[Anneinside]

I have a friend who I am starting to think is using me. She never invites me over to her house just to visit. Since she doesn't have a car I don't invite her to my place because I would have to go get her, bring her to my house, bring her back home and then go home myself. Early every week she calls and says something like "this weekend let's go out to Baker's Square. What time can you pick me up for lunch?" It's like she is making an appointment. When we go out, we don't even talk very much. I am starting to feel like an unpaid taxi. Lately she has been saying things like "when can we go to the zoo?" for festival or the Mall of America. All these things are a 1 1/2 hour drive away. She doesn't see this is an imposition.

The other thing she does is bring a check to pay for her meal. When they say they don't take checks she says you pay for me and I'll write the check to you. That way, instead of her going to the bank to get cash or activating her ATM card, I have to go to the bank. Am I starting to sound irritated?

One time she said she got us reservations to an all you can eat breakfast. I agreed. When I picked her up she told me it was at the town a half hour away. She doesn't offer to help pay the gas.

She is also very insistent in contacting me. One time I was at a friend's house and she called. I let it go to voice mail. She called again... and again. I turned off my phone. When I checked later she had called 21 times and never left a message. When I did take her next call she said she was upset and was sure something was wrong. I did tell her to just leave it at one call and leave a message. She has yet to do that.... I just don't know what to do about her.

Thanks for letting me vent

[BlueInanna]

Ughhh... I would be very irritated. This friend sounds like she lacks boundaries, and it's going to be your burden to set some clear boundaries if the friendship is going to last.

Maybe you could ask for details about the places she wants to go with you, like where is this place, how far? I'd ask her to split the gas cost, and ask her if you guys need to stop to get cash.

21 calls in a row, omg... this sounds like a really needy friend, sorry if I'm mean but that can really zap your energy. I've attracted friends like this and end up really needing my space.

[BuggsBunny]

I agree, you are going to have to set some boundaries and stick to them. First, you need to decide if this is a friend worth keeping, because you may lose her when you enforce the boundaries. Tell her to activate her debit card, that you will no longer pay for her meals. Give her a limit on how far you are willing to drive for any event, and ask her outright to share the cost of gas with you.

I does sound like she is using you to get out of the house.

[Victoria'smom]

Only accept things that you want to do. Say "I can stop by the bank if you need to." or say you need to. Say no to things you don't have the gas for and tell her that you would like to but don't have the gas. You may want to change your message so that it state Please leave a message because I'm unavailable and will return calls as soon as I'm able. Therefore she has a reminder each and every time.

[Anneinside]

Thanks for all your responses. I just got a call from her. She is busy next week but set up an "appointment" for the following week to go to breakfast. At least I usually go there anyway. I just have to pick her up. LOL I am really going to have to work on those boundaries.

[Dragonfly33]

When you pick her up for breakfast try this: "By the way, I only have 6 bucks, do you have your share for breakfast today?" Then you have it covered before you even leave her house.

May I ask you something? Do you have any conversations with her other than making arrangements to go places?

I think everyone has come up with good ideas. And good practice to work on your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with asking for help to pay for gas. Gas is very expensive these days. I don't drive but I always help pay for gas, even with my boyfriend. I also can walk and meet my friends, because it's a small city or I can catch a bus or ride my bike. So to me it sounds like your friend needs to learn some boundaries and independence. Especially with the cheque problem.

I have a hard time with my boundaries too and knowing how to make them be know, and fear of sounding rude or hurting someone's feelings. But it's good to use this as an opportunity to practice that. You never know either, maybe if you assert your boundaries she will respect that more. You might even develop a closer friendship because of it. That has happened to me in the past.

Good luck Anne, I hope these strategies help.

[Anneinside]

Thanks Anika. You are right, I do worry about hurting her feelings. My other problem is I don't know what to say at the right time. My tdoc talked to me about what to say when I saw her this week. Hopefully I will get better at it.

Oh that's good you talked about this with your tdoc, could you try practicing a bit before hand. So that when the right time does come you are more prepared?

I have this one friend, almost my only friend and she was gossipy and negative, with everything. I finally had to ask her if she could not criticize others in my presence or at least not as much. It was a very hard thing to do, not wanting to hurt her or make her feel like I was criticizing her ( the very thing I was asking her to refrain from). I can't remember exactly what I said. But she had brought up the topic and I used her bringing it up as way to discuss it. She received it well, and she also made an effort to stop doing it, which I think made her more aware of her own thinking. You never know how someone will respond, but I think if you have good intentions it will be seen, and if it isn't well maybe it's for a reason not seen.

You will get better at it, practice makes perfect. Well ok there is no perfect but practice makes us stronger. Let us now how it goes. Hoping for a smooth transaction between you and your friend.