I would be annoyed.

The only suggestion that I can make is to honor your own feelings. Take time for yourself, reach out to your support network. This isn't going to be a quick fix getting a diagnosis (if he is diagnosed). It takes time for the meds to get to a therapeutic level/finding the right meds etc. It will take a lot of effort on your husband's part to manage the bipolar (taking meds, regular sleep, eating properly, going to therapy etc. etc.) You can't do any of this for him and you will burn yourself out if you try. Continue going to therapy and perhaps finding a face to face support group for spouses/family members would help as well. Take care of yourself

[wifethatwas0102]

Eskielover-- It feels so stupid to tell a man I love him, when he's looking me in the face and telling me he doesn't love me. But it just doesn't seem rational that he can admit he had love for me on Tuesday, but not on Sunday. I just don't believe him....we did this before...and his feelings came back, or as he put it, "he felt a spark" and it all came back.

I feel beaten down that he says he doesn't love me. What if he doesn't love me? What if this has nothing to do with bipolar? That's my worst fear. But knowing the moments we've shared, I can't fathom that he never loved me (as he said the frst time he cycled).

[FeelingHopeful]

I believe he does love you, i think its the illness talkin right now, Im so sorry this is so hard for you , When he is stabilized I believe you wi see the man who you fell in love with and who fell in love with you. He's in there, please take care of yourself , thats the best thingyou can do for him and you, Im iving you a really big hug!

[wifethatwas0102]

tahnk you Feelinghopeful!

I put aside my broken heart and anger, and went home and greeted him. I thanked him for prepping dinner. I made small talk with him. After the kids went to bed, I told him I loved him. And I didn't expect him to say it back right now. But that I love him, and I took vows to love him through better or worse, sickness and in health, and that was what I was going to do. I was going to love him, and be his best friend if that's all he could see me as for now. I told him I was there for him to lean on, in anyway he needed, as long as it didn't take away from what I need to do to support ME. If he needs quiet time, I'll give it. If he needs to talk, I"ll listen. If he needs a video game pal, I'll play. If he needs a hug, I'm there. He got very misty eyed, and whispered Thank you. I asked if he needed a hug, and he said yes. I held him close. Which was SO hard for me. We talked a bit about his feelings about his upcoming appt. He admitted he had not sought or found any support from ANYONE besides me. That makes me sad. i can't imagine going through this without the support of my 2 best friends, a close worker, and my parents and sisters. They've always been there for me. He must be so alone.

This morning he made a good step....our normal morning routine has ALWAYS been that he wakes me up at 5am as he's leaving for work with a kiss and an I love you. He's stopped since Monday. This morning he woke me up and hugged me. He didn't say I love you, but I didn't expect it anyway. But it's a step in the right direction.

He also told me he could really use a counseling session, but there wasn't any appts. I was on the wait list, and she happened to call me for an appt today! I was able to get her to get him into her schedule tomorrow too. When I called and let him know, he seemed relieved.

I truly hope this is his illness talking. If its not, I will be eternally heartbroken. He is the love of my life. My high school sweetheart, my best friend, the father of my children. I cannot imagine a future without him loving me.

[BlackPup]

As blue said, its hard to make suggestions cos we are not there and you have to live with the consequences...
I would suggest that it may help you to work out what is his problem - caused by his BP and nothing to do with you and who you are - and what is yours - how what his is doing and saying is making you feel.
Whether to continue to support him: you have to be true to yourself. Knowing that it is his illness causing the problems has allowed you to be more forgiving, but that doesn't mean that he does not have to deal with the effects of the way that he has treated you. It will be more constructive to deal with this after he is recieving treatment...
Best wishes to you both...

[Anneinside]

Is he someone who says "I love you" easily? Do you really need to hear it from him every day? Maybe you should just state I love you and not expect or demand a reply.

[wifethatwas0102]

Originally Posted by Anneinside

Is he someone who says "I love you" easily? Do you really need to hear it from him every day? Maybe you should just state I love you and not expect or demand a reply.

actually he is. We've been together for 9 and 1/2 years. In that time, it has been our habits--he's always said I Love when:

he hangs up the phone
He leaves the house
Right before we go to bed

If those things aren't happening, he's doing it intentionally because he's mad. That's how our relationship functions. I think that's why its been so hard not to hear it. I did say it to him, and I did not expect him to say it in response....not right now. I'm trying really hard to just be his friend.

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by wifethatwas0102

actually he is. We've been together for 9 and 1/2 years. In that time, it has been our habits--he's always said I Love when:

he hangs up the phone
He leaves the house
Right before we go to bed

If those things aren't happening, he's doing it intentionally because he's mad. That's how our relationship functions. I think that's why its been so hard not to hear it. I did say it to him, and I did not expect him to say it in response....not right now. I'm trying really hard to just be his friend.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do right now.