[emptyboat]

Hi, I am new to this site. I joined it because oftentimes I feel very alone as the mother of a bipolar son who is a month shy of 18. I am hoping to get some feedback and/or advice on what are the best ways to respond to him when he is phasing. I am pretty intuitive with him, but not sure sometimes if I am responding to him in ways that are helpful.

Like this afternoon, he was frustrated with me for not picking him up at his high school, driving him home, waiting an hour for a couple friends to get out of their classes, and then driving him back so he could go with them to a Starbucks near the campus. He said he didn't feel like waiting for them. He had other options but none of them were agreeable to him.

Up until now I have generally allowed myself to be at his beck-and-call, but am beginning to set more boundaries with him as he will be 18 soon and is still not showing maturity about tolerating inconveniences or respecting others' time. He is indignant that I would not drop whatever I was doing to pick him up and drive him back.

I have 2 other children, work, and am a student about to graduate from a counseling program, but his attitude is that if it's my day off I am not doing anything and should be available to him for whatever he wants. I asked him why he thought my time was not valuable and he said because he is better then me. He also told me not to get "an attitude" with him.

I understand boredom is uncomfortable for him. Waiting any length of time, for anything, is a constant challenge. And yet I am tired of feeling manipulated. All these years watching him struggle I'm afraid I have babied him somewhat by giving in, often out of fear he would go into a rage. He told me when he got home he wasn't going to be "nice" to me and that can mean anything, depending on his mood, from cold shoulder to outright aggression.

I love him dearly but feel like this has to stop. He is on meds. Any advice?

Thanks for listening.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by emptyboat

And yet I am tired of feeling manipulated. All these years watching him struggle I'm afraid I have babied him somewhat by giving in, often out of fear he would go into a rage. He told me when he got home he wasn't going to be "nice" to me and that can mean anything, depending on his mood, from cold shoulder to outright aggression.

Welcome emptyboat. I'm sorry that your son has been diagnosed and you've had to watch him struggle with the illness. I agree with you that he is capable of dealing with these situations and threatening that he wasn't going to be "nice" is manipulative.

I don't have children, but I can imagine it would be difficult to set healthy boundaries, but it's necessary. Whether a child is BP or not they all require boundaries. Your son will be out of the home soon and will be expected to function in school, work, life in general and having a "mantrum" will not get him anywhere.

If you aren't already I would suggest family and individual counseling for both you and your son. He is very lucky to have you in his life. The book in my signature is for family members, friends of those diagnosed. It's excellent.

[Ryask]

What a tough spot to be in, I'm sorry your having to go through this it must be really frustrating. Personally i would recommend seeking counseling for yourself, maybe specifically for assertiveness. I understand you sometimes feel guilty about standing up to him because he has bi-polar and you want to be accommodating...but what is that accommodating his inappropriate behavior really costing you?...whats that costing him?...anyways just my personal opinion...good luck and please keep us posted.