[jesseryn]

I've been diagnosed with ED NOS, Bipolar NOS, & ADD as of this July...my psychiatrist & psychologist are still working on figuring out/treating my other symptoms (obsessive-compulsive behaviors, & possible BPD). MEDS: Lamictal (200mg) + Adderall (20-60mg).
Midsemester I couldn't deal w/ my ADD anymore (went from 4.0 to struggling to make one A taking 9hours).

So, started Adderall, which was amazing, giving me energy & concentration to function again.
One problem: my anxiety/moodiness had never been fully resolved, so I have more anxiety while on Adderall (just that kind of hyper-aware/jumpy anxiety). It's really not too bad of a trade-off, normally, but lately my anxiety has become nearly incapacitating (since my "live-in" bf broke up with me, leaving me alone in my apartment). I get these waves of anxiety, randomly, through the day -- there seems to be a SMALL correlation between Adderall and anxiety starting, but the anxiety mostly comes randomly. I've expanded my social life/activities, I'm tapping into new support networks, and I've been using behavioral-cognitive techniques to work through the anxiety.... these work, but only for 10minutes--2hours, then the anxiety comes back just as strong.

I'm NOT focusing on the anxiety/negative thoughts/fearing loss of control over the anxiety.... I'm just sitting reading my textbooks, or fixing dinner.... and I get this overwhelming feeling that somethings wrong, like a full body experience of fear that I'm not safe, and that I'm utterly empty.

I've never in my life felt like I was retaining love when others leave my sight (I deal quite well w/ death because of this... people seem like an idea/perception, not a living/loving being w/ an emotional presence). I have to have something physical (touch, even material possessions of the person) to feel love. This means that when my ex comes over now, I'm usually desperately pleading for him to be with me, wracked w/ pain & sobbing; as soon as he walks out of the door, I feel like all my emotions are wiped clean, and I get up and go on (quite content, really) with my day. I've always been overly-needy/dependent, so I chose to live on my own (initially) to prove to myself that I can
survive like this.... however I've already made suicide/SI threats to my ex... I don't even know who "that" person is, it seems so illogical, desperate, and pathetic; I just become consumed by something else (I've had rocky romantic relationships, usually mildly abusive). Before (& a little after) I was medicated, I disassociated from my previous boyfriends at times, suddenly feeling no emotional connection with them (to the extent that I felt like a stranger was touching me, very uncomfortable). I also disassociated from myself at times, likely out of guilt over my impulsive actions (I can't remember last Spring for this reason). I don't have any psychotic behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, ideas of reference, etc).

Any ideas about the anxiety? Sorry that I went on for so long, I just tend to think that my life-long feelings of loneliness/emptiness have something to do with it. I've been taking benzo's (prescribed) since I can't cope otherwise; but I can take 3 at a time with no calming effect (if I start crying, I can't calm myself, & neither can the meds).
Thanks,
Jessie

[Azalysa]

Hi, jesseryn!

I don't really have any insight that would be helpful at the moment but just wanted to leave a supportive note.

I've been struggling a lot lately with anxiety (I'm currently on short term disability from work due to a severe depressive episode) so, for whatever comfort it may be, we're (the great people on this forum) are in this together and I have faith we will become stronger and beat these feelings!

I was also interested in your not remembering Spring. This depressive episode began the end of September and I truly have no recollection of October whatsoever. I remember the end of September, then it was like the time span of a weekend and *boom* it was November.

I'm interested to see if others have some insight...will check back!

[wi_fighter]

I just got back from my P-doc appt a bit ago, so I'm feeling full of info at the moment. So bear with me.

At my first visit, he thought maybe I had AADD, but that you always treat depression first. He also gave me some Ambien for a 2-week trial. I felt GREAT while taking the Ambien. I could concentrate and do my work like a 'normal' person. Once the Ambien ran out and I went back to having insomnia, the concentration and focus went down the drain.

I mentioned it to him tonight and he said that insomnia will cause cognitive impairments and problems with memory and concentration - the problems I'm having. He's going to keep me on 5 mg of Ambien if taking a "sleeper" as he calls it is as or more effective than a stimulant would be. It also won't cause the anxiety like a stimulant can.

So maybe you and your doc can try to see if getting a good night's sleep does as much for your attention and focus as taking Adderall does, but without increasing your anxiety. Just a thought.

I know I function horribly without enough sleep, it makes everything seem worse than it is, and I haven't been getting enough sleep for years. Can't fall asleep, once I do then I can't stay asleep. Nine hours in bed might give me 3 hours of interrupted sleep, so taking a small amount of Ambien gives me 4 solid hours and I feel like an entirely different person the next day even though the last 3-4 hours in bed are mostly just laying there and enjoying the warm blankets and soft pillows.

I hope you and your doc can get this taken care of soon. I know how horrible it can feel.

[Azalysa]

[jesseryn]

Hi, Thanks for all of the supportive posts!!
To Wi-Fighter, I enjoyed all of your information. However, I seem to have the opposite problem of insomnia (dyssomnia). I do get about 9 hours of sleep a night (just not at normal times); so the cause of my lack of concentration isn't due to this. I can sleep forever (I took 1 benzo @ 6pm yesterday, & slept 15 hours...& would have slept about 24, but my mom stopped by & made me get up). I've been this way all of my life, so caffine/stimulants were always my "drug of choice" .
~Jessie