[OneDown]

Hello,
I stumbled upon this forum while looking for support sites and figured I'd investigate it further.

To provide you with a little background, I grew up in a home that ended up being "emotionally abusive" (to quote one of my therapists). My Grandmother frequently displayed many of the symptoms of BiPolar disorder (including suffering randomly lashing out at everyone in site) while my mother displayed all the symptoms of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder who liked to use us children in her attacks on my father.

The second half of my teenage years is when things started to go seriously wrong for me. Aside from the increasingly severe mood swings from depression, to extreme anger and aggression, to general well being and happiness (which were written off as being normal, being imagined, or being the fault of one of my parents, depending on who I asked), towards the end of High School I started to occasionally hear voices. Rather than bring me to a Doctor, my parents and the few people I told at my church who heard of it all said i should talk to the Pastor (who suggested maybe God really was responding to me).

Very quickly after that, the "voice", when I heard it, turned negative and began telling me that I "needed to suffer" and "was bringing pain to everyone I knew", and I developed the sensation that something was "crawling around in my brain". I turned to cutting myself to "relieve the pressure" and cover it up as an accident or burn. Back to the pastor and church / bible study who then suggested that I was "being oppressed by a demon" and that I should "keep praying and reading the bible". After that I attempted suicide, somehow survived and managed to drag myself to the campus medical center where I promptly collapsed, but got medical attention from some EMT's who had arrived to respond to another suicide on campus.

After a few visits with the psychiatrist and therapists, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II (with psychotic symptoms), Paranoid Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Fast Forward 11 years and I'm still in one piece with the help of five different medications. I still deal with the severe depression and strong suicidal ideation, and recently the "voice" has returned,this time telling me that I "needed to die to ease the pain of all those around" me.

In the months that followed, after developing a deeper understanding of just what I was dealing with, I grew angry with all those I had approached for help previously. This anger was only compounded by some of them insisting that "its all made up" or again that "its a demon I failed to free myself from". The worst for me were the ones who proclaimed that "its a test" or "God would not give you more than you can bear". Soon after this, I proclaimed that "God is Dead", and walked away for years.

From a therapy point of view, the enduring legacy of my little "adventure" is all of the anger that remains. I am still angry at all the players in that scenario: myself for not "breaking rank" and pushing for medical help, the church and all its members for their arrogance, my family for their continued denial, and God (last but not least). In the end, for all of my crying out, all I got was a voice telling me I'm "better off dead".

I think in the end, my question is "What does this universe honestly expect from me?"

[aeylania]

I don't know what the universe is expecting from you, but a question I have is what do you expect from yourself? Do you expect yourself to work through your very legitimate anger (I would be furious if it were me) or do you expect to give up and let the voice (and all those people who stood by and basically did nothing productive to help you) win? Do you expect yourself to strive to overcome your past and make yourself into a person you can be proud of?

This forum has been a great place for me to find support when facing my own inner demons. Your story is a tragic one, but unfortunately it happens all too often. My best friend struggled with a similar scenario, and to some extent her parents still don't get it, even though she is now an adult. Living in the bible belt, I deal with plenty of people who don't believe in medication, but only God's love and healing. I won't get into what I think of that, but I know without my medication and therapy I wouldn't be alive today.

Do you have a therapist that you could talk to about this? It sounds like you need someone that could help you work through your anger and pain, and find some peace.

I hope you find what you need here. Blessings, and good luck.

[OneDown]

Thanks aeylania, I am currently working through this (and a lot else) with my therapist and my PDoc. It really is amazing how much the past (especially childhood) can impact the rest of your life.

[aeylania]

It really is. I'm working really hard to let go of my childhood and leave the past where it belongs, but its a daily struggle. On the other hand, what I went through as a kid and a teenager made me who I am today.

OneDown: I know exactly what you are talking about. While, thankfully, I never had to be in the presence of hyperreligiousity; I have always been surrounded by people too caught up in their own dysfunctions in order to properly help me through my struggles. Even though I've been "loyal to a fault" from the day I was born, no one could give me the time of day to recognize that I was spiralling & get me the help I need.
My mother was histrionic & BPII, so if it wasn't all about her, it wasn't a big deal. My sister is BPII & (I suspect) BPD, so even though I helped her through everything, she made up reasons not to trust me enough to help me. And I've never kept many friends, but my "best friend" of 10 years was a very abusive personality... While I have NPD with many antisocial features, I've never been as manipulative or disgusting of a person as she is. She basically used the disorders I had told her about in confidence to make me appear as a worse person than she is.
So... You can only imagine that I haven't had much support, myself. But you have to first & foremost trust yourself. No one is going to pick up all of the pieces once you fall or self destruct.
And honestly, I think I'd rather self destruct alone than be surrounded by people who are only going to facilitate it. I would rather face my "demons" than be one of those people out there who can't get their heads out of their asses long enough to see that they have real problems. It sickens me that there are people out there who are worried about what pair of shoes to buy or how the world perceives them when there are people like us out there with serious problems that people couldn't give a **** about.
Sorry about my rant. I figured I would just shed a little bit of my perspective & my point of view on the matter... I just think, though the universe seems at odds with you, you are genuinely blessed by having a perspective that will actually mean something in the long run. Once you get yourself stable, at least you will say you are much stronger than most people, because most NT people would never be able to cope with what we go through daily.
Hugs!

[kaliope]

onedown
f*** the universe! I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. there were 8 of us and over half the family now has severe mental health diagnoses. i have bipolar and ptsd from living in that environment. my voices told me for many years that i was worthless and deserved to die. that was the mantra. i thought that god hated me. why else would he make me to suffer so much. the billy joel song, only the good die young made a big impression on me. i didnt die young, so i must not be good. i worked so hard and prayed to get better to no avail. god, the universe, the plan was for me to live a painful suffering life, well thats wrong acutally, the message after all was to teach me i was worthless and deserved to die. so i ended up taking my life into my own hands, threw out that "purpose" for me. no more god, no more universe. my life was in my own hands. broke down and got on meds, therapy.

its been a long journey. there have been nervous breakdowns, suicidal depressions, 2 hospitalizations, but a pdoc finally found the right med for me. i go to therapy every two weeks. i disowned my family. the voices are gone from my head. i got my degree and have a career. i am functioning beautifully. no more cycling. i never dreamed life could be so stable. im still mad at god and the universe. will work that out in time maybe. and i am doing well. its really possible. i dont believe in any grand plan anymore besides me living every day to the best of my ability.

there is hope onedown. im really living it.

[OneDown]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I guess I'm really stuck at a crossroads between these past issues, my continuing cycling into depression, and my wife's growing desire to start a family (see my other post). There is a big part of me that just wants to let go of everything and just let the depression and the cycles "wash over me and take me away". I think part of me just wants the rest of me to believe that there is no point in going on and that maybe shutting down and fully dissociating (or worse) is the best I could hope for.