[catrules]

I was diagnosed BP II a little over 2 years ago, and have not been working since then. I have worked my whole life prior to this, and I feel badly about not working for so long. Work is part of the way that I have defined my life.

I am just so up and down, and very often down, and I cannot hardly think about being accountable to a job on a daily basis. So part of me wants to work again while the rational part knows that it is probably not feasible. At least not the work that I was doing before.

Has anyone else dealt with this, and where did your journey take you. I feel like I should be better now, I've had my "vacation" and it is time to be a productive member of society again. Right now I am feeling pretty useless.

catrules! Though I've got a different situation, your post really struck a chord with me in struggling over the work thing. Hope others have better thoughts to share, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the work dilemma.

(Btw, Echo and the Bunnymen! Excellent musical taste. )

[Phoenix_1]

I hear you catrules. I feel the same way.

I've had 12 jobs in the last 4 years, and was fired from the last 2. Since I was diagnosed in June, I've been trying to come to terms with this diagnosis - BP II. It really explains a lot. The thing is, even though I want to go back to work, I'm afraid to go back. I'm afraid I'll get fired or mess up again. I don't think I can ever do accounting again. I only have employment insurance for a year (9 months left) then it's up to me to put food on the table. Either that or go on social assistance. I've scared of what the future holds. At my age I ("should") own my own house and car and be ready to retire. Oh no, I had to go and ruin that, sold my acreage, declared bankruptcy 6 years ago, and got my car repossessed. No house or car or nice retirement for me. Where do I go from here? And how do I know which way to go and how to get there?

My pdoc and T think I should go right back to work same as before. I don't think so. And same as before was getting fired or quitting every 3-6 months, and getting a new job.

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by Phoenix_1

I hear you catrules. I feel the same way.

I've had 12 jobs in the last 4 years, and was fired from the last 2. Since I was diagnosed in June, I've been trying to come to terms with this diagnosis - BP II. It really explains a lot. The thing is, even though I want to go back to work, I'm afraid to go back. I'm afraid I'll get fired or mess up again. I don't think I can ever do accounting again. I only have employment insurance for a year (9 months left) then it's up to me to put food on the table. Either that or go on social assistance. I've scared of what the future holds. At my age I ("should") own my own house and car and be ready to retire. Oh no, I had to go and ruin that, sold my acreage, declared bankruptcy 6 years ago, and got my car repossessed. No house or car or nice retirement for me. Where do I go from here? And how do I know which way to go and how to get there?

My pdoc and T think I should go right back to work same as before. I don't think so. And same as before was getting fired or quitting every 3-6 months, and getting a new job.

I see your from Canada too i'm just wondering if you have looked into AISH at all...i'm also from canada and wondering if it's even something i should try to consider. Same kinda boat as you, not stable enough to work but working anyways out of desperation i suppose...

[Phoenix_1]

As far as I know AISH is only in Alberta. I don't know how hard/easy it is to get - I have no idea. I applied for CPP disability 3 years ago and was turned down flat, even when I appealed. My friends told me to apply again, but I feel like what's the use of filling out all those forms when they'll probably turn me down again. Now if I had a PHYSICAL disability, I would have been spending that money for the past 3 years.

[Ryask]

well thats disheartening...it's a shame CPP is so tough to get i know AISH is supposed to be harder then CPP...but really..it's not like i want to sit home and do nothing..i mean..i just can't mentally do it..working is tough when you have so much on your plate already.

[aeylania]

I quit/got fired for not showing up my last job due to my BP and migraines making it difficult to go to work. My tdoc suggested I go to college and take out student loans to live on. I went with it, and have never been happier. I'm working towards a degree that excites me and somehow going to school every day doesn't feel like a commitment, but a promise to myself. College isn't the solution for everyone though, especially those lucky people that have degrees already.

That being said, I don't think I could handle a real job right now. I write articles for an online company that pays me per article, and I can set my own hours as long as I keep up with deadlines, and even that is stressful sometimes.

I would focus on you right now, focus on getting to be as stable and secure in yourself as possible before tackling a job, because if you jump into something you're not ready for, it might overwhelm you and actually set back your recovery. If you feel useless, you might consider volunteering with a local charity. No commitments there, and you'd be giving back to your community.

Above all else, remember that you're not useless! Right now you're dealing with a serious illness, and every day that you work towards becoming stable and gaining back your confidence is another step towards re-entering the work force.

Wishing you the best,
Aeylania

[catrules]

I also write for an online company although I don't have any jobs at the moment. It is nice to be able to set my own hours.

[dragonfly2]

Have you considered applying for Social Security Disability? It's not a handout - it's an insurance system that you have most likely paid into throughout your working years. And just because someone gets disability does not mean they will never work again. The government has a very elaborate incentive plan to help you get back to work when you are ready. But if you truly do not feel well enough to work, and it sounds like you do, then this would be a good option to look into. If you can document that your disability began two years ago, and you haven't worked since, you may be eligible for back payments back to that time. Talk to your doctor. You've got nothing to lose by applying.

[BlackPup]

I don't think I would have been able to get through the last few years and get to where I am without my hubby's insistance that I would get better and be able to work again. I start work in 2 weeks, I'm scared but excited. His confidence in me has made a huge difference to how I feel about myself.

[BNLsMOM]

catrules, I am going through the same thing right now. I want to work but I am not sure I am ready yet. I talked to my therapist about it today.

[UpInTheTrees]

Hi,
I feel very similar to how you feel. I would like to have a job, yet I feel like I am not ready. I think it is linked to disappointment. I feel I am not allowing myself to try and see how it goes... fear of disappointment or failure. I have had jobs before and a good track record. I was fired from one due to having a manic episode; it still haunts me from time to time. I think it is good to try something especially if you always had or relied on a job. It can be part time entry level position with the least responsibility. If you are a people person I'd recommend a job in the hospitality field, like a front desk clerk, flexible hours, decent pay, nice people. Find a place you are comfortable with; people you like and that care for you. Boutique hotels or small properties are better for this. Thats my hotel pitch, haha.

I would like you to know that this a process that may have it's disappointing parts, it might be the reason for your hesitation. I think inside, you want to try it, but the bipolar and uncertainty with personal confidence might have been hindered with your experience. I am having the same dilema that is affecting different layers of my life.
I think it is good your talking about it; especially here. We can all self reflect on that and the struggle, your not alone.

I would try to avoid the shoulda, woulda, coulda; I struggle with this too, I think its all tied to feelings of uncertain or comfort about rebounding or getting back into the thick of it. Be lighter on yourself. Try baby steps, reach out to others at your pace, you can not always do it alone. Be aware of your hesitations and try to work on it slowly, eventually I think you'll fine you way back into the mix of it. =)

Best of Luck

[catrules]

I am currently on disability. I guess I did not make that clear. But that makes me feel bad as well. I know that it's not a handout, but I guess that I feel ashamed or something.

[OneDown]

Catrules,
Don't feel bad about accepting disability; it exists for precisely this purpose. I'm also a Type II, and working while going through a depressive cycle is painful, to say the least. Discussing with your TDoc some possible options for re-entering the workforce is another valid approach. It can be done, but give yourself time and space to stabilize first since, in my experience, stress can trigger more depressive episodes.

[dragonfly2]

That's good that you were able to go on disability. I know how you feel. I am also on disability. Actually, this is my second time on it. I was first declared disabled by SS in 2000, but then felt able to go back to work in 2003. I worked full time for seven years, with some bumps along the way (two hospitalizations and a few other episodes here and there), but then I became very sick again last summer. It was a hard decision, but my husband and I decided that the best, and most responsible course of action was to go back on disability. Even though it had been six years since I was last eligible for benefits, I was still in a grace period and the reinstatement process wasn't difficult.

So, maybe it is time to try to make some small steps back into the workforce, knowing you have the umbrella of SSDI if things don't work out right away. Under the Ticket to Work program, you can earn as much as you want for the first nine months (I think?) without jeopardizing your benefits. If you earn less than their monthly threshold (almost $1000 a month now), then you can work as many months as you want without them stopping your benefits. Knowing you have the SSDI makes it a different situation and gives you a nice safety net, and, I think, reduces some of the pressure of "needing" to work for financial reasons.

Sorry if I'm repeating what you may already know about the SS work program. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[catrules]

Thank you for the info. I was not sure how the ticket to work program operated.

[UpInTheTrees]

Hi Catrules,
I am on disability also. I feel bad about it sometimes, yet I do use it for what it is intended for; wellness and mental health. I use it to pay for the doctors visits, medication, transportation, gym, healthy foods, stuff like that. I see as the government wants to help you get back on your feet and stay well. Eventually I hope to give back in someway, volunteer or help others that struggle with bi-polar. Prehaps create some positive awareness in the future. I do volunteer now helping persons with physical disabilities get back into sailing with this non-profit. It is rewarding as I reflect and I think it helps procure positive energy and good karma. I appreciate the US government for helping like this, and I hope I can help them back in some way.

[allme]

Originally Posted by catrules

I am currently on disability. I guess I did not make that clear. But that makes me feel bad as well. I know that it's not a handout, but I guess that I feel ashamed or something.

Hey, you have nothing to feel ashamed of! Dont be so hard on yourself! You will get back to work when you are ready and not before that! I am also out of work for the same reson and yes I would love to have the routine of work and the self worth and all that that comes with it....but not before I am ready! There is no point as if I did force myself back to work out of 'shame' or 'guilt' it wouldnt last long and wouldnt be productive. In your own time my friend.

[catrules]

Yeah, this week is teaching me that I am probably not ready yet. I have been so tired that I can not get motivated for anything. It's a chore to put one foot in front of the other.

[redtape]

Originally Posted by catrules

I was diagnosed BP II a little over 2 years ago, and have not been working since then. I have worked my whole life prior to this, and I feel badly about not working for so long. Work is part of the way that I have defined my life.

I am just so up and down, and very often down, and I cannot hardly think about being accountable to a job on a daily basis. So part of me wants to work again while the rational part knows that it is probably not feasible. At least not the work that I was doing before.

Has anyone else dealt with this, and where did your journey take you. I feel like I should be better now, I've had my "vacation" and it is time to be a productive member of society again. Right now I am feeling pretty useless.

Absof.....lutely I know how you feel! I worked for 30 years, 22 of that in a factory. I was good at what I did damn it. I had a severe manic episode that changed my whole life forever. Got in trouble with the law, spent 3 years in various levels in the system and I still have 4 years left on a kind of a mental health probation. I know in my case I don't feel guilty for the SSD and medicare I will be getting soon. I put into the system. People told me I couldn't do what I did. So I feel good on what I have accomplished. On the other hand I need to find another purpose. I worked paid my child support and now feel kind of empty inside. My son is 23 and he is one of very few people who have been there for me. So I am also looking for away to contribute be it with working again or just volunteering. I rattled off this reply in record time...It really struck a nerve! Your not alone in your feelings. Best of luck finding your way.