[lotusflames]

i cant do much more of this.

2 weeks of mania

i should have known it wouldn't last. i want out. i just want it all to end. i cant get my cpn cos she finished on friday and i tried to call her all week and she never got back to me. so the cmht obviously dont care. i cant see my psych for another 10 days

i've tried to crash my car, i need to self harm. i just want out.

[ladyjrnlist]

If you are still actively seekingj "solutions" you need to go to the hospital right away to protect yourself. Please do this.

[Larfu]

If you have a real person you can talk to, I would try to get a reality check. Symptoms are not a good reason to kill yourself. I went down that road. Please don't hurt yourself. Just call someone, 211, whatever. Get some help. If that's too much, just keep chatting here. Please.

[lotusflames]

ive been tryig to call my cpn all week, she didnt call back and now she's left.
she's the only way i can get to the crisis team and they always refuse me cos i'm working therefore i couldn't possibly be in crisis
my local A&E isn't in my health authority area so they dont want to let me see anyone
besides, i dont really care. i dont want the help

[Larfu]

Originally Posted by lotusflames

ive been tryig to call my cpn all week, she didnt call back and now she's left.
she's the only way i can get to the crisis team and they always refuse me cos i'm working therefore i couldn't possibly be in crisis
my local A&E isn't in my health authority area so they dont want to let me see anyone
besides, i dont really care. i dont want the help

If you want help, there are plenty of resources out there. It sounds to me like you are not seeing things clearly, because you are depressed. I'm not a doctor or a counselor, but I really believe that unless some part of you wants to not be depressed, you will stay depressed. The only way out is to do some hard work, take the meds, and get yourself some help. I recommend you do this to avoid suffering further. I wish you the best, and hope you make it out of this dark place ok.

Originally Posted by lotusflames

...besides, i dont really care. i dont want the help

This is exactly why you need to seek the help, lotusflames. This is what our brains tell us, why it is a disorder, how it distorts reality. It seems so real, but it is lying to you.
Ladyjrnlist is right on. Hospital. Please, lotusflames....
Much love, strength and clarity to you in seeing this is so...

[lotusflames]

I don't need the hospital.

I'll manage. I always do

Ahhhh, stubborn. I say that in total kindness and empathy. I am too. Very. Especially when in the darkest places. Much suffering could have been avoided if I'd been able to understand just how much that trait ill-served at the time. You deserve better.

Advice still stands.

[lotusflames]

I guess I'm scared they'll ignore me or put me in hospital. I need to work or its all pointless.

[Anneinside]

I think you do want help, otherwise why bother to post here.

[disguise123]

my brother just goes to the hospital till he calms down, rarely even gets seen.
If u feel like u are going to take drastic action please do just go to the hospital
Please

[lotusflames]

i saw my gp on monday and he managed to get me to see my pdoc yesterday who was very concerned (to add to being completely shocked cos she's never ever seen me like this as i've been relatively stable since i started to see her a year ago) and she's changed my anti-d and is waiting on my lithium bloods done yesterday and might put them up again

[sugahorse1]

I'm so glad to hear you are safe and have taken the necessary steps to get help! It took a lot of strength-well done!
Now make a note of how you felt when you were at your lowest, what steps you took to get better, and how you feel now. The next time you are battling, refer back to these resources.
You do have a will to live; you pulled yourself through. There's also nothing wrong with going to the hospital. Even if just for a few days to take time out and get the meds adjusted.

[lotusflames]

hospital was never discussed with the pdoc. i think she'd prefer i was going to work as it gives me something to focus on.

but seeing her every week doesn't fill me with joy

[disguise123]

oh but I am glad that u have her watching over u!!!!!!!!!!

Good work I'm glad u got through that night.

[lotusflames]

i made a full 24 hours without self harming yesterday even though i really want to. i need to hide my stuff before my hubby gets home.

[disguise123]

fantastic. Happy for you. I don't think you should hide it. u need support, would he support you????

[disguise123]

oh maybe I read that wrong , did u give in today love?

[lotusflames]

Made it thru yesterday. Hubby is home for weekend so won't have chance even if u want and back to work Sunday

[disguise123]

well I am glad, hope ur ok when tomorrow dawns.

Originally Posted by lotusflames

...but seeing her every week doesn't fill me with joy

Yeah, get that.
So glad you are holding (relatively at least) steady, lotusflames. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts through this...

[lotusflames]

I just don't see a point to it all.

Tmw I have to work and face 2 people I spectacularly crumbled in front of and who have ignored me for 4 days.

I'm so dope up I feel like a zombie all day and still can't sleep without temazapam

[disguise123]

poor love, be strong,