I can't decide

I am trying to figure out if I am depressed or hypo, or just no longer in crisis.

I should probably leave it alone because I am picking at mental scabs. I feel clearer, but I started a new med a month ago, so it could be that starting to work (which is good). I am a little more witty, and I have some irritable energy.

My energy is nil, and I sleep whenever I can. I can feel it turning around a little, though and if I try really hard I can stay up. I'd like to have a hypo time to get me through the holidays, but not if I am going to turn irritable and angry.

I have been volunteering at a cat shelter and today I really didn't want to go. I had a feeling of dread. THE feeling. The one that caused me to quit so many jobs in the past (I lost count around 50). But I went and I was fine while I was there. The great thing is that I work alone, first thing in the morning, just me and the cats. I might even adopt one.

I am working on self esteem issues in therapy and I think it is bringing up a lot about what I really think of my self, cutting through the self deception to try to get me to believe that I am not totally worthless.

I've just had my latest trial med, Lamictal, pulled because it's made me so irritable. So I hear you! Big credit on going to the cat shelter in spite of that feeling of dread. Major victory for you!

If your self-esteem needs reminding, just yell it to drop by here. Any number of us would be happy to report: BLNsMOM's not totally worthless. Not even partly! WooHoo!

My husband is starting to talk about finding someone else to go with him to parties. I can't read his mind of course but I can't help thinking that it is his way to test the idea of him dating others. I am sure people do this within a marriage, but it's not for me.

I am scared and afraid to explore this in couple's therapy. I don't want to get triggered and end up in the hospital again. Wow, I really need some hypomania now. Well, maybe stability would be better.

People may do it. Happily married people? I can't think of a better place to bring it up than in couples therapy.

This wasn't in your marriage vows, was it? Are you sure this is what's on his mind?

No and no. It just triggered my imagination to hear him say that with tears in his eyes.

Oh i feel for u BNLsMom. Sounds to me like he misses you. I have trouble with relationships and men because I like to be alone alot. Hanging out with cats sounds nice, i sometimes prefer their company to people (jk sortof not really lol). hang in there momma, you are a good and special person!

Hi BNLsMOM. Is it possible that you're both? (depressed and anxious). It's so difficult describing interior states even to ourselves. I was dx'ed initially 12 years ago, after quite the troublesome life and took my time (12 years) go getting around to treatment less than 2 months ago. I really identify with the difficulty getting to work, either unable to sleep or fitful sleep but can't get out of bed. Hard time getting to work, I'm proud of you, I've told myself "make yourself do it so many times I'm learning to become deaf to it. At any rate the psychiatrist diagnosed me as a "mixed state" and that might be where you're at. I'm not really psychiatry savvy but, I just know its feels horrible most of the time and barely tolerable the rest of it and going on for nearly 4 months now. Please keep a close eye on yourself and take good care. Good luck to you, you're only as worthy or worthless as you feel on any particular day. Look for the good in yourself, please. I'm drilling down on the self deception too, its pretty difficult to change a lifelone habit. Again good luck & take care.

Are you sure he's serious about that? Maybe it's his way of trying to tell you he's hurt that you can't join him.

I hope you find a way to work out whatever tension is causing this.

It does sound like mixed features. I always hated feeling like that. It was the worst of hypomania and the worst of depression. It was always the most dangerous time for me, so I wouldn't minimize it.

Congrats on the volunteering! And you are totally not worthless.

I imagine that it would matter who he is going with to parties. If it's a male friend or platonic female friend that may be appropriate. I would recommend that you do talk about it at couples therapy though, so you can both explain how you would view it.

I would see it as his dating other people. Usually when people begin dating, it is a platonic relationship and then they grow closer. It is platonic between the two of us lately. I feel like what if he decided that his companion was better than me because she gives him what he is looking for and I don't. I honestly don't know if I could handle that.
I am just overwhelmed. I see my T tomorrow morning.

I think today I am rapid cycling or mixed. This morning was the usual glum mood,and I felt that way through my T appointment and into the afternoon.

This evening I felt better. I took the kids to the shelter to pick out a cat to adopt. It is so hard to decide, they are all so adorable. We are stuck between two but the people at the shelter say that one of them would be happier in our house, so we'll probably choose him.

Right now I feel the depression crawling in and taking its place back from between the lingering strands of my ice cream sundae high.