I dont know where to start

I've been off meds for about 2 months now. my mood been low, not erratic, no mania or hypomania, i've dipped really low and have had some racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts and been hearing voices. Thats few and far between though.
My life has just fallen apart around me recently, and i am so scared, my moods been holding up, i havent 'broken,' yet, which i've been surprised at my strength, its quite odd really, this is the worst point of my entire life, and i'm just and sort of -5 on the scale, where as at other points in my life when things couldnt have been better, i tried to kill myself!!
Then thats mental illness for you, doesnt always seem to make sense.

Anyway, at the moment i really feel theres no place for me at all, i'm not sure when it happened, but i'm not needed by any one any more. I'm a hindrance more than anything.
I dont have a job, because i quit mine to go to college in what i know now was a manic state, my family is under financial pressure as it is at the moment, and having to support me isn't helping, my Step-dad has made it pretty clear he wishes i wasnt here, my mum obviously loves me a lot but i'm not helping her, just dissappointing her daily, and putting strain on her and my stepdads relationship. I dont feel at 'home' at home, just like a burden.
My Friends all have jobs, relationships and lives of their own and i feel like i just sit about waiting for them to need me.
My best friend in particular, told me last year that i was the most important person in his life, that he loved the fact we come as a pair, "robert and Misha," you pretty much would see one of us without the other. An incident happened that really drummed into me, that that isnt the case anymore. He has a work do, tomorrow, i used to work with him and anything interesting about work he had to tell anyone, he told me!
I arrived at his house on Thursday, and he was like, "Need to go and buy a shirt for Monday." and i was just like, "Whats happening monday?" and he told me, he had the even. When Adam (his boyfriend) arrived, of course he already knew all about it. I'm not annoyed with Robert, this is all part of life, friends get partners and life changes, but i cant see my purpose in being here anymore. I'm not suicidal, i know they all love me... I'm not saying they dont, just wished i had a point.
A year ago, i had a good job, earning way above minimum wage, lived with My Mum , stepdad and brothers who were happy and fun and well, Robert also lived with us, and me and him worked together, if his family had an event, it was just a given that i would go as well, we were basically like sister and brother, we had a close group of friends, and we'd see them at least 2 or 3 times a week. Life was good, but i had this stupid illness that stopped me from appreciating what i had!
I'm still going through my five month diagnosis with my mental health team, get a full doctors diagnosis in april, not even sure its bipolar any more, it seemed so obvious that it was last year, now we dont know.
But i've always posted on this forum, so hope u all dont mind!

I would make an appointment Monday to see someone and express how you are feeling now! Sounds like you could use a little help!!
Thinking of you!.....and glad you posted!

Sooo hear you on the first (I have broken a few times though, but nothing near what would be expected. Might just be too numb(!) A distinct possibility.) I'm sorry to hear that things are messy around you now, but VERY GLAD that your mood is holding up!!! Yeeeaaaaa!!!

Mind you posting here? Don't be silly -- you're always welcome here, widgets!

My life fell apart due to illness but now years later I'm putting it back together, better and stronger than before.
I hope that your mental health team have the answers and help that you need. I am sure that you can get through this and enjoy life again.
Will be thinking of you