[SingDanceRunLife]

It's been a rough couple of weeks, especially this past week...honestly, there are only two things that have actually made me happy all week: My littlest sisters (5 year old twins, the cutest things in the world, always smiling and appreciative of me), and getting a job, on the spot after not even getting calls from most of the other 11 places I applied to and feeling hopeless about finding a job for the summer.

...but it's gotten bad...I didn't shower yesterday...I didn't shower today (and didn't even bother to get dressed or do my hair. I've been holed up in my room most of the time. I've been crying a lot.

I just don't have the motivation to do anything, and the thought of having to do things in the next couple of days is so unappealing. Monday I have orientation for my job, which as I said made me super happy at first, but once I fully realized what had happened, I had mixed feelings and have ever since...and Tuesday I have an interview for a second job...and as much as I've been saying that I want/need to work (mostly need)...I really don't want to. I just need a break. A real break where I don't have to do anything, and working will prevent that...especially if I have two jobs. Ugh.

Quite honestly, right now, I'm gonna go grab a big bowl of ice cream, pop in a movie and wallow for the rest of the night...and the likelihood I do anything tomorrow is slim. I might go to church, but only because that's a really important thing to my parents.

[wing]

Sing, there's nothing wrong with wallowing a little, but you've got a job and you need to take advantage of it. It will help you to get out of the house and around people. These things always help my depression. You might consider a tweak of your meds as well.

I agree, nothing wrong with wallowing a bit. And it sounds like you've been worried about not finding a job. What your feeling right now is probably temporary.

Do you need to have two jobs, could you make it by with one job?

I hope the next few weeks will be easier on you.

[SingDanceRunLife]

So far I've ended up listening to music, trying to pick a movie to watch (I'm going with Superbad), journaling, and crying my eyes out...

I definitely think I need a meds tweak...I am not doing well at all...haven't really been for a bit...

Anika - Honestly, the only reason I've been worried about finding a job is because I want money. I don't need it per say (unless I want to have a life and be able to go to movies and stuff with friends)...but I like having it. I also feel obligated to have a job because I had one, but told them a couple weeks ago that I couldn't do it (which I know I couldn't considering my previous and current status since it would include being away from home in a place I've never been with people I don't know for 9 weeks, not in therapy, and not at all close to my pdoc...not a good situation)...Plus, my parents have a rule about summer...after you turn 18 you have to do "something productive" with your summer i.e. take a class, work or volunteer so...I have to do something. If I had enough hours, one job would be okay, but with the job I just got I was told that there's no guarantee about hours...and to please my mother, I have to work at least 20 hours/week, and she would prefer me working more...around 30-35 hours/week. I'm only interested in 20-25 hours/week since I don't know if I could handle more than that right now, so we'll see.

sounds lie a good movie pick.

The whole work scenario uggh, yeah that's a bit stressful, and a bit of pressure. Makes sense to me why you choose to quit that job. I would stick with what you know you can handle. Is your mom understanding about the fact that you may not be able to handle a high work load?

I don't know if you've talked to you T about it all. I'm not quite in the same position as you, I'm on disability, but I feel a lot of pressure to get to work and like I'm somehow disappointing people by not working. I have to make myself be very realistic when it comes to this. Realizing that I cant pull off work wise what I once did.

And yes money is nice to have, I get that. Can be a little depressing with out it.

I don't have a lot of advice, just wishing you well.

[SingDanceRunLife]

My mom isn't really understanding about any of it...

That's well... not helpful for you at all. I'm sorry to hear that.

[SingDanceRunLife]

Yeah...to be blunt, it sucks.

Today was just awful...and I was on the verge of a full on meltdown, but thankfully I was watching a movie which helped distract me and make me feel a bit better. (In case you can't tell, movies are one of my favorite chill out things...that along with music and showers are my top 3. In fact, I just made a new playlist today entitled "Don't Worry Be Happy designed for that exact purpose).

Yes It does suck!

Sorry your day was so awful. I watch movies too when I'm not feeling good, my taste in movies when I'm not feeling good, is more like anne of green gables, little women, pippi longstocking, all the stuff that made me feel good as a kid.

Music affects my mood too much, can't find a happy medium. And showers are probably my number 1, or baths, I just need the water.

I hope you have a better day today, maybe even a great day.

[SingDanceRunLife]

I too tend to watch movies I loved when I was a kid. Either that or just stupid humour like Superbad, The Hangover and the like, or newer kid's movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks, which is the movie that I was watching last night.

Music is such a huge part of my life...I'm one of those people that can think of a song based on just one word a person says. I couldn't live without music. I have playlists for everything...one is inspirational, one is from a retreat I went on so it's kind of soothing and calming, one is to rock out to etc. Then of course there's just my other music which I listen to just whenever.

Today...not the best day. By 9:15 this morning, when I had been out of bed for just 45 minutes, my day was already not going well. I got up late, got yogurt all over my outfit which I was planning on wearing to my interview, had to put together a new outfit, and was crying the entire time...so my eyes were all red and puffy and I looked like Rudolph and my makeup was all messed up...the interview itself wasn't bad, and in fact I think it went well, but I'm still gonna have to do another one before they actually decide to hire me or not...ugh.

I'm finally back home after doing the interview and shopping for a collared black button up shirt which I need for my job at Applebee's...but they're super hard to find for women, and when you do, they're expensive! I ended up at Walmart in the boy's section where I found one for $10 so I bought it...and yes, I'm small enough to fit into kid's clothing. I got an XL, but a L would probably fit as well. I'm still gonna have to get another shirt cause one isn't enough, but it's a start.

[Capriciousness]

Hugs to you. You're definitely in a rough patch. I so know what that feels like. I hope it gets better soon.

Oh dear, rough morning indeed .

Hopefully your second interview goes well too. I shop in kids clothing too, I'm only five feet and a lightweight. It's so frustrating trying to find clothes. I also uses to work at Applebees's as a cook quite a few years ago. Although we only have three or four chains in the country I think.

I love music too, it just doesn't love me back

[SingDanceRunLife]

I'm 5'4 but skinny, so women's clothing doesn't fit very well. If anything does, it's usually in the petite section...but I can't wear pants from there because while I'm fairly short, my legs are fairly long. It's a good thing I'm only 20 so I can still get away with wearing mostly juniors clothing...but of course, most people who are 20 either don't wear dress clothes or can wear women's clothing, so finding button up shirts is super hard, hence my getting one from the boy's section.

Applebee's seems okay I guess...I'm not fond of the pay or the scheduling or the fact that I've paid over $70 on stuff to wear to work...if I get the AT&T job I'm probably gonna drop Applebee's like it's a hot potato...one day in food and I definitely think retail is better (for me).

[SingDanceRunLife]

Well, I'm down enough that my T said she wanted to call my pdoc and let him know that she's worried about my depression level. I told her okay and that I'm seeing my pdoc next week and am hoping to get my meds changed.