He's forgotten me

I am not worth anything in ANY currency.
See all these people talking bout blessings, makes me sad, coz what have I done that's SO taboo, that renders me undeserving?
Everytime I crawl out of the abyss of despair, I just get chucked back in. Well in that case, I might as well fudgn STAY HERE!

Ps. Yes, thoughts of suicide swirl round and round my mind at times like these, but I'm too cowardly to carry them out.

END RANT

Trippin,

In my opinion, I don't think anyone who has known you, could actually forget about you. Because you are just unforgetable, and rightfully so. I mean that!!! We don't know each other that well, I couldn't forget meeting you here.

I wish I could pull you out of that damn den and lock the gates you know? It really doesn't seem fair that cookie crumbles so unevenly on the table. You're a beautiful human being! As our friend Roadrunner says "not fair not fair not fair", this is not fair! I don't think you are a coward, not at all. You've gotten off your meds and you've fought for what you want right, not a coward.

I know it's hard to say anything that can be of a ton of help. But I love you, and you have value and currency to me, and to others here, I know that for sure. I wish peace for you with all my heart, you dear friend are worthy of that.

To hell with it. I'm destroying my urge for self-preservation. I might hang around here, might respond, but I'm done with whining.

hee hee hee
Did somebody say Roadrunner?
Trippin, sweetie, people aren't currency. We don't buy & sell each other, not any more, those days are over & I'd rather die before they come back in my world. People are hearts & souls & beliefs & values. People are what makes life worth living, & very rarely a person will sacrifice their life for another--put their life in the way of a killer, a bullet, etc that another might live.

And you are very young, very sweet, & very much cared about around here. all you want. It helps all of us at one time or another!

As for guys who prove fickle, forgetful, less thoughtful than we women wish they were ... Well, from my great 65yr-old mountain of wisdom, thank heaven they do go away to make room for that wonderful, special person who eventually shows up.

I know you want your Soul Mate NOW but for whatever reason your life isn't working that way. Sorry. NorfairNotfairNotfair!!!

You aren't undeserving maybe things aren't so good for you now, but they will get better and I know that lots of people probably say that, but I mean it with all my heart.... No matter what kind of person you are, or what you do, etc. I truely don't believe that you're undeserving so just keep looking up....

Thanks Anika, Roadrunner and Insanity. Not crying so much now, but I probly shouldn't have slashed up my arm. Oh well, what's done is done...
Btw, What I meant by currency, was emotional,physical,spiritual and yes EVEN financial currency... Nobody thinks I'm worth investing in. But yeah, not like I can do anything about it.
Insanity: things do get better, but then something worse than the last time hits me square in the face. I'm tired of it, exhausted really.

I'm sorry things are really difficult right now, Trippin. You are not undeserving. You are worth much more than you know. Hang in there. Things take time. Have you considered getting involved in something in your community? That might sound lame, but for me, community service makes me feel like I'm worth something, because I'm making a difference. Just throwing that out there. I really hope you feel better soon!

I understand how you feel. Life can be very overwhelming and the weight of it can be too much for your shoulders to carry. I know more than once I have felt that I would crumble under the burdens.
I often feel like more bad than good happens to me too.
Try to hang in there. You are worth investing in.

Thanks guys, it's appreciated...

Watched Diary of a mad black woman again at a friends place. And the scene near the end when they're all in church, made me burst into tears. Had to excuse myself... It felt so unfair, how could God favour some and not others? What did I ever do that was so terrible He just ignores me? I'm leaning toward Agnosticsm right now and then if that wasn't bad enough, my mom and brother says the reason nice things don't happen to me is b.c I wallow when something bad happens,and am therefore mostly negative. They say I must be like them and think 'well, that sucks, but I'm not gonna let it get to me' WTF?? They actually BELIEVE our emotions are measured on the same EFFING scale! Argh whatever!!

Yup. That's why I no longer believe in God. I have experienced some pretty bad things and sometimes I am amazed that I have any grip on reality at all.

But for me it was easier to let go of any belief in a higher power that would let anyone suffer through the physical and emotional pain that I have. (and yes, I know there are others who have suffered and who do suffer waaay more than I do).

I have decided that my life just is. I do the best I can with what I have. I plan for the worst and hope for the best. I try not to wallow in self pity, but sometimes that is easier said than done.