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#1
Mar 26, 2011, 08:28 PM
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I am nobody. I have no identity. I am nothing. There is nothing here. Run your hands through me and it is clear.
I feel like shouting and whooping and having some fun. Awww yeah... shouldn't have had the beers tonight. I got bored and tossed some shoes at my husband who was sleeping (playfully, didn't hurt him) he got mad and fell back to sleep. |
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#2
Mar 27, 2011, 04:06 AM
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I hear ya, BNLsMOM.
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#3
Mar 27, 2011, 10:03 AM
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((((((BNLsMom))))))
 
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss |
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#4
Mar 27, 2011, 10:21 AM
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Sounds like you are kinda up and kinda down. Maybe you are right about the beers! lol.
__________________
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#5
Mar 27, 2011, 10:51 AM
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Woke up today. Had some pancakes and went to church. I feel ambivalent and emotional at the same time.
I went to bed last night and I almost decided to take some old Xanax because I wanted to see what it would feel like as my body shut down for sleep. I didn't do it, though because some part of my logical mind was still working and told me that after having beer, Xanax is a bad idea. I am afraid of what is happening to me and at the same time, I don't care. |
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#6
Mar 27, 2011, 04:51 PM
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Having mixed alcohol and benzos in the past, admittedly without any intent, I can tell you that it is not worth doing, unless you'd like to end up in the hospital restrained.
__________________
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! ---"Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society". Abraham Lincoln Online. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 30, 1859. |
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#7
Mar 27, 2011, 05:21 PM
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TRIGGER
I am not a fan of Benzos to begin with. I had a bad experience with Klonopin once. I can't get rid of the Xanax because it belongs to my husband and although he hasn't needed it, it is there in case of his anxiety attacks. It is in his night table hidden and I found it because I was looking for something else one time (with his permission). Knowing it is there is comforting and frightening at the same time. If it were to someday not be nestled in its little spot in the night table, I would feel very insecure, as I felt when a razor blade disappeared from a place above the window where I randomly found it months after my husband used it to scrape wallpaper glue off the wall. I still reach up there occassionally wishing it was there. I feel crazy for having these feelings, but sometimes the option of harming myself, or worse, is the only comfort I have when things get difficult. Last edited by BNLsMOM; Mar 27, 2011 at 05:34 PM. Reason: Adding Trigger |
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#8
Mar 27, 2011, 08:22 PM
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More trigger...
I was writing in my journal today and came up with the idea that the purpose of my life is to teach my family to grieve and that my death would make the kids stronger. It feels like a great discovery but I am really afraid of it. |
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#9
Mar 27, 2011, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
__________________
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! ---"Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society". Abraham Lincoln Online. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 30, 1859. |
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#10
Mar 28, 2011, 08:03 AM
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TRIGGER
I read my journal this morning and I feel like it was someone else writing it. I think I need to share it with my T this afternoon. I am afraid that I will end up in the hospital again. Maybe I am not as safe as I think I am. I remember as a teenager I loved it when I was alone in the house because I could sneak any food I wanted. Lately, I have been feeling like I want to be left alone so I can sneak a knife or some pills. It's not good. |
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#11
Mar 28, 2011, 08:39 AM
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I would definitely recommend sharing it with your T. I understand how difficult that can be, to share information with a professional they could use to commit you. That's when you most need to share it though. Tell us how it goes if you can. I'll be there in spirit, if you want me.
__________________
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! ---"Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society". Abraham Lincoln Online. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 30, 1859. |
 BNLsMOM
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#12
Mar 28, 2011, 08:46 AM
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Sorry BNL- we all feel like that occasionally. I'm glad you've managed to share this with us, but I really think your T needs to know. Let her decide what's right for you.
You don't sound like you're in the best of places, and I'm thinking of you xx |
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#13
Mar 28, 2011, 08:47 AM
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Do you think I will get committed?
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#14
Mar 28, 2011, 08:48 AM
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Quote:
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#15
Mar 28, 2011, 09:04 AM
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I might have to.
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#16
Mar 28, 2011, 09:55 AM
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If you don't hear from me after 1 pm it is because I have gone to the hospital. I am going to let my T help me decide.
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#17
Mar 28, 2011, 10:05 AM
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Well done for looking after yourself-it's the right thing!
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#18
Mar 28, 2011, 07:46 PM
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Thank you for getting the help you need.
__________________
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! ---"Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society". Abraham Lincoln Online. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 30, 1859. |
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#19
Mar 29, 2011, 09:25 AM
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Wishing safety for you right now...
__________________
 "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things". I Corinthians 13: 4-7
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#20
Mar 30, 2011, 08:30 PM
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I hear ya, i hear ya. HUgs
Quote:
__________________
"Unipolar is boring! Go Bipolar!"  Amazonmom is not putting up with bad behavior any more. |
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#21
Mar 30, 2011, 09:39 PM
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Since we haven't heard from you since your last post on Monday, I assume you saw your therapist and maybe went to the hospital. It was the right choice to get help--you saw the signs, shared it and took action--that is strength and good judgement. You are in my heart and prayers. Let us know how you are doing when you get back and are up to it.
So much of what you described in earlier is what I've experienced in the past so I can relate. I'm glad you went for help. |
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#22
Apr 02, 2011, 07:17 AM
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Idid go to the hospital, just for a couple of days this time. I needed an "oil change." My meds apparently weren't working. My Depakote level was low as well. So we raised my Depakote level, switched from Seroquel to Risperadol, and added Inderal for anxiety symptoms since I can't take benzos.
I am doing an intake for a partial program on Monday. As far as I now the program is full but my case worker has asked them to pull a few strings for me. I feel so much better now and the Inderal is like a miracle. |
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#23
Apr 02, 2011, 01:40 PM
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Glad to hear that your new meds combo seems to be working. You deserve to feel well. Big hugs.
__________________
Human decency is not derived from religion. It precedes it. -Christopher Hitchens |
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#24
Apr 02, 2011, 01:48 PM
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I am glad you got the help you needed BNLsMom. I know it was a difficult decision to make but you are better off for it. Glad the new medication is helping. Keep on doing what you are doing and never let go.
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Seuss |
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#25
Apr 02, 2011, 05:42 PM
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I am very happy that your new meds are working for you and that you got the help you needed. I hope you can get into that program to get the support you need.
Wishing you strength, hope and wellness, JourneyUpward
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