[Ashekitty]

At this moment in time I am shifting through emotions pretty rapidly. We just got home from another state seeing my Grandmother while we were there she went into the hospital, everyone was upset but I didnt let it get to me I didnt think it was serious. We got home Tuesday and today we got a call that she died a little while ago. So, Sunday we are heading back up there for the funeral. I keep kind of going through stages of Normality, Numbness and Sadness thing is it's all happening rapidly like within minutes.

That isnt what this is about though, I know grief strikes people in many different ways and that may just be grief but this has been happening a lot lately. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II, I was in therapy and on meds until I was bullied so much in Highschool I nearly committed suicide and was expelled. During the bullying I went to numerous people for help, Councelors, Deans, My mom even the Principle all of whom did nothing. So eventually it got bad I lost pretty much all my friends and nearly overdosed. After I got out **** just got worse, my mother and Step dad treated me like pure ****. They took away everything I had including my bed. My mom pretty much screamed at me every morning when I woke up over one thing or another. Eventually she dropped me off at my grandparents and just never came back to pick me up. We saw eachother one last time, and this was for my School conference in which they requested for her to bring me. After that was over, she yelled at me some more and then dumped me on the side of the road with no money and no cell phone so I walked to the store and had my grandparents come get me. Me and my mother haven't talked directly since. She took me out of everything, which means basically now I don't get dental care, health etc. No medication and no Therapy which I was supposed to get because I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder shortly before the school thing. I cant afford therapy, or to have my teeth fixed, or anything of the sort. I live with my Grandparents now who sometimes can barely afford food. I uhm, got into some trouble a bit after all of this with a store. My friend suggested stealing and I couldnt afford any clothes so I went along with it attempting to take 2 shirts. We got caught of course, and now I am dealing with all of the money I now owe the store and for court fee's etc. Which I cant even pay.

I just, dont feel anything anymore the way I should. Occasionally I will cry, or get upset but only when Im alone and then Im right back to nothing. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore, or turn to. My family doesnt want to get involved and I cant afford therapy that even I myself know I need.
I'm not sure what to do anymore in fact just yesterday I contemplated suicide because at this point I dont even know what my worth is..Im not in school, I cant afford to fix my teeth which need help, I have health problems I cant get fixed, I gained weight and got stretch marks and I'm only 18 so I dont feel pretty anymore like other girls my age. My own mother hates me and told people I would be better off dead, I cant see my little brother or sister whom I love so much. Im now in debt and cant afford to pay anything or find a job. I just feel meaningless, like my life is going nowhere and I'm not sure what to do anymore...

You can say get help..but I cant even afford help..what do I do...
Everything is going downhill.

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Ashekitty

At this moment in time I am shifting through emotions pretty rapidly. We just got home from another state seeing my Grandmother while we were there she went into the hospital, everyone was upset but I didnt let it get to me I didnt think it was serious. We got home Tuesday and today we got a call that she died a little while ago. So, Sunday we are heading back up there for the funeral. I keep kind of going through stages of Normality, Numbness and Sadness thing is it's all happening rapidly like within minutes.

That isnt what this is about though, I know grief strikes people in many different ways and that may just be grief but this has been happening a lot lately. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II, I was in therapy and on meds until I was bullied so much in Highschool I nearly committed suicide and was expelled. During the bullying I went to numerous people for help, Councelors, Deans, My mom even the Principle all of whom did nothing. So eventually it got bad I lost pretty much all my friends and nearly overdosed. After I got out **** just got worse, my mother and Step dad treated me like pure ****. They took away everything I had including my bed. My mom pretty much screamed at me every morning when I woke up over one thing or another. Eventually she dropped me off at my grandparents and just never came back to pick me up. We saw eachother one last time, and this was for my School conference in which they requested for her to bring me. After that was over, she yelled at me some more and then dumped me on the side of the road with no money and no cell phone so I walked to the store and had my grandparents come get me. Me and my mother haven't talked directly since. She took me out of everything, which means basically now I don't get dental care, health etc. No medication and no Therapy which I was supposed to get because I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder shortly before the school thing. I cant afford therapy, or to have my teeth fixed, or anything of the sort. I live with my Grandparents now who sometimes can barely afford food. I uhm, got into some trouble a bit after all of this with a store. My friend suggested stealing and I couldnt afford any clothes so I went along with it attempting to take 2 shirts. We got caught of course, and now I am dealing with all of the money I now owe the store and for court fee's etc. Which I cant even pay.

I just, dont feel anything anymore the way I should. Occasionally I will cry, or get upset but only when Im alone and then Im right back to nothing. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore, or turn to. My family doesnt want to get involved and I cant afford therapy that even I myself know I need.
I'm not sure what to do anymore in fact just yesterday I contemplated suicide because at this point I dont even know what my worth is..Im not in school, I cant afford to fix my teeth which need help, I have health problems I cant get fixed, I gained weight and got stretch marks and I'm only 18 so I dont feel pretty anymore like other girls my age. My own mother hates me and told people I would be better off dead, I cant see my little brother or sister whom I love so much. Im now in debt and cant afford to pay anything or find a job. I just feel meaningless, like my life is going nowhere and I'm not sure what to do anymore...

You can say get help..but I cant even afford help..what do I do...
Everything is going downhill.

go to doctor firstly , keep reading articles on this site that show u u are not alone , join the chat rooms too - u are loved and u are special no matter what u think x

[Direction]

Originally Posted by Ashekitty

At this moment in time I am shifting through emotions pretty rapidly. We just got home from another state seeing my Grandmother while we were there she went into the hospital, everyone was upset but I didnt let it get to me I didnt think it was serious. We got home Tuesday and today we got a call that she died a little while ago. So, Sunday we are heading back up there for the funeral. I keep kind of going through stages of Normality, Numbness and Sadness thing is it's all happening rapidly like within minutes.

That isnt what this is about though...

That is a huge stress event to have happen and it probably is contributing to your mood fluctations...since your contemplating...its time to be seen...your at a point where you can't afford not to be seen. You probably should pack a few things, head over to the local emergency and talk to the crisis team...stay safe.

Ashekitty,

I don't know where you are, but is there any social programs you could access? Where I live we have social assistance and disability. If you could access something like that you could get health care, some dental, and your meds that you need. It would be a good stepping stone to help you get on your feet.

I'm really sorry that all that has happened to you. That's an awful lot for a young lady to go through. I wound up homeless at 14 and was pretty lost. But you can find your way, even when it seems totally hopeless. You just keep picking away at it. You are totally worth it.

If I was really desperate, and could not access any therapy, I would go to the library find some good books, borderline, bipolar, and self help and I would read away. Therapy doesn't always require a therapist.

You can always talk to people here, there is always someone here to listen.

Direction has wise advise, I agree that you should go to the local emerg.

[palemoss]

i would call the cops on your parents, see a social worker, try to find a job/housing... take small steps

your mom sucks.

my mom sucks too but she never went as far as abandoning me.

if she's still around kids, that is a problem... she needs to be held accountable.

[Ashekitty]

Originally Posted by palemoss

i would call the cops on your parents, see a social worker, try to find a job/housing... take small steps

your mom sucks.

my mom sucks too but she never went as far as abandoning me.

if she's still around kids, that is a problem... she needs to be held accountable.

She is still around my brother and sister but they have never dealt with the full extent of her awful behavior, she usually just reared that towards me. I am worried though, because what will happen when they are older and begin to make more mistakes within their lives, will they be abandoned too? It's difficult I cant lie about that. There is so much I need right now Dental work, Health care etc. and I'm so young with so little life experience and I could really use the guidance of a mother or father figure both of which I dont have.

[Ashekitty]

Originally Posted by Direction

That is a huge stress event to have happen and it probably is contributing to your mood fluctations...since your contemplating...its time to be seen...your at a point where you can't afford not to be seen. You probably should pack a few things, head over to the local emergency and talk to the crisis team...stay safe.

I've done this before and I refuse to do it again. It is of absolutely no help what so ever, here they take you and lock you up in an awful place that treats you horridly and I would rather avoid this at all costs. Which is why I have not acted on my feeling's of suicide, I have only thought about it. The place they put you in here is just...awful, in fact it makes you feel worse then you did before you were put there. I dont get it..

[Direction]

Well...you need something to be able to draw the line in the sand...to say to your moods I'm not going to let you win...

I've been hospitalized during various times...and had various degrees of help...I do understand that sometimes it may not feel that helpful...one of the most successful was one in which right after I went to an IOP (intensive outpatient program)...

It is a group model and I participated about 6 months...I was no longer able to continue in that program as I was moved from county funded aid to medicaid...After another few months I found a program that accepted the medicaid...You really need to find a way to get some help...combination of psychiatrist, therapist, a group program, and other support people. You've got to really work it if you no longer want to be held hostage by your moods.

So find your way to draw that line...somehow...ok?

[2sweeties]

I am sorry I can't offer you any constructive advice. This is all new to me. But I just want to say that I'm sorry you are suffering so much and I pray that things will improve for you. You're only 18, and have so much yet to do in your life. Please don't give up on yourself. hugs to you.