[sunshineanxious]

Hey everyone

I'm interested in hearing people's stories about growing up with bipolar disorder. I know most of us have had it since we were teenagers and possibly even longer... And I know it takes a toll on identity, especially if you didn't get a diagnosis before like, 10 years after the first episode.

SO:
I had my first episode as a 12-year old, a depression that lasted about 3 years with symptoms waxing and waning. I thought I was the most horrible, underserving person on the planet, and felt really alone because it thought it was the truth. My parents didn't know this and eventually I got better.

I had a quiet period from 15-18 years, with only small symptoms, but then I crashed in the most horrible depression (19 years old). By then, I told my family all about the depression when I was a kid, they were really shocked.

But when I was a teenager I felt so alone, shamed of my self, I felt like a was a criminal and deserved to be punished. This affected my self worth, my friendships etc. I didn't like receiving presents and talking seriously about myself (moods).

I am happy and well now, after being put on the wrong medication for 2 years and have now had 4 depressions and 3 hypomanias (due to wrong meds). I'm now stabilized on meds and don't feel like my identity's shattered. I feel more and more confident every day, I am generally proud of myself but still have problems with being critisized or rejected. I think it somehow relates to bipolar, and me having symptoms unrecognized for so long as a teenager.

What's your story about your identity, self-image and bipolar? How do you feel about rejection?

[sunshineanxious]

* because I thought it was the truth (at that time, where I didn't have a name for it - depression).

[captain1]

I've been bipolar since at least my teens. I can remember being depressed before that. Even at 8yrs old. I went from manic to depressed and lost a lot of friends a long the way. I never felt normal. I just didn't know they had a name for my problem. I was diagnosed depresed about 15 yrs later. It was only that long becaused I refused to get help because of the stigma. It's still a factor in my family. I'm 50 now. I was finally diagnosed bp 2 yrs ago. I've been in the hosp. multiple times and now have my meds sorted out. I went on disability, It's hard to hold a job when you refuse to talk to your co-workers and disapear for days at a time. I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone or myself when I was manic. My episodes were getting progressively worse before I was treated.

[nacht]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14 but I know I was having episodes well before that, since at least 8. That lasted for about six months. I suffered another bout my junior year in high school, then a period of relative calm until my first year in college when I experienced mania for the first time, though I didn't realize it, for roughly eight months or so.

I went through another bad psychotic depression right afterwards, had another two-year period of stability, and then had a meltdown my fourth year in college in the spring time after I'd taken on 22 credit hours and two recitals in the space of ten days and crashed in the middle of it. I was, again, diagnosed with depression after friends dragged me to the campus docs who referred me to a psychiatrist and that was where I was prescribed an antidepressant. The antidepressant sent me into a mixed episode. I tried to drive my car off an overpass and failed, so I took myself to a hospital and told them what I'd done. That was where I was diagnosed with bipolar I.

That's the truncated version.

The thing about my identity is that there is a fairly stable core. I know essentially who I am, it's just that the way I feel about myself changes during episodes. When I'm depressed I lose my sense of self and wonder what I'm doing with my life and why I'm so useless and disgusting; when I'm manic my opinion of myself is much higher. My problems with rejection and such, though, I think come from comorbid social phobia, not bipolar. I don't like confrontation at all and I'm morbidly afraid of social situations and being embarrassed publicly. Even posting things on this forum is very, very hard for me, which is why I tend to just lurk unless I have something to say - I'm always afraid I'm being judged for my words, and it can range anywhere from moderate discomfort to a panic attack (thankfully it's been a while since the latter happened due to posting here).

[Switch]

I don't know when I "started" being bipolar, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's been around since about 12ish? I'd say it's only been "serious" for the last 3 years.

When I was in grade 6 I would say I was depressed, but I also went to a small school (10 people in all of grade 6) and was teased all through middle school. Depression probably lasted till the middle of grade 8. There was a "seriously hyper" period during the summer of grade 6 that resulted in me having memory loss from it, but apparently I was crying and hurting people because I was so hyper.

Even during that though I was nicknamed "hyper-H******", especially in grade 9 and 10 for my ability to get very hyper without sugary substances to kick it off. As if my very blood had sugar in it.

Grade 11 and 12 I am now wondering if I was just constantly hypomanic. People always talked to me, people always liked me even though I was "weird". I was creative, and I'm not kidding when I say everyone loved me. I had people stalking me, and I had guys and girls asking me out all the time, even when I was dating someone else. I thought that that person was just who I was.

Now I'm an anxiety ridden, agoraphobic, partly depressed, dissociative, mental wreak of a university student, trying to find who I am. Since my dx I've been wondering if anything I've ever felt is real. Who am I? I thought I was a cheerful, outgoing, almost always happy. I thought I was cursed to having people fall in love with me, and have crazy sex all the time. I thought I was going to be a fun and successful actor... apparently not?

So yeah, I think it's seriously affected my identity: I can't define myself anymore because I don't know what's me and what's not. I'm scared of peeling back the bipolar and finding out that "who I am" is not who I thought I was at all, but someone who I don't like and don't want to be. I hate it.

[Switch]

Originally Posted by nacht

The thing about my identity is that there is a fairly stable core. I know essentially who I am, it's just that the way I feel about myself changes during episodes. When I'm depressed I lose my sense of self and wonder what I'm doing with my life and why I'm so useless and disgusting; when I'm manic my opinion of myself is much higher.

I use to think like this, and still do for the most part but the edges have blurred. I hope to get back to this state of mind.

(((Nacht)))

[Anneinside]

I had my first depression when I was in 2nd grade and saw a therapist for it. Things were quiet until I was 13 or 14 when I became depressed again and tried suicide. From then until my daughter died when I was 37 I had episodes of hypomania which I didn't recognize. When she died I fell into a two year depression. When I came out of that I had hypomanic periods every 3 to 4 months until I crashed again a few years later.

All my life my family thought of me as fragile. I felt that way too, but I don't know if I just felt it or learned it. I still prefer to be alone most of the time. I am very much aware of other people's reactions to me and if someone is out of sorts, I always blame it on me. I hate it when I feel fragile, like I am going to shatter into little pieces.

[cocoabeans]

When I was a teen, I would to identify myself with how I felt or my mood. I think that sort of instability is part of any teenager's self identity 'cause they're just kids and don't have the experiences. My ability to cope effectively wasn't developed yet. My moods were extreme and I did act strange, used to cut myself too but, I grew out of it. Eventually I came to know myself and recognize my moods and emotions as simply that.

Yea, sure my moods can change my perceptions of myself but, ultimately, I know who I am. Underneath my moods I exist. Sometimes I struggle with low self-esteem and social anxiety but, is that a result of being a "freak" growing up? Nah. It is a result of the ways in which I choose to percieve the world and I'm working on it.

I don't put much into my teenage years. They happened and had an effect for awhile but, I grew up and moved on from the social embarassments and constant bullying. I do have a lot of scars from my self injury days but, I just cover up and don't think about it. Sometimes doctors ask about it and I have to continually explain, "Yes, when I was a teenager I wasn't able to cope so, I experimented with various outlets, that was one, it wasn't effective so, I don't do it anymore." Actually, the thought kind of sickens me and I think, "why do that of all things! That hurts!" I'll get a bit anxious with doctors simply because I'm worried they think I still do that. My doctors know that I never attended therapy. When you go in for a mood issue, they're always about the therapy on the first visit at least. The popular consensus is that people don't just grow out of cutting themselves. That makes no sense to me since it is just a coping mechanism. So, I worry about their prejudices because their ideas about me affect my treatment.

I feel it was my early twenties that shaped me, I am only a few years shy of 30 though so, who knows.

[BlackPup]

It's just a theory but I think that the more time that you spend depressed the more that your brain gets used to thinking in negative ways.
The thoughts that you think the most become the thoughts that are close to the surface of your mind and are the easiest to think.
I spent years suffering with depression - those thoughts came naturally to me and shaped the way I saw myself. The hypomanias were sweet but short and as they waned and "my reality" set in they left me even more depressed.
Luckily, things have changed... I had the help of a really great counsellor and learnt to challenge the way that I thought about myself. I came to realise that God loves me. This has changed the way I see myself and all the relationships around me. However, I still have a long way to go to gain confidence as my instinct is to doubt myself.
I hope that as my meds continue to stabilise my moods I will spend less time depressed and the negative thoughts will be less frequent and gradually drift further from the surface of my mind.

Here are some of my thoughts on the way we think about ourselves...

[argv]

Originally Posted by bipolarbear21

Hey everyone

I'm interested in hearing people's stories about growing up with bipolar disorder. I know most of us have had it since we were teenagers and possibly even longer... And I know it takes a toll on identity, especially if you didn't get a diagnosis before like, 10 years after the first episode.

SO:
I had my first episode as a 12-year old, a depression that lasted about 3 years with symptoms waxing and waning. I thought I was the most horrible, underserving person on the planet, and felt really alone because it thought it was the truth. My parents didn't know this and eventually I got better.

I had a quiet period from 15-18 years, with only small symptoms, but then I crashed in the most horrible depression (19 years old). By then, I told my family all about the depression when I was a kid, they were really shocked.

But when I was a teenager I felt so alone, shamed of my self, I felt like a was a criminal and deserved to be punished. This affected my self worth, my friendships etc. I didn't like receiving presents and talking seriously about myself (moods).

I am happy and well now, after being put on the wrong medication for 2 years and have now had 4 depressions and 3 hypomanias (due to wrong meds). I'm now stabilized on meds and don't feel like my identity's shattered. I feel more and more confident every day, I am generally proud of myself but still have problems with being critisized or rejected. I think it somehow relates to bipolar, and me having symptoms unrecognized for so long as a teenager.

What's your story about your identity, self-image and bipolar? How do you feel about rejection?

That's a good question. For much of my earlier life I tried to avoid drugs and alcohol and considered that my "identity" and claim to fame. Things went to crap when I decided to get back into it.

I'm now working on getting back to being sober, and feel my identity is coming back. I'm less afraid of rejection. I feel more confident and like a better person. I wake up every day glad to be alive. I always knew that alcohol was a bad idea, I just didn't really know why until recently.

[sunshineanxious]

Captain1: can't imagine what it's like to have been undiagnosed for so long, I heard it's a common thing for episodes to get worse and worse if left untreated.. Mine did too, I also lost friends because of my episodes but they weren't real friends anyway. Glad you have your meds sorted out. Sortof do remember very bleak, depressive periods lastintg like only 2 weeks when I was 9, I think..

Nacht: glad you posted on this thread, I feel too I have a stable core (even though it's gone especially in depression-time) and I think it's one of the things that's saved me from completely killing myself. That I still want something and love something in life etc. I don't have social phobia as a diagnosis myself, but it's the first thing that warns me of a new depressive episode - I get so self-conscious and am afraid to talk to people or just meet them on the street. So terrible!

[Kat67]

Great topic... I can relate. Actually feel a little envious of your being diagnosed so young, although I understand your difficulty in figuring out what's real and what's the disease.

I am 44 and was diagnosed BPII last year. I believe I showed labile mood issues since 7-8 years old and spent MANY years bouncing in and out of therapy - on one medication or another for depression - and in and out of a 12 step recovery program for what I thought was alcohol and drug abuse which turned out to be self medicating my irritable BP moods.

I've cried - still cry - over the heartache I have caused those around me over the years - especially my children and ex husband. I have made horrible decisions in what now appear to be hypomanic episodes that have hurt my 19 year old son... forgiveness of self will be long coming if at all.

What was hard to swallow as well was the fact that even my accomplishments - going back to college to obtain my RN degree at age 36 with 2 children and a 32 hour a week job - can be attributed to a hypomanic state.

So... at 44... I am learning about myself... reforming my identity and sense of self - incorporating my BPII diagnosis into my self understanding... and learning to accept all the components as a WHOLE. It'll take time and therapy to sort it all out. What is difficult as well is the fact that only a hand full of people know about my diagnosis... which makes me feel like a fraud sometimes - not acurately depicting myself to those close to me. *Urgh....

[sunshineanxious]

Switch:

Get your point. I do think we feel more like ourselves when manic, it accentuates the character traits you already had, and I get the feeling too that everyone wants to talk to me. Still I AM a charicature of myself when I'm manic. I like that far more than being depressive and losing myself all over again. I think it feels like more of a loss because you are SO energetic and SO happy when hypo-, that the downfall is just greater. But personally I'm looking forward to trying to find my personality when I'll finally be stable for the first time in many years. It's a frightening and exhilerating journey, I think.
Hope you'll get back to what Nacht described.

Anneinside: hate that feeling too, I actually once painted a self portrait of me totally transparent and everyone else covered up in thick jackets. It feels like the fragility is so visible to everyone around. I can't hide that I'm always feeling a little rejected after being critisized by someone. Working on it, though.

[sunshineanxious]

Cocoabeans: yeah, I did that too- just burning myself with cigarettes. didn't do it more than 3 times, though. I was in a mixed state and nothing else worked. So yeah, burning didn't really either, but when you're alone and don't know your diagnosis it seems the only option.
I always felt like a freak too, but was only bullied in the lower grades, so eventually it became the good, "silly" but funny part of me.

BlackPup: You're probably right, I guess the negative neuronal patterns have been reinforced many times in my brain. Either that or I'm just born a little rejection sensitive, has to do with the wiring in the brain. But Cognitive Therapy is usually great. I find it helps me more in less affected periods, though. When I'm very sick, I can't focus on anything.

Argv: Hey, that sounds like a real succes story to me. I think for a lot of us, the alcohol has to do with insecurity and sometimes it helps to "bring you down" if you're stressed out or manic. Sometimes you have to go to far with something, before you really figure out it's not good for you. I try to avoid alcohol almost completely myself (I used it at some point to a certain degree as a sort of self medication) and feel much better now. It's like my body's in greater shape without the alcohol.
Anyway, I'm happy for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Had my 1st suicide attempt at 15, I didn't understand why. Altho I didn't know it at the time, I was hypomanic nearly through out high school, with 3 intense depressive episodes inbetween. Oozing self-confidence during hypomania as a teen had me and everyone around me believing I had great self-esteem. And when I wasn't hypomanic, I faked the confidence, I just wanted to feel like 'me'. As an adult and generally introspective person, I now realize that that's not true, my self-esteem is really on the low side and I'm working on it.

[Miss Laura]

I was diagnosised back in 2010 at the age 25 years old. This was after 1 manic episode and 1 sever depressive episode. I was previously diagnosised as having depression.

I first started feeling and suffering from depression when I was 12 years old. I had a lot of anger in me and I suffered badly from "tantrums". I hate thinking back to those times. But they did happen. I was punished a lot for my behaviour. My family never understood me. I didn't understand myself. I started self harming at the age of 5-6 years old. I use to wish I wasn't here any more when I was roughly 10 years old. I just hated my life. No one understood what was happening with me and why I acted the way I did. I didn't understand either. My folks wanted me to see my GP when I was 15 years old. But I refused and spent the next 10 years fighting a losing battle with my emotions and thoughts and feelings. I through myself into my work and had a few years of nothing. Then I had my Grandparent's deaths 1 month apart. This was a major trigger and that was me. Ever since then I have been depressed and hypo manic. Everyone in my work just thought that was who I was. So did I to an extent. But then I started seeing a guy and that was another trigger for me.

Life has always been a bit of a rollercoaster with tears and drama's

I don't know who I am, I use to be a hard worker who had a great social life. Now I am on disabilty and have very little friends and no social life. So no I don't have an identity

[sunshineanxious]

Kat67: I heard other peopl saying they were a bit envious about it, even though I myself think of it as pretty tough spending 3 years in total depressed and suicidal out of 22.. I can hear you've been through a lot and I've heard of many people who have been diagnosed as late as you. I don't think you should attribute those achievements completely to hypomania, I still think of my grades in college as my achievement even though I was half manic working on the big projects. I still did it, not everyone could've, my mania was a bit of fuel but it was MY brain and still MY ideas

Trippin: Know the feeling. My parents always thought I was superconfident even when I myself thought I was the worst person on the planet. I guess you get used to faking and good at it. I can fake happiness easily too, but now I don't do it unless it's absolutely necessary.

Miss Laura: Yeah, people around me always think I'm the superconfident, creative smiling, energetic girl, but then I get depressed and they're like: "not her, she was always so bouncy" and I'm thinking: "yeah, maybe there was a reason!". Your story is quite rough. I'm glad you're here on this forum. I hope you get the right medication and help now. Personally, I'm not quite sure there is such a thing as one fixed identity. I think it always changes, and even when you feel like you lost it, it'll show up again sometime. When I'm depressed I always feel like I have no identity, but then that's just my depressed identity, I guess. And it comes back.