[bowhunt72]

I managed to make it through an extremely difficult night last night. Helped a little that I made myself keep my word on a safety contract that I wrote. Helped a lot being here on PC. To the person here on PC that helped me the most, thank you more than I can say. You know who you are. You may have saved my life last night. I'm sorry to all those who encouraged me to call a hotline. I know I should have, but I just couldn't get past my fear of trying to explain my condition and emotional state to a stranger.

Went back to the hospital this morning for the intensive outpatient program. Once again I got pulled out of group to talk with a social worker for the last hour. This time she told me they already had the doctor's permission to force me inpatient involuntarily unless I could convince them not to. I managed to convince her that I had enough plans and support to make it through the weekend, but she made me write out and sign another safety contract that I would not self injure or make any preparations for suicide before our next meeting on Monday. After that she conferred with the nurse and between them they decided to let me go.

So that's where I'm at for now. I'm still feeling rough but determined to keep my word and keep myself safe until Monday. I think I am very slowly starting to come to terms with the relationship issues that caused this latest crash and are keeping my depression worse than it would be otherwise. I'm not there yet, but I think I can see how I might be sometime in the future.

Thank you so much to all those who have been concerned and helped me here. PC is a great community.

[and_im_still_here]

Keep up! I might not have known you, but i know everyone here at PC can have a really big struggle at some point. Im happy for you that you made it must be very hard

That's really good news!! I am glad you sound like you are starting to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel, if only a little bit for now. Like I've told you before, you can do this. It's all baby steps. I'm glad you've made a commitment to keep yourself safe.

If you need to talk to get through the weekend, we're here. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts, I hope that light gets stronger and closer.

[Chihuahua]

I'm not sure what caused your distress but remember you ALWAYS have a choice! And by signing that contract indicates you want to get better and you are a fighter! All you have to do is BELIEVE in whatever it is that gives you hope and strength. Thinking of you.

[bowhunt72]

"And by signing that contract indicates you want to get better and you are a fighter!"

Well, that and I'm getting tired of being locked up...

Thanks to all for the support.

[bipolarmedstudent]

I'm really glad to hear this. I think the contracts are helping you.

[cocoabeans]

I'd sign anything not to be locked up. That seems so weird but, then again, when it comes to my NEEDS I might not be the most honest person. I'm surprised such contracts exist and would be in any way effective. I'd laugh if ever offered one. Maybe that's why I never was! Haha. But, good for you.

Don't hurt yourself.

And really, good news for you too, you've got bipolar, it always passes! Mood cycles say what!

[bowhunt72]

Safety contracts are not a cure-all, and they don't work for everyone. They work for me because I strongly believe in keeping my word. For me my signature on that piece of paper is binding, even if I just scribbled it out of desperation to keep from being forced inpatient. I told the nurse and social worker straight out that I couldn't and wouldn't sign anything open ended, because I don't know what might happen and I don't want to be in a situation where I feel like I'm forced to break my word because of being overwhelmed. I told them if they wanted a date, I'd give them a date, and we settled on our next meeting Monday.

That was the situation two nights ago. I knew I wouldn't cut because I gave my word on it, but I had also given my word that I wouldn't prepare for suicide and I was planning the emails and facebook messages I would need to send to say goodbye or apologize to the necessary people and make sure my body was found in a timely manner (I've been in situations where we didn't find the body until weeks after the death, and it's not pretty. I didn't want to put anyone through that.). I managed to stop by forcing myself to realize, "I can't be doing this, I am breaking my contract". I'm sure that wouldn't work for everyone, but it helped to force me back to reality.

I hope maybe this can help someone else.

[Nixi]

Well done!! That's fantastic that you managed to keep yourself safe!! I know how hard it can be. I struggled last night but did manage to call my sister and ask for help- which is a massive step for me!!

The contract idea is a great idea. I'll have to try and remember that one!

Keep up the good work Bow- remember small steps- just concentrate on getting through each moment! ((((hugs)))

[cocoabeans]

O.o I'll remember that for the future incase I need a manipulation tactic.

Good job though. Keep safe!

[xraydiva09]

Im glad to hear that you are safe......dont do any harm to yourself....we all know that these moments you feel like crap....pure crap.....but the wise saying goes that "this too shall pass".....besides, none of us look good dead....kinda pale......Theres so much out there for you....keep pushing ahead...Monday is almost here! Blessings and hugs to you....