[anners6]

I'm very concerned that my boyfriend of 6 years may be bipolar. He will not see a mental health professional about this, and it's turning our lives upside down. We're both in our mid-20s, live together and work at professional jobs. Here's a summary of what's recently happened.

He suffers from depression, which he will not see a doctor for. He was diagnosed with it as a teen, but has not sought treatment since. It happens 2 or 3 times a year and lasts about 2-3 weeks each time. During that time he drinks a lot of alcohol and chain smokes (something he normally doesn't do). He has to take time off of work to deal with it, and sometimes he's been known to cut off ties to old friends. As in, calling them and bringing up something that upset him that they did months or years before and then saying something along the lines of, "we can't be friends anymore." This causes him to become even more depressed, as he has no friends, and when he's depressed he spends a great deal of time regretting that he did that.

He gets really drunk, and becomes convinced that all his friends, his co-workers and me either have betrayed him or soon will betray and sabotage his dreams, life, etc. Sometimes he calls up his friends and says awful things to them that he later regrets and hates himself for. I forgive him usually, but most of them don't or can't.

Then there are times when he can't sleep. He gets 2-3 hours a night, but seems to be all right to go to work. He works out to deal with stress, but lately he's been spending 2.5-3 hours a night at the gym. He was previously overweight and did this to deal with stress and get healthier, but now he does it A LOT.

He complains about how being out and about and surrounded by people (like at the mall, a bar, etc.) is too visceral an experience and it overwhelms him, and he needs time to recover from all the stimulation, and can only stand to be there a short period of time. He calls it "cognitive overload."

About once a year he panics and goes into a possibly manic? state and this is when he cuts off all ties to people who care about him, including sometimes, me.

This brings us to now.

We live together. For the last few months we've been looking to purchase a home together. We found a house we both liked, and on Monday we put a contract on it to purchase it. On Tuesday, he quit his job, and incidentally, the house deal didn't happen (not because of this, but it just fell through). On Wednesday he left me and decided to move out and live alone about an hour away. His job hadn't been going well for a while, and he was looking for a new one anyway, but it was kind of sudden that he quit. It's really bizarre because we were just looking to buy a house together, and then he quits his job and breaks up with me, literally the next day.

He works in the legal profession, so he's privy to a lot of confidential information. As a result, he now thinks that since he only has less than 2 weeks left at his job, that they're spying on him. He thinks they've tapped his phone.

He also mentioned that because I'm angry at him for turning our life upside down that he's afraid I'll physically hurt him. This doesn't make any sense to me, as I've never and would never hurt him, and I'm a pretty small woman who's not even capable of that anyway. I think it's odd that he's so paranoid.

It's been his dream to go to law school since we were in college together. Now he says his dream will no longer be. He's going to manage a restaurant and write a novel and move to England.

He quit his job mostly because he was forced to. He was convinced everyone was trying to sabotage him (this is a main factor of why he cuts off ties with friends too). Once that happened, everything seemed to spiral out of control.

Whenever something stressful happens, this is how he reacts. Like last year, when we had just graduated from college and didn't have jobs, he reacted by going into one of these "spells." Is it just how he deals with stress or is something really wrong? I know no one on here can answer that, but since he won't get help, I don't know what to do.

This happens about once a year. During these times he'll cut off ties to friends, me, quit jobs, get really drunk and do stupid things that could get him in a lot of trouble, etc. Afterwards, he feels embarrassed and apologetic, and I always seem to find myself forgiving him and taking him back. Before we were in college, and I could chalk it up to him being a young guy who was afraid of commitment, but now I'm really worried. I don't think it's just hijinks anymore. How could we be ready to purchase a home together one day, and then he quits his job and leaves me the next day?

I don't know if anyone will read this. All of these things I've described could be attributed to a number of things. Maybe I'm just hurt and jilted that a week ago we were getting ready to move into our dream home, and now I'm on my own. Or maybe something really is wrong with him. I don't know, and I don't know what to do.

His mother has been diagnosed as having severe depression, and a number of his relatives on his father's side struggle with alcoholism.

He was a psychology major in college, and says he knows enough about psychology to know that nothing's wrong with him. I have met with a therapist in the past, alone, to discuss this and other issues, and the therapist thought he should come in for an evaluation, but he wouldn't. My grandpa was bipolar and I have a friend who has been diagnosed with it, but they were much more severe than he is. My friend would do very rash things, but my boyfriend's not like that. He's not out doing drugs or having sex with random women. That's why I wonder if anything's even wrong with him.

But it's such a pattern. Two or three depressions a year (he knows when they're coming on), and once a year he acts like a stranger, making decisions I don't understand and have a hard time supporting. In the other times, he's loving, caring, genuine, grounded, responsible and my best friend. We have a loving, stable relationship, aside from those times when he seems to lose it. During the depressions he clings tighter to me, but during times like this he discards me.

I can't just walk away without doing something because he's my best friend and I love him, but I don't know what to do. We have been together 6 years, and during that time he's been like this exactly 6 times (plus the countless depressions, which from my end, aren't as rough because he's more rational).

Sorry this is so long. I just really need help now.

My mom and best friend are convinced something has to be wrong with him too. This isn't the man I know and love. Please help me!

[Junerain]

I think there's a lot of chance he is bipolar, although, it;s entirely up to _HIM_ to do something about it all the love in the world won't allow him to see he needs help.....especially if your mother and your best friend are also convinced something has to be wrong with him...medication can help, that's if and when he agrees to see a doctor.......sometimes someone acts out so badly they are sent to psychiatric emergency or someone has a run in with the law and then they get help let's hope it doesn't come to this, though...I feel for you, anners, and see how deep your love is for your boyfriend, you must feel powerless.....does he have any friends that also see this? What does his family say? I noticed you wrote that he was diagnosed with depression as a teen, whatever it took to get him to see a doctor at that point, perhaps under the same circumstance he will see the same doctor again..you have found a very supportive community here and I hope you continue to post here, I care about you.........

[MyBestKids2]

Hi anners6

Welcome to PC. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like your boyfriend has so many issues he is struggling with. He is so fortunate to have you to support and care about him!

He sounds like he may be self-medicating the depression with alcohol, which in itself is a depressant, and just makes things worse. I know firsthand how I thought it works. Definitely not a good idea.

He really really needs professional help. No matter how much you love him, there is nothing thats going to get better without an adequate diagnosis and treatment if necessary.

I wish you luck and peace!

Dee

[Clandestine]

Yeah, there's a big chance he is bipolar since some of his actions for the past years like you described happened to me too. I'm Bipolar I. I strongly recommend you seek professional help.

Welcome to PC ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[Anjyl]

hi hun. i also suffer from bipolar, and i had the problem with not wanting to go get help. i have a loving husband that helped me understand that i needed help, not only for myself, but for our relationship and for our newborn son. keep supporting him, but don't pressure him. the more he feels pressured, the more he is going to fight getting help.

i honestly don't think it's bipolar, but there is always a chance of it. you stated that this has happened once a year for the past 6 years. does this happen around the same time each year? if it does, maybe there is an underlying issue from when he was younger that is causing him to behave this way. i'm not a therapist or anything of the sort, but i do know firsthand what it's like to have it.

does he have a family doctor? i was lucky enough to have a family doctor that also has a psychology degree, so he found the problem shortly after i began seeing him.

keep up the support, keep loving him. it's difficult and i wish you and your boyfriend all the best.

ciao

[piscesmom]

I am bipolar and I have a fifteen year old son with bipolar. Your boyfriend swings from depression, to gradiosity to paranoia.
Those are all symptoms, the frequency doesn't matter. I would suggest that you speak with a psychiatrist and tell him everything you have told us and see what he thinks. It may be the best $200. you ever spend. Because living with someone who refuses treatment may be the most difficult thing you ever do. You love him, but like any other mental illness, it is up to him to want to be helped.
And if he refuses, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life and do you want to bring children into this mix? These are serious questions you need to consider. Breaking up is painful, I know. And breaking up with him may feel like you are abandoning him, but if he is refusing treatment, he is on his own anyway. He is incapable of loving you the way you deserved to be loved when he is so sick.
Good luck to you,

[sweetleaf]

For what it's worth, it sounds bipolar to me. Especially the part about how he has the periods where he does irrational, self-destructive, hurtful things that are out of character for him, and then feels tremendous remorse afterwards.
That sounds like many pages from my own bipolar life.

He sounds to me very similar in alot of ways to myself. I have only a few friends, but I have days when I wake up and just stop talking to all my friends sometimes for months at a time and then I call them back up like nothing happened and we start to hang out again. They say that they understand totally, but I dont always believe them. I have delusional thinking, I believe I can read people's minds and stuff and I think behind my back all my friends and even family are just making an *** out of me!!!

I also have very poor "impulse control" and it sounds to me like your man does too. I went from job to job until I finally had to file for disability because really I was on welfare and had worked every job in my area so I had no choice really. I live in a small retirement town and my vehicle is 11 years old and I dont trust it to run to far. Therefore I have to stick close to home.

Oh by the way I am Mikey and 33 from PA. I am new here too. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and I have delusional thoughts and I am a Self Harmer.

I have pushed away all my friends and lost my ex girl friend of 4 1/2 years because of my hypersensitivity and my poor impulse control.

I understand everything that you typed and I feel for you I really do because I really think your man is Bipolar. If not he sure does show lots of signs of being. There is something else called Borderline Personality Disorder, but I dont your man suffers from this because it mostly affects women and involves self harm and various other things that you didnt have issues with.

I would say your best bet is to "try" your very best to get your man to go see a doctor and have that doctor refer him to a specialist or pdoc (psychiatrist) for further evaluation. If not this is going to continue to ruin his life. Trust me I know. I have battling everyday with this illness and I am on 9 different meds per day and still having troubles with severe depression and isolation...

Hope I helped
I would say welcome, but I am new as well lol...
Take Care
Mikey/PA <font color="blue"> </font>