[touchingsaturn]

i signed up for this site... well, months ago.. i knew i needed an online support network of people who actually "get" what i'm going through... let's be honest, other than my dr, one bipolar/schizo affective friend, and my mom (who only gets it from being an outside observer for so many years)... there's not really anyone in my network of people in real life who have any clue what i go through.. and trying to explain it most often seems futile at best and exhausting at least..

this is actually my first post... and i honestly don't know where to start... i just know i was frustrated when i woke up that my medicine had caused me to (again) sleep so late... and then i watched two tv shows... took a shower... and now, by the often misunderstood mechanisms of my brain chemistry.. i'm depressed. and i HATE it... yeah, yeah, i know... a few hours from now i'll probably be fine... but right now, it really sucks...

sometimes, i can feel it coming.. but i wasn't expecting it this time... and i just don't care... about anything... i don't wanna do.. or be... anything. there are sounds that i could make of frustration... beyond sighing... more of a moan from deep inside.. that would really accurately portray my aggravation/overwhelming irritation with this "settling in" of apathy... but there just aren't words sometimes.

there's not really a point to this post... other than to "get it out"...

weirdest thing - mid-post, i had to ... take care of something in the backyard... and while it irritated me, maybe it's good that it happened, because even now i feel slightly better... having been forced out into the sunshine...

that in itself aggravates me... that one moment i can be so ... blah that it sickens me... and the next... i'm myself again.. oh the joys of being a rapid-cycler... fun times... maybe there's hope for the rest of the day yet...

i think this is the part where i'm supposed to pretend to "suck it up" and go on with my day ... even as i type that, i can feel it settling back in on me.. i guess it never really left... it never really does...