Anxiety about Depression

This is really weird. I have had two good night sleeps in the last year, and both were after I had really long hard cries, about some very real situations. I feel like I am buzzing after a normal day, and my brain is wired.

I had thought it was hypomania, but I realized it is a fear that if I let go of being hypomanic, I will get depressed. I cannot seem to find the balance between being hypomanic and being depressed. Depression was my life for so many years, I don't want to ever go back to that place. Now I am anxious even about the thought of it.

Is anyone else anxious about another depressive episode? Or even anxious about another hypomanic or manic episode?

To an extent. But it sounds like you have psychological issues with accepting your diagnosis. And arguably don't know how to handle your emotions surrounding BP.
And it doesn't sound like your meds are keeping you stable. You can be a lot more level-speak to your pdoc and be honest about what you feel, and make sure to get into therapy if you aren't already.
Sorry things are tough xx

I am very anxious about how this winter will go. This summer has gone so well. Got a new job, met a lot of new people, got to do a lot of farm work and gardening, got a new gun and a motorcycle.
But last winter was so dark. I lost all motivation, interest in my relationship and even in sex. What 23 year old male would ever turn down sex from a girl he loves even when she begs for it for Christ's sake! Didn't even want to get out of bed to work or go hunting (my #1 passion in life).
I dread going back there with every part of my being. But I know if everything stays on schedule, as the days grow shorter my mood will decrease and I'll end up as dreary as the bland winter days. I pray to God for a change of pace this year.

I had a bad mixed episode in the beginning of the year. From that I lost some of my ability to remember things...it was a big difference from before and afterwards to me. Since then I haven't been able to stabilize. I spend a couple weeks up then a couple weeks down. While it is getting better I am scared to death that I am going to have another episode like I did in the beginning of the year and lose even more of my memory. Mid to late fall is a trigger for me and I normally have mixed episodes when I have them. Prior to this they were about 4 years apart and they didn't take that long to stabilize afterwards except for when I found out I also had ADHD also, but even then once that was treated it didn't take that long for me to stabilize. So knowing that I am not stable yet and fall is approaching is making me anxious, more so then in the past. The possible consequences from an episode scare me more now then they did before.

Sophia, I'm the same. That if I stop running the depression will 'get me' and then everything will just 'stop'. But I agree with sugahorse. I hadn't thought about it as an issue of not accepting the diagnosis before, but I think what she said rings true for me.
I also think that after talking to your doctor and therapist (or after you find one if you haven't already) you must let go of that fear. It's exactly what burns one out...Fear and this kind of blind control (if that makes sense) - like holding on a lot more tightly than you need to. It's not easy and it can't happen from one moment to the next - I think someone had been trying to explain this to me about a year ago and it is only this summer that I began to understand because I got way too tired to keep going as I was. So I had to let go (with my flatmate being away, without a therapist and with moving to a different city on the horizon) and it wasn't exactly pleasant - but now I know what I need to do to deal with BP as best as possible (and actually experience the good days). I'm not there yet but I'm definitely less scared about the future...(now that I fully realised how terrified I was in the past and why...)

I hope all this makes sense...
Take care

Sophia, I know you are unmedicated. Do you think it's time to go back on some of the meds., even for a little while? I DO NOT want you to go into a depression. I know, like me, you are hypo or manic most of the time, and there is a great fear that goes with it that you will crash and burn.

You have so much going on in your life right now, and I think if you are put back on some meds., even for a little while while all this **** is happening to you, it would be the best thing. I honestly do.

Btw, it is good to hear that you are accepting the fact that you have BP disorder, and are experiencing the real feelings and emotions that go along with it. Please go to your pdoc while you are going through all this ****, and get put on meds. so you will not have to be so anxious about going into a deep depression. I would absolutely hate it if you go into a depression.

Btw, I look up to you in how you deal with life situations and you always have my back and I love you for it.

I wish there were a med I could take that wouldn't damage my liver or my kidneys or trigger my Sjogren's syndrome (worse dry mouth than normal) or make me exhausted or stupid. I need my mind clear to go to school.

I think I am in denial about my bp, and just under too much stress. I was actually calmer before school started. I don't want to be like this. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I've tried everything but Abilify, and the first thing it said in the compendium was "affects body temperature - causes swings." I am so bad with my autoimmune diseases already, I cannot imagine getting worse. I'm really good on my new RA med compared to before.

So I can't imagine which drug I could take that wouldn't affect my damaged organs or mind. And neither can my pdoc, who just keeps on watching me and worrying. I think I am not as bad as many, esp. since I got through menopause, but I guess that is part of who I am.

Thanks to everyone for their answers and suggestions.

I am so sorry Sophia... I really want things to go better for you, especially since you have to deal with school on top of it! I'll admit though: I am deathly afraid of depression.
A lot of my anxiety surrounding it has to do with my self-esteem & the essence of who I am as a person. My self-confidence is usually very high (always has been) & I really cannot bear when it plummets for a nonsensical reason. I feel weak, which spirals it down further into the point of no return. And on top of that, I'm also a very optimistic "go getter" type of person. I'm very motivated, love getting things done, & have the assurance that everything will always go as planned. So when it strikes... My brain really can't comprehend the shift from day to night.
At the same time, severe mania also scares me because I know how out of control I can get. I've never been able to resist my temptations, so when a bad idea is appealing to me (or a train of thought), my mind does not help but to entertain it until it is carried out. It drives me insane.