[Firefly2010]

I hate being sick. I feel alone and out of place no matter where I am. Who am I? Which "one" inside me is the real me? Depressed and isolated with deep emotional scars, I daydream about death. Tired. Confused. Anxious. Alone. I don't fit in. The ECT treatments leave me drained, The meds don't work. Unable to put my emotions in words, I leave the therapist frustrated again. Anger takes over. The psycosis begins. Suddently through the fractures, She emerges again, She is Medina and she sees the pain. She hates me and calls me a slut, pathetic, worthless and weak. Reality breaks which one is me? I am her or is she me? I want to be this but she wants to be that. I am a christian and I try to follow Christ, I despretly pray for forgivenss. Medina reminds me of all of my sins reminds me that forgiveness is an abstract concept that does not apply to me. I am sinner so why stop now.Medina is so beautiful and attracts much attention, but her beauty is decieving and hides what lies beneath. Medina is manevolent, selfish, violent, evil, and rude. She will pull you close only to push you away. Love is also a concept that doesn't feel real, but what is real? The pain is the only thing that seems real. I am an outcast with no circle of friends. I see other people and want to be them. I want to be accepted, loved, forgiven and populer too. Medina is so attracitve, outgoing, and confident and people gravitate toward her, but they eventully see the person beneath the foul and the ugly and they walk away. Medina hates the deep seeded wounds and wants to cover them and bury them any way or how. Medina abandons those few that have stayed and claim love to give in to any temptation that comes along. I am an addict that looks for the cure. It wasen't at the bottom of the bottle I drank, or in bluts and joints I smoked. Medina promises that drugs are the cure I just have to find one that will cover the scars. So I take this pill and that one, and it actully helps. The alcohol, pills and meth that I smoked made me feel better and part of the crowd but when it they wear off there is only more pain and debris. Medina leaves me even more bankrupt than before and I feel her hate for me as she laughs at my pain! Her motive is the death of me. So which one am I and whch one is real? Someone please help me before its too late. Tell me how to deal with the pain, heal the woulds, and let others in!!! Am I her or is she me? Could the stranger inside me really be me??

[ladyjrnlist]

Do you have a therapist? It might help you. I know many of the feelings you are having. I hope things get better soon.

[yagalada]

You probably don't want to hear this, but I never started moving even closely toward getting better until I sobered up. I know how it really does feel like the self-medication works, but for me it just masked everything. I had to work on both problems, substances and mental health at the same time. There is a workbook, called seeking safety, which really helped me. Most substance recovery stuff made me roll my eyes but this one really helped. Its geared toward women who have PTSD and substance abuse issues...

Have you been up front about how you feel the treatments aren't working. The ECT wrecked me, the meds never seemed to do much except dull me, but I may try again with the meds. Other things like DBT have been more helpful for me.

[Ryask]

I think that you seem to be describing your thoughts and feelings very clearly. You could print this post and bring it in to your therapist. It could be really helpful in determining what to work on first, and how those thoughts are connected to your life in your own words. I sure hope that things get better for you, and i think they could if you let your therapist in a little more by sharing your post.

[Firefly2010]

Originally Posted by Ryask

I think that you seem to be describing your thoughts and feelings very clearly. You could print this post and bring it in to your therapist. It could be really helpful in determining what to work on first, and how those thoughts are connected to your life in your own words. I sure hope that things get better for you, and i think they could if you let your therapist in a little more by sharing your post.

I have an appt. with my therapist tommorrow. I can express my self by writing, but don't like others reading it....when I am in his office I just can't communicate these things. It was a big step for me to post this, but it is more anonymous. I agree with you. I think if I shared this maybe it would give him a better idea of what is going on. Thank you very much!!

[Firefly2010]

Originally Posted by yagalada

You probably don't want to hear this, but I never started moving even closely toward getting better until I sobered up. I know how it really does feel like the self-medication works, but for me it just masked everything. I had to work on both problems, substances and mental health at the same time. There is a workbook, called seeking safety, which really helped me. Most substance recovery stuff made me roll my eyes but this one really helped. Its geared toward women who have PTSD and substance abuse issues...

Have you been up front about how you feel the treatments aren't working. The ECT wrecked me, the meds never seemed to do much except dull me, but I may try again with the meds. Other things like DBT have been more helpful for me.

Thanks for replying! I am working on getting clean, I have been going to NA but this last week I became very manic and ended up in the dope house for three days using meth heavily. Now I am detoxing (again!!!) and I went to an NA meeting this morning and talked about the relapse. The ECT treatments wreck me totally!!!!! I have had 14 out of 24 and I quit getting them 2 weeks ago. My family wants me to continue but my case manager said I was declining and took me to a new psych doc to get a second opinion. He is trying to manage me with meds (sigh!!) that don't work. Anyway thanks for the giving the name of the book. It is comforting to know that there are other people out there that can relate to me and know how I feel!

[Firefly2010]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

Do you have a therapist? It might help you. I know many of the feelings you are having. I hope things get better soon.

Thanks for replying to my post! I do have a therapist and I am going to see him tommorow. I feel so alone in dealing with all my mental issues and find it comforting that I can talk to other people that know how I feel.

[Mac Murphy]

Originally Posted by yagalada

You probably don't want to hear this, but I never started moving even closely toward getting better until I sobered up. I know how it really does feel like the self-medication works, but for me it just masked everything. I had to work on both problems, substances and mental health at the same time.

Absolutely true! I was self medicating with other addictions and it really messed me up for many, many years. After I cleaned up other behaviors in my life I was finally able to get my illness under better control. I have learned that when I allow bad behaviors into my life it hurts my ability to control my illness and sometimes I go hyper manic and really mess up and hurt myself and those close to me.