My husband needed a ride to the bus station this morning.

He's going to pick up the new motorcycle, which is on Long Island, which if you know anything about the NJ/NY (this is USA for those outside) area, is a very awful drive, 2 bridges that I do not drive over and I'm very afraid to make that drive. The last time we went there I thought I was going to have to drive home and was freaking out - this time owned up to him that I was very afraid to drive on those roads and especially the one major bridge AND I hate driving behind him when he rides in case something happens and either I hit him or I see him get hit....these are my fears and although he may not agree I feel I am justified in having them.

Our relationship is so up and down - he'd said something hurtful to me yesterday so I was crying on my way home from work, but then he was very sweet last night and we were listening to music together, which we hadn't done in years.

He wanted to catch a 7:04AM bus.

The bus station is about 10 minutes from the house.

He didn't pack his gear the night before.

So this morning, he's rushing around, also playing his stupid video game at the last minute on Facebook to make sure everything is in place....

Then we're rushing rushing rushing.....

He missed the bus.

the next one is 30 minutes later.

he doesn't want to wait.

He can't take the train because he'd bought the bus ticket online.

Now he wants to drive the hour and a half to the bike shop - I hadn't even brushed my teeth, no coffee, no food ....i said no....and he got so mad....said he can't count on me....we sped up the highway and passed the bus so he could catch it at the next stop.
When he stopped the car he spilt coffee all over my car - if I ever spilt coffee in HIS car you can't even imagine how he'd freak out about that.

I gave him a Freaking gift this morning to celebrate his new motorcycle. Just a shirt I found yesterday but I was trying to be nice. I try so hard to be nice and he just doesn't know how to be nice. It's like he has no filter for what comes out of his mouth. He knows how stressed out I've been from my job and how i've been seeing my therapist every week instead of every 2-3 months. He knows I've been seeing the Pdoc more often. He certainly knows i've been crying all of the time and you'd think my HUSBAND could be a little nicer to me....i don't know why he has to be so mean.

And then when he comes home I don't know how he will act - it's a 50/50 shot of "Look at our new bike honey" or a "silent treatment".

And we have plans with my parents and very old family friends tonight so we have to play loving couple no matter what.

i can't stop crying and i'm sick to my stomach.

We just got married last April and I knew then - he was so mean to me the night before our wedding - in front of most of our friends and family AND on our honeymoon.....i never should have married him....and now it's too late.

I'm sorry for this being so long. none of my friends know exactly how bad things are here so i can't call anyone.

[ladyjrnlist]

Have you tried some couples counseling? It's never too late. I mean, if things are truly so bad, you should consider doing what is right for you. I hope things get better soon.

He doesn't believe in therapy....he has no idea what I do there....he thinks most people that have any illness of any kind are defective....I would be embarassed to bring him.

He just called me to tell me his tension headache is subsiding....
no apology.

he was so nice when I met him. He can be nice. he can also be very mean. And he knows he's mean and doesn't care. He's told me this. I can't do this for another 30-40 years.

[Ryask]

You know....i always say regret is actually the worst feeling in the world...because there is really nothing you can do to change the past. I have this feeling that you think a separation would be a failure on your part. Life is too short to be unhappy...life is too short to be treated badly. I think you should sit him down and say "this isn't working for me, i need someone who is supportive and caring, who can be nice to me especially when i am having a bad day, and that's really not asking too much". I would ask that he attend couples counseling with you if he wants to work on the relationship....and if he doesn't....then in my opinon...he has no desire to change and/or doesnt feel like the relationship is worth the effort. I would just hate to see you waste 5-10-15 years of your life with someone who makes you feel terrible...separation sucks...but someone has to do whats best for you...someone has to look out for you...and it should be you.

you are so right Ryask. i do feel like it would be a failure. this is my second marriage too. And I've worked very hard to have this 'pretty on the outside' life. i have a good job and make a decent amount of money and now the husband and the house. i'd finally felt like I'd made it. When called my husband on saying something mean last weekend he said he couldn't help it....it just comes out, which at 41 isn't an excuse anymore. i am petrified to do this....to have that conversation. I have said these things before and he tells me he doesn't want to make me cry and we should separate which makes me cry more and in the end he feels bad and comes back and says he will try....
I've been thinking all day that i do need to talk to him. i will do it. i have to do it. i can't live like this.

[PT52]

So, so, so sorry you have to go thru this! It's painful and unfair and you don't deserve to be treated badly by the one person you should be able to count on. I have been through so much of what you are dealing with now; I've failed at marriage before and my husband can be so incredibly insensitive and I spent a long time feeling responsible, like somehow I deserved it. We've been together 14 years, so I hope some of the realizations I've made will help you get through this..

First - mine's not one to say he's sorry, either. For years, I would crumble every time he got angry. My T didn't think it was the best approach, but I finally answered the last temper tantrum by standing my ground and getting angry right back. It was a wake-up for both of us. Things are slowly (very slowly) improving. If I didn't see improvement, I would have to move on for certain.

The thing is, your husband failed to prepare, wasted time on a video game and missed his bus (not your fault). He doesn't have the patience to wait a mere 30 minutes for the next one (not your fault). He expects you to accommodate him by driving him, and dumping it on you at the last minute without any preparation (not your fault). It isn't an emergency, it's a child who (at that moment) doesn't give a rat's ***** about your feelings if it means he has to wait any longer to get the new toy (not your fault).

One of the things I've learned recently (and still trying to apply to my life) is that I can't make him do what I want - he has to choose it. I can tell him what I hope for, but I also need to know where to draw the line. As much as it will tear me apart, if he intentionally crosses the line and stays there, I have to decide if I can accept it.

So...I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it that way at all..if he makes you cry when you're together and the thought of separating makes you cry also, maybe you should try a trial separation and let him figure out what he wants to do. If he's anything like my husband, he feels guilty for the crying, but is also using it as an excuse not to face the reality that a good relationship takes a lot of effort.

As long as I'm writing a book , one more thing..if he starts an argument that is a recurring one, try to bite your tongue and not respond in any way. Eventually he'll quit; it's hard to argue with someone who's not arguing back.

TONS of hugs, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve no matter what you choose.

[blueoctober]

I hope the conversation goes well jadedmoonbeam. Perhaps you could write him a letter so he has the chance to let it sink in, instead of having the need to react instantly. He isn't going to change over night, but you may want to put a time frame on when you would like to start seeing changes. Perhaps a weekend couples retreat would help?

[kitty004567]

Oh sweetie, (((jadedmoonbeam))) I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. When I was in couples counseling, and individual counseling having trouble in my relationship my T had me make a list of things that had to change for me to stay (because my happiness is my responsibility and I can't make him do anything) and then set a reasonable time period for beginning to see changes (it was 6 months). I then in couples counseling presented him with a copy of the list and that I was going to leave if I didn't see changes happening.

By listing out exactly why I was unhappy and exactly what I needed it helped me clarify my thinking. BTW, it didn't work out. He didn't take me seriously so 6-8 months later I left him. Apparently that was the wakeup call he needed lol. Now, about a year later, we're friends again. Guess what...everything on that list? Being worked on or fixed. Perhaps you could make a list and then try a trial separation if things aren't changing. That would at least let your husband know exactly what's wrong and what you intend to do if things don't change. Then follow through. Make sure to include respect and love me - because everyone deserves that. Best of luck

you know last night he came home and was so sweet and so nice....the man I met originally. the man i thought i was going to marry. we went out to see friends and my parents and had dinner - he was Mr Nice Guy.

And he asked me not to take my meds right away so we could just lay in bed together and cuddle. so i didn't. and wouldn't you know he fell asleep in about 10 minutes. so i stayed up watching Gone With the Wind. I waited for a while to take my meds but i was so jumpy and anxious i just had to - came back in and 10 minutes later he rolled over and asked me to turn off the tv bc it was disturbing him. So i did and came in the other room.

At 4am I woke up for some reason I waske up at 4am every day with a panic attack - and i decided to make a list
(without seeing ony of the previous posts by the way)
Of everything he's done to upset me in the last few weeks.
Trying to put them in the "When you do this it makes me feel like this' statements i learned in a group therapy a few years ago

Then fell back to sleep.

this morning he told me i don't seem myself.
that I don't look at him the way i used to

And in my head i'm thinking, this is a good segue into the whole list and what i want to talk about

so i said,well, things haven't been so good between us lately.

And he says well they can never go back, so it's too late.
i told him things never go back to how they used to be but they can move forward to a better place...but in his head the conversation was done. He's gone now - he said he had stuff to do and left.

I want to give him the list today but I'm scared of what it will bring.

PT52 - i do exactly what you said - i just say ok, and yes when we argue. It's easier. he HAS to be right.

[Ryask]

Jaded i'm really proud of you! Even though your scared you made a list on your own, you have decided you do want to talk to him and that's really great. Sometimes when i faced with a decision i do a pro's and con's list, but actually it's a cost benefit analysis. I break it into what am i losing by being in this relationship (self worth, happyness etc) and what am i gaining by being in this relationship (companionship..even if it's crappy at least i am not alone, the facade of a "happy" life etc.
Once you see it down on paper you can really see that most likely the costs are just not worth it, it may give you the little extra push to have the conversation with him. Regardless of what you decide you can always count on us to be here for support. I know it's not the same as having the support of your husband or family...but i feel it's a pretty good alternative. Good luck

Well, i told him, if not in the exact way I wanted to, that if he didn't start to be nicer to me, and if he didn't want to work on this relationship, that I am not as weak as he thinks i am, and i will leave. I was trying to explain to him that the things he says to me hurt me, and he responded to me to tell me that he holds back a lot. that doesn't matter. the things that come out hurt. he shouldn't be doing that. he just doesn't get it or he just doesn't care.

He was saying our relationship is broken. And i asked him if he wanted to fix it....and i told him i just wanted him to WANT to fix it. He said he did. and then he left with his friend.

i really like the idea of a pro/con list...or a cost benefit analysis. I keep looking at my finances to see if i could really swing moving out if i had to. I spent so much money on my stupid wedding that I'm still paying off.

I just feel so lost. The support of this group is so wonderful. it's the only place where i can say everything oither than my therapist, who i'm not seeing for another week and a half now so I'm so glad for this. you guys are giving me strength.

[kitty004567]

((jadedmoonbeam)) I hope he really does want to fix it and you guys make some progress. Keep us informed.