[BNLsMOM]

What's the use? I am only going to keep having episodes. I have fought so hard. I am tired of it.

I wish I could just curl up and never see the light of day.

I know I will feel better someday but I have such long bouts of depression and such short bouts of stability and even shorter bursts of (hypo) mania.

I am just tired of it. I want to go off all my meds and go somewhere like an island where I can just immerse myself in holistic treatments. That will never happen so I am stuck here while the meds ruin my body and health and don't really help my mind much at all.

I care, BNLsMOM!!!
BP is tiring. But it is good to have a place where others understand just how true that is.... Empathy to you on the long depressive bouts...that's my BP's MO too... bleh!

Ahhhh, an island....hear ya!

[BNLsMOM]

I feel like I will go mixed again. In fact I think I am a little already. For me, mixed is on the depressive side with a lot of frantic thinking, anxiety and paranoia thrown in for fun. I usually end up inpatient.

[sunshine285]

I care too, BNLs...I feel for you too, I almost had a mixed episode yesterday and didn't feel stable, sensible or productive...and it scares me, because I have these plans for my future and want so much to make them a reality. I've never been hospitalised although I should have (long story) and I'm also at a stage now where I'm tired of being on meds and then changing them again when the side effects are untolerable. I'm also researching holistic treatments, I'm not saying going off meds of course...but if you can get your doc on your side, how about acupuncture or yoga as complementary therapy. I practice yoga myself and more recently meditation and can feel the difference already. I believe that if we can get our subconscious mind to work with us through meditation, music therapy or whatever works for you, we can train our brain to better comply.

I felt like giving up too last night, just got sick of it all...but after talking it out with my mum (we both cried), I woke up this morning, went to yoga class and have been feeling good all day.

I think what I'm trying to say is, it's ok to take it one day at a time and VERY ok to reach out when times are tough. That's what we're here for.

Take care and have a good weekend BNLs,
Sunshine

[wing]

I care! I suffer, too, and my heart goes out to anyone experiencing an episode.

[thinker22]

BNLs,

Don't give up. It took 2 years for me to find a good combo. For some it takes much longer than that, but it's worth the wait. I'm so glad I didn't give in to my sui urges. I have a chance at a future now and probably won't die young like I always imagined I would. You need to take care of yourself even if that means going inpatient again. Your family and friends all want you to be well and they would blame themselves if you gave up. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, just hoping to throw you an anchor so your ship can stop and rest and do whatever you need to, to get well.

[Warrioress]

I'm exactly where you are now. I hope things get better for both of us soon

[jack123]

Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have more depressive episodes and seems like they get more severe the older I get. I am thankful for the good days I do have. People do care about you even when it is difficult to see it.

[ladyjrnlist]

I can so totally relate. I'm the same way and I am also down right now. It's very hard. Just keep going and don't let the depression win. Try to hold on to the good days.

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

What's the use? I am only going to keep having episodes. I have fought so hard. I am tired of it.

I wish I could just curl up and never see the light of day.

I know I will feel better someday but I have such long bouts of depression and such short bouts of stability and even shorter bursts of (hypo) mania.

I am just tired of it. I want to go off all my meds and go somewhere like an island where I can just immerse myself in holistic treatments. That will never happen so I am stuck here while the meds ruin my body and health and don't really help my mind much at all.

[BNLsMOM]

My T gave me two hours yesterday because he didn't have a client right after me. He put some pressure on me to scream into a pillow. I really didn't want to. I feel angry with him about it today becasue I realize that the feeling I had while he was pressuring me was the same as a feeling I experienced as a kid when something bed happened to me. I feel powerless and out of control. I just want to give up. It's not worth feeling this way. I am hoping to be able to go to sleep for a few hours to make the day go by faster. I actually can't bear having to be awake all day. I had nightmares all night too, so it isn't much better.

[BNLsMOM]

I slept a lot today and I still feel miserable.

I think I just don't care anymore. It hurts too much to keep having and losing hope.

[Merlin]

[WendyAussie]

Hello BNLsMOM, I'm back on this board after being away for a while, I don't know if you remember me.

I was in your current mindstate for years, for me it was suicidal ideation everyday and I nearly didn't make it. But I then DID find proper psychiatrist and psychological care and a new meds regime and progressively, glacially really, those really bad mood states did become just the tiniest bit farther away.

Life still hits me hard and meds are always an issue. I am currently coming down progressively off Seroquel and it's hit the point where I've had Night Terrors the last two nights. I'm only settling into a new town and it's been so hard ton get my mental health and medical clinicians in place and I don't know how much help I am going to be able to get. The last thing I want to do is end up in the psych ward here because the public system is an absolute shambles.

So I do relate, but just ask that you do try to see over the horizon that things can get better, as they can.

[Tsunamisurfer]

(((BNLsMOM)))

[BNLsMOM]

Talked to my T. He is going to call me again later.
Waiting to hear from my p-doc

Don't feel better.

[mybad]

right here with you, I too have been going through so many hard episodes lately, and feel like my meds are not working, so turned to this site. It seems to be helping a bit reading posts and knowing we are not alone, and now I can talk and express how much i am hurting inside..hang in their and know we here are all here for you and you our not alone

[MickG]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I slept a lot today and I still feel miserable.

I think I just don't care anymore. It hurts too much to keep having and losing hope.

It is so hard to care sometimes. Just thought I'd come by and say I'm thinking of you. Sending you my best.

How are you doing, BNLsMOM? Did you get to talk with your T again? Did your P-doc get back to you? Thinking of you. Lots of

[BNLsMOM]

Pdoc upped my antidepressant.

T is doing eerything we can to get through the episode including extra sessions. I am going to my 5th for this week later this afternoon.

I was thinking of taking a vacation by myself. My parents have a condo in Florida and I am thinking if I can find cheap airfair, I might want to spend a few days down there. I doubt my family would want me to be alone so I might have a huge mountain to climb, and my husband hasn't been paid for his contract work yet so I might have a financial argument. It would be so cheap though. Airfair (cheap rate) taxi to and from airport in FL, and a trip to the grocery store. Everything else is right there for free.

[mgran]

It might do you some good, though I can imagine why your husband might be afraid. Sometimes we need a bit of silence and peace.

Do you feel safe now? You're not suicidal or anything? If so I could really get your husband's anxiety. At the same time, a time of peace might be just what you need to recoup your energy.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by mgran

It might do you some good, though I can imagine why your husband might be afraid. Sometimes we need a bit of silence and peace.

Do you feel safe now? You're not suicidal or anything? If so I could really get your husband's anxiety. At the same time, a time of peace might be just what you need to recoup your energy.

I am not suicidal, but I have had thoughts of hurting myself as recently as yesterday.

[BNLsMOM]

Naw, nevermind. the whole thing is a stupid idea.

[WendyAussie]

But, hey, would it be possible to plan for you to go with your husband sometime soon? I just say that as when we are ill and have been ill for a long time, we have so little to look forward to and it's soul destroying and a gazillion psychiatrists and psychologists have said to me it's really important for everyone, not just we with mental illness to have something to look forward to. It increases mental health.

[BNLsMOM]

We can't afford two plane tickets because we are losing our health insurance in June and although I am covered by medicare and we can get the rest of the family covered, I am not enrolled in medicare's prescription programs. I don't know if I would have to wait until open enrollment or if I can just sign up anytime. I might have to pay for some prescriptions out of pocket. My husband is just doing a temp contract job right now and it could end at any time.

Anyway, I talked to my mother about it and she said that she didn't think that I was safe to be alone. Then she got into a bunch of logistics trying to get me to give up the idea and when I gave up the idea, she said that she was just trying to help me get there.

So I got confused and I am giving up. I am angry. I did feel better when I thought I had it to look forward to.

But nevermind.

[Yoda]

I just found your thread, I'm sorry you are in a down time. It seems a shame that you can't get away for some R&R.

I hope the med change helps your mood.