[Capriciousness]

I feel like I used to be this deep, moody, interesting girl. Even in my depressions I was longing, searching, obsessing. Inspired by ideas and truths and feelings. I just remember this mystical magical sense, quality. my reflection in the mirror glowing in candle light, the way my hair felt in my fingers, rain drops running across a car window. what felt like hours and hours of thought. amazing, deep, soul stirring thought that would entertain me forever. i was excited by books, movies, ideas. my mind was always going even when i was down. chakras, astrology, estoteric science, the mystical ideas of life. i was open and connected. bursting into tears in the bathroom because the tag in my underwear said made in indonesia, having nightmares about a movie i saw in women's studies, writing letters to the dining hall.

i feel like a shell of that girl. i feel like all of that confusing but wonderful magic and thought has totally dried up. I feel like all of the spirit is gone and just the neurosis remains. The poetry, the painting, the deep thoughts are gone and what is left is just mental illness.

i don't know how to be deep anymore. i'm not inspired to do anything, read anything, be or become anything. i'm not inspired by anything.

i remember being dragged around by my moods but i felt more in ownership of it. it was my craziness, my moodiness. it was who i was and i didn't apologize for it. i had no real responsibilities so i had the luxury of indulging myself in whatever mood i happened to be in.

there was such longing. it was like i needed answers or something. or maybe distraction from my craziness. i was longing. searching.

i thought i had found all my answers when i got married, and then had my baby. life was sweet. perfect. a dream come true. i was contented and calm and genuinely happy.

two years later my brain was blasted with a mixed episode the likes of which i had never experienced. nothing has been the same since. that moody magical girl is gone, the contented wife and mother is gone.

now i feel like a walking mental illness. depressed most of the time. depressed with no depth, no searching. my spirituality is totally gone.

i just watch tv.

i wonder if i still have any magic left anywhere in me. i'd like to think there was some hidden somewhere. i'd like to think i'd be happier if i connected in some way to spiritual ideas or something again. i don't know how to. i don't know where to start. i feel like it is gone.

of course maybe i wasn't magic. maybe i was just mentally ill and dealing with it the best i could. maybe all that thought and searching was just me coping. it isn't like all of that stuff really made me happy. it just made me a little less restless. it just distracted me.

i just feel like nothing now. i don't know where i've gone or who i am.

people always talk about all of the good things about people with bipolar. that we experience the world differently and can create things and all this stuff like that. but what if you don't do anything with it. then what. then it is just all the bad things about being bipolar. what is the point?

i used to be creative and interesting and restless and driven and excitable and obsessive and wide open and passionate.

now what? nothing.

i'm not even that depressed right now.

[alwaysrejoice]

Ya when i look at my past I see a girl who was depressed but it was only one part of her. Now it seems to be the only part. Im in the middle of a bad place right now. I do have hope that there is an answer out there. I keep searching...

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I feel like I used to be this deep, moody, interesting girl. Even in my depressions I was longing, searching, obsessing. Inspired by ideas and truths and feelings. I just remember this mystical magical sense, quality. my reflection in the mirror glowing in candle light, the way my hair felt in my fingers, rain drops running across a car window. what felt like hours and hours of thought. amazing, deep, soul stirring thought that would entertain me forever. i was excited by books, movies, ideas. my mind was always going even when i was down. chakras, astrology, estoteric science, the mystical ideas of life. i was open and connected. bursting into tears in the bathroom because the tag in my underwear said made in indonesia, having nightmares about a movie i saw in women's studies, writing letters to the dining hall.

i feel like a shell of that girl. i feel like all of that confusing but wonderful magic and thought has totally dried up. I feel like all of the spirit is gone and just the neurosis remains. The poetry, the painting, the deep thoughts are gone and what is left is just mental illness.

i don't know how to be deep anymore. i'm not inspired to do anything, read anything, be or become anything. i'm not inspired by anything.

i remember being dragged around by my moods but i felt more in ownership of it. it was my craziness, my moodiness. it was who i was and i didn't apologize for it. i had no real responsibilities so i had the luxury of indulging myself in whatever mood i happened to be in.

there was such longing. it was like i needed answers or something. or maybe distraction from my craziness. i was longing. searching.

i thought i had found all my answers when i got married, and then had my baby. life was sweet. perfect. a dream come true. i was contented and calm and genuinely happy.

two years later my brain was blasted with a mixed episode the likes of which i had never experienced. nothing has been the same since. that moody magical girl is gone, the contented wife and mother is gone.

now i feel like a walking mental illness. depressed most of the time. depressed with no depth, no searching. my spirituality is totally gone.

i just watch tv.

i wonder if i still have any magic left anywhere in me. i'd like to think there was some hidden somewhere. i'd like to think i'd be happier if i connected in some way to spiritual ideas or something again. i don't know how to. i don't know where to start. i feel like it is gone.

of course maybe i wasn't magic. maybe i was just mentally ill and dealing with it the best i could. maybe all that thought and searching was just me coping. it isn't like all of that stuff really made me happy. it just made me a little less restless. it just distracted me.

i just feel like nothing now. i don't know where i've gone or who i am.

people always talk about all of the good things about people with bipolar. that we experience the world differently and can create things and all this stuff like that. but what if you don't do anything with it. then what. then it is just all the bad things about being bipolar. what is the point?

i used to be creative and interesting and restless and driven and excitable and obsessive and wide open and passionate.

now what? nothing.

i'm not even that depressed right now.

I am almost in tears because you just described who I used to be and who I have become. I wish I knew how to make it better.

[venusss]

I have not much to say now, because this honestly scares me. One of my numerous fears is to lose myself, what makes me.

[Secretum]

Capriciousness, I don't think all of you is gone. I think that there still is a spark left. I think you can recover the rest of it.

I recommend that you read...and read...and then read some more. Read "everything you can get your hands on" until you find a topic or issue that really interests or inspires you. Then, read more about that.

If you live near a university or community college, see if you can enroll in a philosophy class. I find that my depth is best rediscovered and let out in philosophy. In class, you'll be forced to confront big issues, and you might find that that intriguing moody girl that you were in the early course of your illness suddenly wants to come back because she has a lot to say.

You should also try to pursue a creative endeavor. Take music lessons, learn to knit, write fictional stories...

All while being gentle with yourself so that you don't get burnt out! It's a tough balance, a delicate one, and not an easy thing to do at all. I'm currently dealing with a similar problem, and it is so much easier to know what I ought to be doing than it is to do it. But I'd like to believe that we will succeed because we need to. Our true existence depends on this. We won't give up.

Good luck.

[Capriciousness]

Thank you all for your replies.

I want to dig out some of the old me.

What should I read??????

[Detach]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Thank you all for your replies.

I want to dig out some of the old me.

What should I read??????

"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

[Justme_55]

I can completely relate however I do personally believe the earths energy, you're sign and current astrological aligment can influence the magic in a way. As hard as it is you have to make yourself do the everyday things, start little, something small, turn off the t.v. Listen to music & clean or read a book. Go for a walk in the park and take a disposable camera; get it developed 1 hour and read the crappy tabloids. Get ready for the day and take extra long to get ready, clean out that crowded area, or do nothing and recharge by
making yourself relax. It is hard but I promise it can be done if you put you're best foot
forward. The days you feel like hanging you're head, pick it up and call a friend.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by dijmart

"The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

I read that. I guess I could read it again. See if it inspires me like it did before.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I read that. I guess I could read it again. See if it inspires me like it did before.

Yes, re-reading will refresh your memory. Also, he wrote "A New Earth" after the PON. It's harder reading, but worth it. I just re-read PON and am now re-reading "new earth".