[hanners]

This is something that's been plaguing me for over a decade now...

I'm a web developer, and so I work on a project-by-project basis. When I get new projects, I tend to be really excited about them, and get lots of ideas for features, etc. As I work through the project however, I'll hit a depression, and freak out over it. I get really anxious and start to believe I'm incapable of finishing the project. I've pissed off/lost many clients this way, and now I'm hitting that point again with my current project.

I really want to be able to resolve this, as my current employer is a really great one, and I don't want to have to give this job up, but I'm seriously considering quitting and pursuing disability instead. Has anyone encountered this problem? Do meds help? I'm currently in the process of finding meds that work for me, I'm on lamictal right now, but it doesn't seem to be helping, for the moment.

[Anneinside]

The right meds do help. How much lamictal are you taking? Are you also taking an antidepressant? I take both lamictal and an antidepressant and even when I get depressed it is mild to moderate, not severe any more.

Think carefully about going for disability, especially if you have a good income and a job you usually like. The amount of money you get from disability is most definitely less than you get on most jobs. I know going on disability also affected my self-concept as I felt like a failure and sometimes still do. I hate it when I meet people for the first time... their first question is usually "what do you do?". At first I said I retired but felt bad because I wasn't telling the truth. Now I start talking about the place I volunteer.

[hanners]

Thanks, I'm on 200mg of lamictal right now, and no antidepressant. I'm seeing my pdoc next week, so I'm gonna talk to him about this.

As for disability, I work part time, and make not much more than what I'd be getting on disability. Though you're right, it's a job I (usually, except when depressed) love. And telling people you're on disability can be hard, I know. Sometimes when talking about friends I know who are on disability, I tend to refer to what they do either volunteering, or what personal projects they work on.

Originally Posted by hanners

This is something that's been plaguing me for over a decade now...

Don't be too hard on yourself. Human beings do not actually want to work. They usually find the motivation to work, in my opinion, from a feedback loop that takes place in relative short order. If you're a cashier and someone walks up to the check-out line, you HAVE to help them. It's unavoidable.

Customer walks in -> Sales person helps them
Cable repair guy goes into work -> Dispatch gives him an address to hit
Telemarketer sits at desk -> Slowly contemplates how worthless life is

I think most jobs FORCE you to work. What you do doesn't.

It's all about self-motivation. What helps me is a white board. What also helps me is being extremely thorough in breaking the project down into dozens and dozens of different parts, setting deadlines for each. It also helps if you're prepared with a bunch of questions and topics for clients (I'm a web developer too).

People just assume that you have to do all the work, but get them involved. If they do not want to be involved in the design process for their own site, f*** 'em. Steal their money. LOL With some convincing though, you can get most people on board.

The more you force communication by sending them mock-ups, design elements, progress reports, the more the feedback loop keeps you motivated. Working behind a computer is 100x more difficult because you have to be self-motivated. Don't be hard on yourself, just develop a routine and keep yourself invested in it.

[bipolarmedstudent]

just wanted to say that I struggle with the same thing. *hugs*

[hanners]

I talked to my pdoc today about this issue. We're upping my lamictal to 300mg, and also looking at therapy options - possibly DBT, since I've been through 2 courses of CBT already.

[argv]

Originally Posted by hanners

This is something that's been plaguing me for over a decade now...

I'm a web developer, and so I work on a project-by-project basis. When I get new projects, I tend to be really excited about them, and get lots of ideas for features, etc. As I work through the project however, I'll hit a depression, and freak out over it. I get really anxious and start to believe I'm incapable of finishing the project. I've pissed off/lost many clients this way, and now I'm hitting that point again with my current project.

I really want to be able to resolve this, as my current employer is a really great one, and I don't want to have to give this job up, but I'm seriously considering quitting and pursuing disability instead. Has anyone encountered this problem? Do meds help? I'm currently in the process of finding meds that work for me, I'm on lamictal right now, but it doesn't seem to be helping, for the moment.

Meds!! Especially for a job like that, that requires lots of concentration and organization.

[Vossie42]

>> As I work through the project however, I'll hit a depression, and freak out over it. I get really anxious and start to believe I'm incapable of finishing the project. I've pissed off/lost many clients this way, and now I'm hitting that point again with my current project. I really want to be able to resolve this, as my current employer is a really great one, and I don't want to have to give this job up, but I'm seriously considering quitting and pursuing disability instead. <<

As mentioned before, the right meds and right dosage do help. It's rather difficult to move forward when the physical aspect has not been taken care of. As for your pattern of behavior when it comes to completing your projects, I have a few things I want to throw out here. Just food for thought. Feel free to reject it if you like. It sounds to me like you're engaging in self-defeating behavior. Perhaps you don't feel that you deserve to succeed, that you're afraid to succeed because then you have something to lose and further to fall. Perhaps your upbringing taught you to feel like having confidence in oneself is a sin and that you shouldn't even have a self.

Obviously, I'm speaking from my own personal experience. But at least I know why I sabotage myself and work on the root causes however difficult it is. It's a real struggle. At this point I now recognize usually when I'm doing that and can make myself hold back for long enough so that I can think rationally and act from a calm, logical standpoint. Otherwise I come across as nutty, obsessive and abrasive and that turns people off.

A for needing therapy again, self-improvement is a life-long process. Going into therapy once or even twice doesn't cure you. As you develop coping skills and get better at using those skills, the less you'll need professional therapy to help you deal with life. You'll still need support from family/friends/whoever to get through tough times - just like everyone else.

Just something to consider. Now for me to take my own advice...

I feel for ya. I'm currently unemployed, highly anxious to the point of imploding. My identity and self-worth are so wrapped up in work.I'm struggling to keep from sabotaging myself.