[Cocopops123]

I've always been a little different. Although it has never caused me much grief in the outside world (never was bullied, had plenty of friends, and always seemed to be apart of the so called popular group) I have always had odd moments that have left me second guessing my life, self and everything. You always hear the saying "I can be surrounded by people and feel alone" this is not the case with myself. It's when I'm actually "alone" that I start to feel depressed, odd, tired and I start think about so much screwed up stuff. I don't know what my problem is. I have a great life and love it but when I'm suddenly alone or doing nothing I start thinking weird things or try and come up with things to do that usually involve going out, smoking weed or other recreational activities. Why do I feel so unhappy when I am alone?. Is it because I'm trying to hide something from myself? I have other issues such as being unsure off my sexuality, this has ****ed up a few things for me in the past and present. I guess I should mention I was raped when I was in my last year of high school. I did go through a hard time, but after a couple of years I got over it and forgetting about it has helped, this is actually the first time I have mentioned it in a year and the thought off it is numb and I'm actually emotionless towards the subject. I have a constant interest in experimenting with drugs. Drugs intrigue me, I'm not addicted to any drug and apart from weed only try other drugs in the weekend. The idea of LSD, magic mushrooms, DMT, weed and MDMA are my main fascinations. I've never tried heroin and by no means want to try it (I'm not suicidal, and never have been) but I have tried others like meth and whippa once or twice. Why am I so interested in drugs? I own books about drugs/trips/etc and I always think if there was a job where you sampled different psychedelics and wrote about your experiences that it would be my dream job. I'm a bubbly person around people and get along with most people because I enjoy different personalities. When I'm alone to stop myself from being depressed I often read or write stories. Most in which don't make sense to the average human being.
I'm 20 and female, I don't like relationships, I have an emotional relationship and sometimes physical relationship with a girl and a mostly physical but comfortable and happy relationship with a guy. The girl I have been seeing for a year, she has a boyfriend but he doesn't seem to care about our little bit of fun (half the time I don't think she tells him) The guy I have been seeing for a little over a year, I was sexually attracted to him and the relationship started off as casual sex which lead to a connection. We ended up being "in a relationship for 6 months" until I broke it off because of commitment issues. We are still sleeping together and I have a close relationship with him though I can't bring myself to step forward and be "official" again, I hate the idea off "official".

Please anyone help me out?
I don't know why I am the way I am and I always end up on some depression site pleading for an answer.

[Tosspot]

I can't answer why you are the way you are. I'm no psychologist but from what you say its sounds like you may be repressing something, or stuffing something deep down. I used to do a lot of drugs because "i just like them" but I realize now its because i was trying to get out of myself, i couldn't sit with myself comfortably ie being alone, drugs are not only mind-altering but can also be a very social activity. I was raped my sophomore year in high school and i went through a "hard time" as you call it, and thought i was over it. I could talk about it without emotion. Turns out that wasn't really the case, i had just disconnected from self so far but deep down those feelings of anger and hurt were still there and came up eventually about 9 years later. I would suggest a counselor, at least for an eval, i've had one on and off for a few years. Sometimes we just shoot the breeze and sometimes we talk about why i am the way i am. It just helps to have someone in place.

[ladyjrnlist]

Have you tried therapy? It could help.