[Charlie_J]

My dreams are running more and more lately like a soap opera. They’ve always been a little that way, but now they’re more contiguous. Sometimes, it’s even like I never left that other world. Sometimes they’re frightening, but at least I’m alive in them, and the monsters can be defeated. I’m never under threat as consistently and insidiously as I am here. There’s magic and wonder and good company.

I’m awake, but already I want to go back. I hate it here. I wish this was the nightmare.

In other news, I forgot to turn up for two shifts this last week. By that I mean I went back to bed instead of to work, because I completely forgot I’m supposed to go there.

Two suicides in one family of four, ridiculous really. Anyway that door is locked, bolted, padlocked and has a huge chain wrapped around it every time I go there. Can’t follow. No exit. Never, not to my mother.

I can’t go back to bed. I have a doctor’s appointment. Besides I already slept twelve hours. I should stop.

I’m sorry about posting this, but there are things I can’t talk about which are threatening me, my mother, my dogs and our family home. And I’m so tired. I honestly can’t face any more grief. I can’t hurt the only ones left in this world that I love, not even to save them, and I can’t watch while it happens anyway and I’m helpless to stop it.

I can see us all becoming homeless, hungry, cold and dying, while the people who brought us to it laugh in their spite. There’s just no humanity here, and life is… unreasonable. Much more so than any dream my sleeping brain can conjure up.

[roads]

What you post greatly concerns me. These things, which you can't talk about here, sound like things that ought not to be kept secret. Please talk talk with a counselor of some sort. You must not shoulder this alone.

[Charlie_J]

Thank you, Roadrunner. Incidentally, that's my favourite cartoon of all time

These things. I've talked about them wherever I have confidentiality. To my doctor, my psychiatrist, and my community psychiatric nurse. They can't help. They can only help with my mood and medication. At best, they're sympathetic, and at worst it's like I'm speaking a foreign language.

I could really do with a social worker. I did ask my CPN for one, but he just seemed to change the subject. I see him again on Friday, with my mother present. Perhaps if she backs me up, he'll see it's necessary.

[roads]

Good! Please, press for this. Can you discuss it with your mother ahead of time, maybe make a plan?

The urgency came through to me in your brief post. Just make sure you have your CPN's full attention--then present your case.

I'll be thinking about you all.

Charlie J
Don't be sorry about posting!!! These things are worrisome! I'm glad you are able to talk with your team. That's so important even if you feel like you're speaking a foreign language. (Can sooo relate. Though I've never thought of it with such concise phrasing as yours. (It's like living in another reality, and hard to express.)) Very much agree with roadrunner to press your CPN on the social worker, and I'm glad your mother will be along to help. Wishing the very best for you. Will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts, not only for the appt., but for everything.

(P.S....I've always got to set the alarm on my phone to remember to be anywhere. And still sometimes can't remember why on earth it's going off. Sticky note on the phone helps there. It sits next to my head with my meds. Have you tried something like that? Mentioning this because time and place are something I struggle greatly with, and you might find it helpful. Oh, and setting it as soon as possible (ie. not waiting till night). I set it for later in the day stuff too, not just wake up things, making sure it is loud enough. And setting it for two times. A "get ready to go" (or wake up) and an "actually go". Yeah, really, because otherwise I will forget b/w those 2 short times... You well might not need quite so elaborate a ritual(!))

[Charlie_J]

Thanks so much Roadrunner and Innerzone. The appointment with my doctor was good. He let the ten minutes stretch into fifteen, and handed me the tissues. He gave me a letter to help, and upped my Sertraline to 150mg, which I think will help too.

CPN on friday morning, and I'll write down what we need to be concentrating on before he gets here. I'll agree it with my mother over a nice quiet, calm cup of tea.

I'm so grateful for psychcentral, and for all of you guys who are so supportive even though everyone is going through things of their own. I'm so glad I have this place to post in. It's really helped just to say it out loud, as it were. I wasn't entirely convinced that it would. But saying it has made the panic back off a little.

[roads]

I'm glad the appt with your doctor went well. Hope the med adjustment does the job for you.

Keep posting if it helps. Stay strong. We'll all be here for you.

[Charlie_J]

Just a brief update. I appear to have written my CPN off too soon, and today when he met with me and my mother, he helped fashion a part of a statement I need to make and made practical suggestions that really made a difference. Just being less alone is important.

I'm feeling a lot calmer now. Things are looking up.

[BNLsMOM]

I am glad to hear things are better.

Yea, Charlie J! Very glad to hear this!

[roads]

Originally Posted by Charlie_J

Just being less alone is important.

I'm feeling a lot calmer now. Things are looking up.

All right! This is so terrific ... just see what you've done. I am so glad he came thru for you.

Hugs all around!

[Charlie_J]

It's just never over. If anyone is interested in what this is about, check General Mental Health Discussion. I've given up being silent. I don't know what to do. Think I'll go out for a smoke.

[Trippin2.0]

Charlie, I read your thread and would just like to say how sorry I am for what your neighbour and the council is putting you through. It's downright abusive, I can't believe people can be so malicious for no apparant reason. I agree that drawing attention to your predicament is a good idea, that way it's not your word against his but his word against the rest of the neighbourhood. I pray that you find a solution soon...XOXO

[Charlie_J]

Thank you, Trippin...

Woke up this morning all right. Might have had some nightmares, but I'm used to them. I took 200mg of Sertraline last night instead of my usual 150mg, and I might carry on doing that for a couple of weeks.

I see the doctor today, then my CPN tomorrow. I'm a little scared because I've had some really dark thoughts over this past year when I've been stuck in the house, and I've been aware that I can't protect myself and those that I love. Thankfully, those thoughts haven't returned, but I want to be vigilant.

I just need to get through the day to my doctors appointment later. We are going to have lots to talk about. I've got to explain to him all the cholesterol business for a start... *shakes head*

My heart rate has increased. One advantage of hearing it, I suppose.

[Trippin2.0]

I hope your appointment goes well, and please, PLEASE look after your health. XOXO