glue cracks and splits what i thought was holding momentum together

i am new to this site. my hands are black with newsprint as i've been restarting a fire i let go in the wood stove. i broke my calm (was it real?), i curled on the couch covered in a blanket. i buried my body under a stack of blankets on the bed. couch, bed, couch, bed. and the fire died. so cold. i had to get boots on and propel myself out into the snow/rain to let the horses in for the night, and that was the only reason i got up. i haven't done this in a while. i have used constant, grueling, demanding movement and action as a suture. sure, she's fine. she can do anything. mixed with the absence of sleep, circumstances of threat, major depression and rapid cycling, is this:
tears, whether i invite them or not, are on my face, or in the corners of my eyes all day all night. i cry all the time. i am afraid of allowing fear back in. waking dreams are coming back, and i am desperate to attain a thread of understanding from my partner.
i am up all the time, taking care of everything but myself. not entirely, because i am solidly determined to fill my cup up again.
i have not been on my medications for almost a year.
i threw them all out, the millions of them, good riddance.
i sit on the chair for a moment squeezing my head and say, "i am going to lose it, it is coming."
i know i am still in the game.
and i know better than to assume i don't need help. i have walked the isles of so many hospitals. i am afraid...of what has been building, what i've been dealing with, and what i am capable of when black and white are just that. black and white.
thank you for listening.

((((hugs))))

You sound afraid of what may be coming your way. Hang in, try and get the help you might need (and no it doesn't have to be meds)

We're here at PC, Lots of support here. Keep posting.

So sorry you're having a rough time, and i too thru out my meds, so i'm learning new ways to deal. Hang in there, you can do this. Please keep us posted, your wellbeing is important.XOXO

(((((still.in.here.)))))