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  #1  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 01:36 AM
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cocoabeans cocoabeans is offline
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1) I hate the label.

2) I hate taking medication every day.

3) I hate that I almost always have some problem with sleeping too much and usually too little.

4) I hate that stress or a late night out throws me off track so easily.

5) I hate that I can't be even somewhat manic without being sick!

6) I hate that I'm impulsive especially with my emotions. Sometimes, I should just shut up and think! I say and do things when I know better!

7) I hate that thoughts of impulsive choices makes me so indecisive at other times.

8) I hate that it is like I am a different person every few days, weeks, months or years because my moods take over.

9) I hate that people notice it and express concerns. Shut up! I know what is going on and I'm trying.

10) I hate that when I'm stable people tell me that I don't "seem bipolar."

11) I hate that any obnoxious, rude, abusive, negative behavior is called "bipolar" in the general public.

12) I hate that I so easily sympathize with people. I don't even like people!

13) I hate that I was psychotic as a teenager and still worry about those damned delusions.

14) I hate that people accused me of being on drugs as a teen rather than realizing I was sick! I feel like no one can relate.

15) I hate that I cut myself up so badly when I was younger, scars upon scars and the very idea of doing that again MAKES NO SENSE!

16) I hate that I can't decide on a career because I know I'll hit a mood swing and imagine depression and I can't picture myself doing anything!

17) I hate that my mood swings and impulsivity will keep me near the poverty line.

18) I hate that I'm so damn smart but, bipolar has destroyed my ability to use my intelligence! I had to quit school a few times. My university transcript is bipolar itself!

19) I hate the choices I've made and situations I got into and the people I met because I was moody.

20) I hate that I don't even know if it was the mood or if I really am that person!

21) I hate seeing my doctor all the time and that I need to find a new one.

22) I hate that I refused to accept bipolar as a diagnosis right away at 19 and went on to be prescribed SSRIs alone. I hate that I worry about any new drug because of those experiences.

23) I hate that my mood has been all over the place the last few months. I'm high then I'm not and it is ruining me!

24) I'm so tired of all of this! I don't want to live like this but, what can I do? Switch medication, again? Medication changes and me have a bad history, worse than this.

25) I hate that the so called treatment is such a gamble. What to try next is just a guess. It might make me psychotic or suicidal.

26) I hate that feeling that makes me LOVE bipolar and I hate the word manic.

I don't know how to cope with this sometimes.
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Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, faerie_moon_x, lbrown1, mommyof2girls, moremi, myexpression, Resident Bipolar, thickntired

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  #2  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 03:57 AM
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You touched on a lot of my very same feelings with that.

As for now what, I don't really know. I wish I did, but it seems like every day, there's something new to contend with. It gets to be way too much sometimes.
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Without ME, it's just "aweso"!
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  #3  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 04:55 AM
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bluemountains bluemountains is offline
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Your list sums up many of my feelings, thanks.
Bluemountains
  #4  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 11:42 AM
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LiteraryLark LiteraryLark is offline
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Good. Now come up with 26 hopes, goals, and reasons why you love being bipolar.
Thanks for this!
CastlesInTheAir, JustWannaDisappear
  #5  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 11:50 AM
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BipolaRNurse BipolaRNurse is offline
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Wow, you really summed things up well, cocoabeans!!! Great post!!
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1
Anxiety
Tardive dyskinesia
Mild cognitive impairment

RX:
Celexa 20 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM
Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN
Lamictal 500 mg
Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression)
Trazodone 150 mg
Zyprexa 7.5 mg

Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com
  #6  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 12:24 PM
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LiteraryLark LiteraryLark is offline
Crowned "The Good Witch"
 
Member Since: Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
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1. I am stronger than my bipolar

2. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

3. I consider bipolar to be a bump in the road to a successful, happy life.

4. I finally have an excuse to take happy pills, and it's 100% doctor reccommended.

5. I get so much more done when I'm manic (chores, grocery, errands)

6. I'm 150% more confident than when I used to be.

7. Stress is a chance to determine what's in my head and what can be resolved.

8. I think it's wonderful people can notice what I'm feeling. It makes me slow down and be conscious of what I say and do. They're just trying to help.

9. It's a compliment when people tell me I'm not acting bipolar. It means I'm finally acting like a normal human being and that I'm getting better for the time being.

10. My fear of becoming delusional again is my motivation to keep taking the meds and do whatever it takes to become healthy again.

11. People asked me if I was on crack when I was a kid. They were elementary school kids and middle school kids. What do they know about mental illnesses? I didn't understand it then, but I understand it now that they were just as confused as I was.

12. I understand now that my self-harm was not because of anyone's abuse nor of my own blame, but because of my disorder, and now I have the tools to combat the negative thinking.

13. I'm in college and still can't decide what I want to do. But I learned in college survival that neither do 75% of the other college kids, who change their majors about three times during their studies. So after serious thinking, I narrowed it down to two careers, I'm going to go through with one and if it doesn't work out, I'll go back and study the next one. It's just trial and error, and lucky for me my best friend also wants to get the same certificate, so she can help me study (which I am the absolute worst at.)

14. I struggle with finding a job, and even more so with being happy in a job, but it pays the bills and I need an apartment more than I need to end up in a hospital jobless. I take my job hunt day by day, and do my very best with each interview.

15. hahaha, #18 is so funny because I can totally relate to that. I hate school because I have trouble utulizing my full potential. I could have gotten straight A's in high school, but ended up getting D's and F's. I'm really smart, but I can't study and I hate homework. But my JC is super cool because they have so many resources, plus my best friend is the ideal student who can help me with my homework and teach me how to study. Let's just hope I don't mess up her studying time!

16. Oh man, #19 really hits home. I'm still attached to someone I've been following since the 9th grade. I just had a dream about him last night about prom and it's always about trying to make it up to him and trying to make things better. My mom has a saying, "Live life with no regrets". it just won't do me any good to keep dwelling on the past. Though I can deal with most anything, he is the one person I haven't been able to get over, and I think it's because I choose not to. I'm just not ready to get over him. Someday he will fade into the background and I will move on with my life.

17. The more I feel my bipolar, the easier it is for me to tell the difference between mania and happiness. Sometimes it just takes an outside person to tell.

18. I freaking LOVE my doctor! If it wasn't for him I'd still be Harry Potter. I owe him my life.

19. Sometimes I start sobbing, then catch myself and start laughing. I find it very amusing.

20. I keep telling myself that someday I'll be off meds. No one knows that for sure, but it keeps me motivated to keep fighting my disorder.

21. I wouldn't have graduated high school if I didn't keep fighting.

22. I managed to last 5 out of 6 weeks of police cadet training while heavily medicated and on too high of a dose. Not sure if I want to do it again, but hey, I got that far.

23. Labels are labels. Gays have a label, rock bands have a label, mental illnesses have labels. All you can do is correct them and prove them wrong.

24. That moment in my head after racing thoughts when everything is super quiet and I can feel the silence of the whole house? Priceless.

25. Though it means I'm a little unstable, I certainly do like feeling on top of the world. It's a much better alternative than feeling like a worthless POS.

26. My #1 favorite thing about being bipolar? My creativity. Whether it's gardening, cooking, moving furniture around, writing, or painting I love to express myself and being bipolar I can do that to the extreme and unleash my full potential.
Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, BlackPup, CastlesInTheAir
  #7  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 12:53 PM
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faerie_moon_x faerie_moon_x is offline
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Location: I live in my head. :P
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I hate how the racing thoughts take away all my good ideas for stories and my ability to write them down...

Just keep swimming.
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Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse
  #8  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 02:59 PM
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Chihuahua Chihuahua is offline
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Wow, a few more!!

Great sex with hubby during manic.
None at all when depro.

Having my choc chip muffin for breakfast and sooooo not feeling guilty.
Then making yummi veggies for night - well because you think it will balance out that muffin.

Creating new art concepts with the Gr 3's and they think it's your job to be this kuku creative.
Not being able to climb out of bed and when you do, you dress in khaki with no make up and frizzy hair!

Just sorry it has to be black or white and no grey! (For me anyway)
Thanks for this!
LiteraryLark
  #9  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 06:39 PM
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LiteraryLark LiteraryLark is offline
Crowned "The Good Witch"
 
Member Since: Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,542
Being bipolar is not easy in the slightest. But it doesn't mean it has the power to control your life.

I'm a retired pessimist. I spent years and years making lists of all the different ways I hated myself. I think my dx saved me, and now I just don't have the time or the option to keep making hate lists. It will just make me feel worse about myself and make me feel weak and vulnerable when clearly, after everything I've been through, I am not.
Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, CastlesInTheAir
  #10  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 07:58 PM
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xraydiva09 xraydiva09 is offline
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Hmm...Let's see...you know I have to add my two cents....(because I have no sense lol-bad joke)....Bi-Polar sucks...I myself am Bi-Polar II, so I lean toward the manic depressive side, but the part that sucks the most, is the docs always want to take away my hypo side...the side that feels best...the side I want to bottle up and take everyday....but no....take this blue pill because you are too happy, and this little pink one because you are too sad, and this little yellow one because the combo of the blue and pink has now made you too sleepy....no wonder all of us feel like crap lol....keep your head up though....its hard, very hard....there are days when your head weighs 100lbs, but somehow there is always someone there to help out...
Thanks for this!
moremi
  #11  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 09:57 PM
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BipolaRNurse BipolaRNurse is offline
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Location: Western US
Posts: 4,831
I still wonder why I have to be having bipolar symptoms in order to do my best writing. I've been published in newspapers up and down the West Coast, and on Internet forums all over the world (I'm a blogger and freelancer in my spare time), and now that my moods are stabilizing, I can't think of anything to write about! Wish my Muse would take a dump on my head so I could get some of this stuff out on paper, but right now it's all I can do to make out a grocery list. Phooey.
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1
Anxiety
Tardive dyskinesia
Mild cognitive impairment

RX:
Celexa 20 mg
Gabapentin 1200 mg
Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM
Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN
Lamictal 500 mg
Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression)
Trazodone 150 mg
Zyprexa 7.5 mg

Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com
Hugs from:
faerie_moon_x, roads
  #12  
Old Apr 10, 2012, 10:33 PM
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roads roads is offline
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17, 22, 25, & 26.

In those, you're doing some looking into your future. I'm 66, so my different perspective might offer a slightly better outlook. Though not wealthy, I've been on my own most of my life--supporting myself. I'm living now well above the poverty level. I'm very sensitive to meds, and if there's a side effect that can wreck my life I'll find it. But I've battled the doctors until I've gotten them to hear this:
You are not in charge of fixing me. I need a partner, a team member who can teach me coping skills and help locate the best drug available to treat my condition. I don't want either of us to ever settle for "good enough." And I want us to discuss and agree on decisions affecting me.
I went without a pdoc sometime & had bad ones but I kept fighting. It's worth it. Some bipolars can avoid medication altogether. Most cannot. For them--us--only with the right meds, properly maintained, can these bipolars reach their full potential. Otherwise, some might be better off without drugs. IDK. We shouldn't have to choose.

Don't *ever* give up, please.

Roadie
Thanks for this!
BipolaRNurse, moremi
  #13  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 12:49 AM
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tnlibrarian tnlibrarian is offline
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Posts: 278
All of you have expressed my feelings. Especially right now while I'm trying to deal with cycling and mood swings while having the occasional hallucinations. It's so frustrating.
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Becca

Bipolar 1 with Rapid Cycling and Mixed States
Wellbutrin 150 mg
Lamictal 400 mg
Geodon 40 mg
Ativan 0.5 mg
  #14  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 12:50 AM
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cocoabeans cocoabeans is offline
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Posts: 1,122
Awe! Thanks for all your replies! I felt awfully down and anxious when I wrote that. Better afterward. Many of your replies put this stuff in a better perspective.
Hugs from:
ManicDad
  #15  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 01:06 AM
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BlueInanna BlueInanna is offline
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Good post Cocoa, thanks for sharing
  #16  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 06:29 AM
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moremi moremi is offline
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Wow... I think you covered it all. Awesome way to express this.
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Crystal

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe become simple.


Bipolar 1
OCD
BPD
Anxiety with panic disorder
Agorophobia


viibryd
  #17  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 08:42 AM
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MoxieDoll MoxieDoll is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Posts: 9
20) I hate that I don't even know if it was the mood or if I really am that person!

This, a thousand times, THIS. I honestly think it's the worst part for me. Now, I really want to see how your list for dealing with all of those things
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In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
  #18  
Old Apr 11, 2012, 12:48 PM
tcmoon52 tcmoon52 is offline
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Location: Santa Cruz CA
Posts: 64
I think you covered most of the ground, that I have trudged, and still do. The meds, and there side effects are difficult to say the least. But make no mistake, I would NEVER go bact to my first 43 years of life when I was undiagnoised. The sleepless nights for weeks on end. The chronic anxiety, the panic attacks, after a night of drinking. The racing mind, and speech. The demoralization, when I tried to explain what was going on to Doctors and was told I was a hypochondriac. The horrible intrusive thoughts. The inability to hold a job longer than 6 weeks, because of my mood swings, and exhaustion from lack of sleep, and the rage I could get at the drop of a hat. And the black cloud that would come and sit on my forehead, as I slipped deeper and deeper into the black hole. I think I have it tough now, but those years were unbearable.

Last edited by tcmoon52; Apr 11, 2012 at 01:14 PM. Reason: left out sentance
  #19  
Old Apr 16, 2012, 02:16 AM
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lbrown1 lbrown1 is offline
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Location: missouri
Posts: 54
[QUOTE=Chihuahua;2311496]Wow, a few more!!

Great sex with hubby during manic.
None at all when depro.

Having my choc chip muffin for breakfast and sooooo not feeling guilty.
Then making yummi veggies for night - well because you think it will balance out that muffin.

Creating new art concepts with the Gr 3's and they think it's your job to be this kuku creative.
Not being able to climb out of bed and when you do, you dress in khaki with no make up and frizzy hair!

Just sorry it has to be black or white and no grey! (For me anyway)[/QUOTEo

I really am black or white also... i really have never seen creativity in anything I do.. Im super happy (hypo mania) or completely depressed (more often than not).. when they mix (quite frequent) anything positive is destroyed, I have lived my whole life picking up pieces and starting over.. this happens 3-8 times a year.. blah.. but im alive for everyone's entertainment!
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