Emo rant!

I'm PO'd at my brother! I was telling him i miss my bf, but didn't wanna suggest seeing eachother tonight, b/c i'm too scared to hear "i can't" Thing is, i KN0W my bf is uber busy,overworked,underpaid,studying,stressed out and a chronic insomniac. So he's really busy, or really tired. Plus, when he can go out he likes to go out clubbing with his cousins (which is SO not my scene anymore) i'll go once in a while when hypomania's got me good. ANYWAAY... The thing is, my brother made me feel bad, saying bf would see you if he really wanted to! (WTF) He doesn't even know him! And doesn't seem to fathom the nature of our relationship,yet proceeds to pass judgement. And he's not even an effing expert, he's got his 1st ever gf and they're not even a 'real' couple. (something bout her being scared of being vulnerable) argh that's not even the point! The point is, now i'm upset, and CRYING at work coz maybe my bf really doesn't care. What if our relationship is 1 of my delusions, seriously? A 10yr delusion?? What if i'm N0T important to him? I just wanna go home,but it's not even noon. Feel like i'm fighting a mini-meltdown.and it's driving me nuts. I want to tell my manager and co-workers "go eff yourselves" and just go home, and NEVER come back! But guess what? I CAN'T b/c it's my daughter's birthday in a few weeks and i need the money coz her 'father' never bothered learning the definition of the title so she's solely my financial responsibilty and i REFUSE for her to ever feel that BOTH her parents are useless! I feel so all over the place,guess i just want a hug and someone to give me some perspective... Wish i could stop tearing up,it's embarrassing...

I have some money, think i should drink until i can't feel,can't think. Or maybe i should take a sleeping pill or 2 and escape...

Why am I in so much pain?? It HURTS, it hurts like HELL, and i don't even know WHAT hurts, so 'why' is sorta outta the question...

Aww Trippin, I am so sorry you are feeling this way my friend.

I want to send you much love and plenty of hugs.

Just try to ignore you brother because he doesn't seem to have a clue regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. I do know it's so difficult to ignroe things people say to you, but just think to yourself that he doesn't have a clue, and just try not to listen to him.

Thanks for responding hun. I'm trying...

I do know how difficult it is to not listen to a family member.

My mom was always putting things into my head and I got all sorts of paranoid.

I just know how you feel and it really, really sux.

Thanks, it helps to know that someone gets why i'm upset... Just realized that Friday's my new down day, 3rd Friday in a row now... I'm home now,and just wanna cry out all the tears i was trying to suppress all day. But no I can't, my daughter wouldn't like that...

Sweety I'm sure he does care. My boyfriend is too busy with education amongst other stuff to really see me more than once or twice a week. Like you said, he is very busy, and if he doesn't care he wouldn't be in a relationship with you.

Sending you lots of hugs
RB ♥

Trippin, can you go into the bathroom and cry your eyes out?

I don't know how old your daughter is, but you can put the shower on and either cry in the bathroom so she can't hear you.

You really need a release and this is the way to do it.

I do not know how old your daughter is though.

Thanks (((RB))). Sunangel, she's nearly 8, and SO amazingly wonderful. She knows about my bipolar, so that's not why I have to hide. It's just that she prays for my healing every night,and i don't want to discourage her. Which is what happened a few weeks ago. She wanted to know what's the point of praying if i still get 'sick'... Her cousin's distracting her now, maybe i can lock myself up in my room...

Trippin, did you get to release your emotions yet?

My tear ducts are malfunctioning... Feel like i'm about to burst, but the tears refuse to fall. Now YTF couldn't it have malfunctioned at WORK?? Alone in my room chainsmoking and listening to metal...

Are you really angry about something Trippin because I always listen to metal when I am angry. xo

You know SA, I think i am. But i don't know what. Let's see... Maybe i'm angry that my brother is an obnoxious prick who always just disregards my feelings b/c he has a "point". Maybe i'm angry coz what if he's right about my bf? I'm angry and hurt and lonely...

Yeah, I thought you were very angry about what your brother said. So many times when I am angry, I cannot cry and listen to metal.

Idk, but it helps me get my anger out.
xo

And now, to put the EFFING cherry on the cake i miss my dad and eldest brother. The ONLY 2 people who took the time out to understand and comfort me, and they're BOTH gone! NEVER to return. Well now i've gone and done it! Mission accomplished, I'm crying!

Just let it out Trippin. You will feel better after a good cry.

Crying is such an awesome release and I really hope you do feel better after you do so.

Thanks, hun. I cried and screamed and cried some more. And i DO feel better. Thanks for the support today, it was really helpful,and much appreciated.XOXO

Trippin ((((( Hugs )))))

I can seee how you go wound up so easily ( i do it all the time ) Just take a few steps back and breathe .... You are going to be just fine ! Have a good cry or a lil burst of super cleaing usally helps me uinload overwhelming feelings.

Sounds like your brother is just being a tool ,, Ignore the nonsense and know that you are loved very much by your bf ..

Do something Kind for yourself today !!!!!

(((( hugs ))))))