[helpmecope]

I am 38 and have a 19 year old bipolar daughter. I know life is really rough for her. Believe me I do. I have dedicated everything I am and have to helping to assist in her well being. Sometimes I feel as if no one watches out for mine. Between the verbal abuse, aggression, worrying, crying, needing, wanting, irritabilty, and general feeling that the life is being sucked right out of me I wonder where does that leave me?? I'm not being selfish and do not mean to sound that way. BUT I am talking about a child that has moved out and has me supporting her. In this economic time I can barely pay my bills. She calls me 30 times a day, every day, all day. She cannot make or keep friends or a job. She has been the center of attention for so long my other children have suffered. My relationships with everyone suffer. I am so frustrated and tired. Just plain tired..I cannot even begin to explain the lonely, empty feeling I have. I love her to death and would never blame these things on her but I find there's not a lot out there for me. On an even sadder note there's not much for her either. I just wonder if there are others like me? I'm sure there are but know no one that can truly understand life with someone so mentally ill. She is and always will be my main priority but when will the rest of my life fit in???

[Confusedinomicon]

Is she seeing a psychiatrist?
Is she seeing a therapist?
These two things can *help* the problem but she has to want to get help. However, there are things YOU can do to reclaim your life.

These came off the top of my head:

1. Set boundaries.
This is probably the hardest thing that you will have to do, but it's necessary for your sanity. As my boyfriend has shown me, tough love is sometimes the best form of it. These boundaries can include telling her that she can only call you during certain parts of the day, so you're not constantly worrying about the next phone call. Putting her through some kind of therapy so she can learn to be more mindful of others. Telling her she needs to at least make an attempt to try medication if it had helped at one point. If you don't set those boundaries, she is going to continue to consume you.
2. Outline what behaviors are appropriate.
You can SUPPORT her, but you cannot be her therapist. Therapy and support are different. She is old enough that she could probably fill out paperwork to get some state insurance and maybe even disability pay if it is severe enough. This could help her learn some more independence.
3. Give yourself a break.
You are a full time parent and have other children to attend too. As my boyfriend said, the average person lives 79 years in this day and age. You're only half way there and you want to enjoy your life. Yeah, this can be debilitating but bipolar is a disease and she needs to realize that it can be managed successfully. By allowing her to constantly call you, you're enabling the behavior.

(((helpmecope)))

[blueoctober]

Welcome helpmecope. This illness is hard on the person diagnosed and their friends and family. It's very important for you to set healthy boundaries with your daughter because you will burn out. Have you considered seeing a therapist and/or joining a face to face support group for family members?

The book in my signature is written for friends and family members of those diagnosed. It's excellent.

[Omers]

You may also want to ask for ideas over in the care givers forum. There are a lot of us over there who are caring for loved ones with challenges.
I agree with the need for boundaries and finding support services other than you.

[helpmecope]

Thanks so much for the response. Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist. She is on several meds. This is her more controlled self. I know I need to set boundaries. That is an excellent point. Maybe I need to join a group to learn how? Her behavior has alienated her from even having the ability to have friends. I guess I have always been the only one there for her due to behavior. I feel as if I am not there, she will have no one. I do believe that makes me an enabler. I know I have allowed this behavior since she was 4. Unfortunately, I have taught her that her horrible behavior always gets her what she wants in the end. Due to pure guilt and a sense of feeling sorry...

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Is she seeing a psychiatrist?
Is she seeing a therapist?
These two things can *help* the problem but she has to want to get help. However, there are things YOU can do to reclaim your life.

These came off the top of my head:

1. Set boundaries.
This is probably the hardest thing that you will have to do, but it's necessary for your sanity. As my boyfriend has shown me, tough love is sometimes the best form of it. These boundaries can include telling her that she can only call you during certain parts of the day, so you're not constantly worrying about the next phone call. Putting her through some kind of therapy so she can learn to be more mindful of others. Telling her she needs to at least make an attempt to try medication if it had helped at one point. If you don't set those boundaries, she is going to continue to consume you.
2. Outline what behaviors are appropriate.
You can SUPPORT her, but you cannot be her therapist. Therapy and support are different. She is old enough that she could probably fill out paperwork to get some state insurance and maybe even disability pay if it is severe enough. This could help her learn some more independence.
3. Give yourself a break.
You are a full time parent and have other children to attend too. As my boyfriend said, the average person lives 79 years in this day and age. You're only half way there and you want to enjoy your life. Yeah, this can be debilitating but bipolar is a disease and she needs to realize that it can be managed successfully. By allowing her to constantly call you, you're enabling the behavior.

(((helpmecope)))

[helpmecope]

Hello Blueoctober..Thank you for the book recommendation. I am going to get it. I have been suffering from burn out for about 15 years. I am finally realizing enough is enough.

Originally Posted by blueoctober

Welcome helpmecope. This illness is hard on the person diagnosed and their friends and family. It's very important for you to set healthy boundaries with your daughter because you will burn out. Have you considered seeing a therapist and/or joining a face to face support group for family members?

The book in my signature is written for friends and family members of those diagnosed. It's excellent.

[helpmecope]

Thanks Omers! I am going to check out that forum as well.

Originally Posted by Omers

You may also want to ask for ideas over in the care givers forum. There are a lot of us over there who are caring for loved ones with challenges.
I agree with the need for boundaries and finding support services other than you.

[kitty004567]

Boundaries are good, I just wanted to chime in and wish you good luck. I can also give you an example of a system we have in my family to ensure I get help when I need it.

My parents were ignoring/not returning my phone calls (still don't really understand why). However, our new system is if I call from my cell phone to one of their cell phones more than once in a row it is an emergency and they will always answer the call. That gives them the power to choose whether or not they can handle a call with me without them wondering if that's the call they need to answer. It also gives me the security of knowing I can always reach them in an emergency. We also defined emergency (the dishwasher not working is not an emergency, psychosis or suicidal thoughts are, etc.). Hope that helps and I hope you find time to get a break and time for you.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by helpmecope

I have been suffering from burn out for about 15 years.

I would suggest being honest with your daughter about how you're feeling.

Certainly this is just my perspective, but I think if a person has never had to support themselves financially he or she will never learn how to take care of themselves. What motivates me to manage this illness, go to work etc. etc. is I don't have anyone who will support me financially. It's a strong motivator when a person has to rely on themselves (diagnosed with bipolar or not).

[Confusedinomicon]

You can probably help her find ways to socialize. A local support group for people who are bipolar could help her develop the social skills that she needs. You can attend these with her and maybe it could help you get to know her better while still instating boundaries. This can give her the opportunity she needs to learn that she is not alone and that her feelings are shared. There are also support groups for caregivers, I am sure. Even giving yourself a "mini vacation" and doing something YOU enjoy can help a lot, I bet!

My parents were ignoring/not returning my phone calls (still don't really understand why). However, our new system is if I call from my cell phone to one of their cell phones more than once in a row it is an emergency and they will always answer the call. That gives them the power to choose whether or not they can handle a call with me without them wondering if that's the call they need to answer. It also gives me the security of knowing I can always reach them in an emergency. We also defined emergency (the dishwasher not working is not an emergency, psychosis or suicidal thoughts are, etc.). Hope that helps and I hope you find time to get a break and time for you.

Sounds just like me. xD