My daughter has just started counseling through our child development center. She has started having issues from her past crop up.

A lot of you know that in my marriage there was some severe physical abuse. Once it started it escalated very quickly. The last incident I nearly lost my life. My children were all witnesses. It was absolutely horrific. We fled with a suitcase through different women's shelter to a different province, rebuilt our life and never looked back. My children were 2 and a half, 4 and 5 at the time. They are now 10,11 and 12.

Now that they are getting a bit older they are starting to have some issues. My youngest son doesn't have feelings of remorse or guilt, the school also brought up the possibility of ADD, my oldest who is 12 brought to my attention that at times he feels suicidal. They all deal with bouts of depression from time to time. And then there is the fact that they have a mentally ill mother.

Yesterday I got them all signed up for counseling at the center. I'm very worried for them. They never have talked much about their father. He has been absent in their lives all these years. I just want for them to be healthy and happy. I am scared to death that Bipolar could become an issue for one or more of them too. I don't know if I could forgive myself for that. I'm just very worried for them, Any positive thoughts you could send out to them , I would really appreciate. They have always been such great kids, never have given me any real trouble.

Right now I'm just looking for my inner strength, hoping this is not the time for Bipolar to rear it's ugly head, stress is a key trigger for me. It also brings up a lot of PTSD symptoms, nightmares, flashbacks, checking my locks ect.

I wish kids came with a guide, but they don't. I just hope I find the wisdom on how to get them through this effectively. Anyways, just a check in I guess of where I am at right now.

Edit: they brought up the possibility of ADD, he is very bright, but his lack of focus and attention has always been an issue, not the remorse or guilt thing. I didn't make that too clear. And with my oldest son and thoughts of sui, well that is any mother's worst nightmare.

[jaxter23]

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. You can't blame yourself for any of it! Your kids love you and they will love you even more for looking out for them and getting them help early on! I speak from experience that its often hard to have a parent with either a mental or physical illness, but as long as you try and you love them, then they will always love you no matter what. I think its great that you have started to take them to counseling! I think that it will really help them! I also think its really important that you try and find something that they absolutely love! Something that is unique to them and try to support that. For me it was always basketball and animals. I wasn't allowed to have any pets growing up so my parents tried to take me to the local animal shelter every few weeks because they knew it made me smile to help out and play with the animals. They also tried to make it a point to come to my basketball games and if they couldn't for any reason they always asked about it. Just try to be supportive as much as you can and really listen to your children. I don't know if any of that helps, but from a child's point of view i think that would really help them out!

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by jaxter23

I also think its really important that you try and find something that they absolutely love! Something that is unique to them and try to support that.

I agree, this is a great strategy. For me, it was art supplies and science kits. For my brother, it was piano lessons (and eventually his own 2nd-hand piano after years of diligence) and bowhunting with grandpa. For my youngest brother, it was costume pieces and Halloween makeup - he was a total ham!

I remember that we never had many gifts under our tree or at birthdays, but each one always showed how much mom cared, how well she knew us, how much she thought about us, and how much she supported our individual interests. It was never stuff just for the sake of stuff.

((((Anika))))

I'm so sorry these things are cropping up and getting you down. For what it's worth, my folks had a less-than-amicable divorce when we were 10, 8, and 3 years old. We all had some trouble that led to counseling later on, but my brother and I (youngest unfortunately died as a teen) are both pretty successful and overall well-adjusted adults. My brother does not have any significant issues to my knowledge.

While I'm bipolar, it's not due to childhood trauma - that was just the luck of the draw. I don't resent my parents for the genetic material that made me this way. I love and deeply respect them (especially my mom, who did so much) for caring so much about me and always doing what they believed was in my best interest.

Thank you both,

for my daughter, she makes up her own fundraisers, collecting cans and bottles for the animal shelter, doing web based fundraising for animals, and she is always involved with programs through school such as roots of empathy. Right now she's trying to find a way to impact sweat shops. Last year she had an idea and got the school to set up a donations drive for the families of an apartment fire in our city.

My youngest son, well he works with computer animation, and building small video games. He's pretty good at this stuff, just has a knack and love for it.

My oldest, same, into computer stuff, they even learnt how to set up a server.

They are all very much into art, as am I. They go to a camp at the art centre in the summer. None of them are much into team sports, but they do enjoy biking, skating and tubing at the ski hill, and rollerblading. We got them ski's this year and starting that. My bf works at the ski hill as an IT technician, so yay for discounts. Otherwise it's hard for a single mom to pay for everything.

It's just so worriesome you know. As a parent I think you are always worried about what you are doing. Not to mention guilt. I didn't have the best parent models. I hope the counseling will make a positive impact. There is also a group for kids who have a parent with MI. It's an educational program, I think that might be a good idea too..

[BlueInanna]

((Anika)) You are a good mama. The fact that you are looking for help and advice shows how much you care. I know how hard it is to be single mom. I sometimes feel guilty about who I chose for the children's fathers. But you know how it is at the time you choose your partner, we do the best with what info we have at the time. And we learn from experience. And for the kids' sake we have to focus on the now and on the future.
Don't feel guilty if they develop bp. Please don't do that to yourself. We don't ever want our child to develop something like this. But if they do, you will get them the help they need and your love will help them get through, and you can advocate for them at the school if it begins to affect their performance or self-esteem.
I wish I could go back to when my 16 and 17 year olds were younger. They both have bipolar and it's been such a rough time, a nightmare sometimes. I would make them look me in the eyes, and I would say, "I love you so much. Do you know how happy I am to be your mommy? Do you know how special and smart you are? No matter what happens we will find a way through it. I believe in you and I love you more than anything!" (that made me cry, i've been wishing I could go back in time a lot lately) And I would hug them until they wriggled out of my grip.

ADD is reversible & is mainly a result of an otherwise intelligent child not being challenged enough. So instead of getting your child medicated, I would see first about finding a more challenging & interesting cirriculum. They all thought I had ADD until they got me into the gifted program. I talked & acted out in class a lot more when I had an intriguing intellectual environment & was surrounded by children with similar interests. Just an idea. : )

As for everything else... I am very sorry you have to go through this. But the fact that you're trying to intervene BEFORE they suffer seriously shows that you are a fantastic mother. You're going to whatever lengths you can to provide for your children's mental care, on top of everything else. I have faith that both you & your kids will be just fine. Everyone has to work through their issues & they are quite lucky to have such a quick intervention. Chances are, this considered, they won't have to have these problems interfere in their lives later. And they will thank you.

[~Christina]

(((((( Anika )))))))) your doing everything you can and doing it well ... Give yourself a GIANT hug .

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

ADD is reversible & is mainly a result of an otherwise intelligent child not being challenged enough. ... They all thought I had ADD until they got me into the gifted program.

I will politely disagree with this point as I've had the opposite experience. I don't mean to discount the opinion or experience, but I think there are two issues being lumped together - intelligence and attentiveness are quite different and don't always co-occur.

I did fine in academic environments that posed no substantial challenges for me, and those included "gifted & talented" programs plus AP and college courses in high school. This was because my ADD issues did not get in the way of doing work that was easy for me, but I did have to work very hard to keep my classroom behavior as appropriate as possible (more common among girls than boys.) When I was in a more demanding and less structured environment, I had substantial problems due to my inattentiveness and being easily distracted in shared work environments (dorms, offices.) That issue is almost entirely remedied by ADD meds and I now do very well in my work. I don't believe ADD to be reversible, but symptoms can be improved.

It is definitely true, as Shayatanica pointed out, that smart kids who don't have enough to keep their minds busy tend to cause trouble and do not always pay much attention in class. I definitely did that too! I usually suggest that professional evaluation is a good idea if academic performance is suffering and other ADD symptoms are present. Even if that were the diagnosis, meds aren't the only option and there are some great learning and behavioral strategies that can make a big difference whether or not ADD is the issue.

Animaniac has corrected my overly limited discussion on the ADD subject, haha. I definitely agree with you. But I, & correct me if I'm judgemental or wrong, believe that about half of people diagnosed with ADD just suffer from some sort of "nurture" factor that contributed to an inability to keep attention. Whether it be school or some other issue. Or even headaches or undiagnosed eye problems. : )

[bluemountains]

(((Anika)))
What a great mother you are to be so dedicated to the good health of your children!
Two of my four children have mood disorders, (adhd, bipolar). They are also gifted talented wonderful kids. We go to therapy, take our meds, and visit the pdoc occasionally for adjustments. All is well.
In my case, I did suffer childhood abuse; however, my children have not experienced any of this-they are in a two-parent stable home. It is just the luck of the gene pool in our case.
Bluemountains

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Animaniac has corrected my overly limited discussion on the ADD subject, haha. I definitely agree with you. But I, & correct me if I'm judgemental or wrong, believe that about half of people diagnosed with ADD just suffer from some sort of "nurture" factor that contributed to an inability to keep attention. Whether it be school or some other issue. Or even headaches or undiagnosed eye problems. : )

You know, it's not really well known as to the degree of over-diagnosis. What's known is that it seems to be true that it's happening at ever higher rates.

There can certainly be nurture factors - whether an individual has learned any self-discipline, for example, or socialization to appropriate behavior. There can also be related health issues, e.g., bipolar can produce ADD-like symptoms, which is why they are extra-careful about co-dx'ing those conditions because stimulants could set a bipolar person off into mania - but at the same time, MDD + ADHD dx's are not infrequently an incorrect initial dx for bipolar people (like me.)

The one that really gets me and I think is a bigger issue than anyone wants to admit is what I can only conclude is ignorant parenting. I see way too many (first-time, I assume) parents over on the ADD/ADHD forums asking if their 2, 3, or 4yo kid might have ADHD, but describe absolutely typical toddler/pre-schooler behavior! I don't know if there are age-based diagnostic guidelines, but IMO no one should be diagnosing ADHD before kindergarten or 1st grade when their behavior can be properly put into context. Let kids be kids, for cryin' out loud! When they start having problems in school, then it's time to give it consideration. Stimulants affect little growing brains, so I think they should get all the time they can with a medication-free life to develop as normally as possible.

Another growing issue is adults - mostly young adults - faking it to get stimulants as performance enhancers or to sell on the street. That one really pisses me off because they know it's wrong. So I'm also a big advocate of using computer-based testing to help reduce uncertainty and weed out the fakers, but it's not available everywhere.

[Sorry to hijack the thread (or sub-thread), Anika! Hope you don't mind - we can move the conversation if you like. ]

[Lauru]

(((Anika)))

You are such a good mother. None of this is your fault. Bless you for getting your children help. My 3 nephews are all removed from the custody of my sister who is an alcoholic. My mom, their grandma takes care of the oldest two, and the baby is taken care of by his father. The older two, 12 and 14 are suffering, greatly. Some of the same issues as your children. But. They are loved and in a loving environment and that has saved them I believe. That has made all the difference. They know they are loved. Just like your children do. Don't discount the power of your love for them. It means a lot. It means everything

It's quite all right Ani.

I just got home from student led conferences, ummm gee I am in shock!!! My youngest son has barely done any work all year. like almost zero, as I could see from looking through his binders. I asked his teacher and her response was " well he doesn't focus or pay attention, I dunno, he'll probably grow out of. He's smart so I'm not really worried". Okay really? I would think that would be a time you may want to contact the parent and let them in on it. A phone call, note home.. whatever. I AM worried about it, smart or not, what kind of message does that send to the child.

I just do not know. I need to calm down though, so I can think on what to do.

I talked to her yesterday morning, she mentioned ADD, but she didn't mention that he doesn't do any work. She has taught my daughter and oldest son already, so I know her, and she is usually quite strict. I don't get it. The teachers are also on strike here, not doing any extra work or report cards. So I don't know if this is what has lead to the no communication.

Not sure I have anything original to add, but just to echo that you are a great mom, the individual interests encouragement, counseling, great ideas... and to not feel guilty over any BP that might arise. You wouldn't blame yourself for height or eye color or... you get the idea. Genetics are what they are. And, besides, you know and understand about it! How much better than someone who is in denial, overtly hostile or dismissive of these things?! (Too many of us know how that experience is!)

I can relate with some things my son went through. Not sure if he's got BP or not, but ... I won't be surprised. Some things so striking that they came to mind years later when I was dx'd. One particurlarly ironic thing was me -- not infrequently -- saying it was like a roller coaster with him. After my dx, I could never really be sure -- did I perceive him correctly, or was I the only one on the rollercoaster? He's now just shy of the age mine wrecked its first major havoc on my life... and I've suspected for awhile that this will be the timeframe that will really tell. He was dx'd ADD a few years back. Is it one? The other? Both? He knows about my BP and what it looks like up close and personal. We'll see. (Oddly enough, he dx'd me years before I actually was. There was that ad for... Abilify maybe?? with all the wildly different pictures. "That's you.", he said. I denied it, pointing out that I didn't call people at 2 am. Lol. The rest was painfully true. This was years before either of us knew diddly about BP.) Thing is, when we care and show them so, kids really can see "the us" through the messier bits, and see us in a far more forgiving way than we usually can muster for ourselves.

(I can very much relate to that parent-teacher conference. Like that but w/o any concession to smart, and fully loaded with condescension and insults all around. It still upsets me so much. It was everything I could do not to lunge across the desk at her at the time. She couldn't be bothered to p/u a phone till it was past salvaging. Anyhow...before I totally get on a rant... )

Seriously Anika, you are a great mom. You're loving, you care and you show it! You're aware and supportive of their individuality. Important stuff! The most important stuff!

Thank you to Jaxter, BlueInanna, Ani, Morethingswrong, Shay, Bluemoutains, Lauru and IZ!! (((HUGS)))

OK I think everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I panic first and think second, or never. And when I say sometimes, I mean always.

So they will have counseling, we can put more effort into our family night, and one on one time. I can get them to help with some chores, I never do this, and I mean to. I think it's good to have a little bit of responsibility. I let my ocd habits get in the way of that.

I've been looking at sites and books for kids with attention problems. I think I can help him find some strategies that work for him, and maybe I can get his teacher on board with that. Also I did talk to the counselor about his attention problems, so I think I can find some help through the development centre.

I also found some books on mindfulness for kids, wow if I had learned that when I was a kid. Why didn't I think of that sooner.

So now I am just going to take a big sigh of relief and believe that it will work out. Muster up a little faith.

Thank you so much for the show of support, It's hard being a parent, always wondering if you are doing the right thing. Being given these perfectly innocent human beings and then trying not to screw them up, or not too badly anyways.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Anika

Thank you to Jaxter, BlueInanna, Ani, Morethingswrong, Shay, Bluemoutains, Lauru and IZ!! (((HUGS)))

OK I think everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I panic first and think second, or never. And when I say sometimes, I mean always.

So they will have counseling, we can put more effort into our family night, and one on one time. I can get them to help with some chores, I never do this, and I mean to. I think it's good to have a little bit of responsibility. I let my ocd habits get in the way of that.

I've been looking at sites and books for kids with attention problems. I think I can help him find some strategies that work for him, and maybe I can get his teacher on board with that. Also I did talk to the counselor about his attention problems, so I think I can find some help through the development centre.

I also found some books on mindfulness for kids, wow if I had learned that when I was a kid. Why didn't I think of that sooner.

So now I am just going to take a big sigh of relief and believe that it will work out. Muster up a little faith.

Thank you so much for the show of support, It's hard being a parent, always wondering if you are doing the right thing. Being given these perfectly innocent human beings and then trying not to screw them up, or not too badly anyways.

Wow, what a great set of strategies to use! You're such an impressive mom. And besides, these will give you some good projects to keep yourself busy while you work on healing your leg.

[~Christina]

My 20 Year old daughter has been also diagnosed with bipolar ,, do i feel guilt ,,YES .. even tho there was nothing i could do . Im just happy shes being treated now at 20 as opposed to me finally getting some help at age 44 .
Kids are very resiliant and my daughter always tells me how well I raised her and how she admires me ( even tho most days I dont agree )I know shes telling me the truth

Your a gift to your children .. dont forget that