[geethanks]

Hello all, I'm new here and have so much to say but figured I'd start with some of my recent troubles.

I'm 20, diagnosed bipolar II at ~15. Didn't start cooperating with therapy and medication until I was 18, after 4 hospitalizations. One of which I might mention that has been flashing in my head a lot lately- I was a junior in high school, I won't specify where but lets say a very wealthy prestigious community in orange county (me being one of the rare few struggling kids of a single mother outside of town in a small apartment). It was a small high school and everyone knew each other and how much money they had. I managed to make a great group of unique, down to earth friends by the time this hospitalization occurred. Anyway, I was on the way to school one morning and was arguing with my mother for some reason or another. The beginning of my illness pretty much revolved around my extreme release of anger targeted toward my mother (I would go further into that history but I'll maybe save it for a later time to stay on topic). I hated school so much simply for having to deal with all the snobby kids, mostly just the way I thought they looked at me. I screamed and screamed as usual on the way to school (17, throwing a fit like a toddler) trying to get my mom to just let me out of the car so I wouldn't have to go (which usually worked). I ended up saying I wanted to kill her (not serious) as she pulled up to the front, and the principal was standing there and noticed all the drama. He brought my mom and I into the office where she told him and the counselor that I threatened to kill her. They had me in a room talking to another counselor trying to calm me down. Eventually another woman came in to *chat* with me, and I probably said some things I wouldn't of if I had known she worked for the county mental health office and was deciding whether or not to 5150 me. Later on I find out that they tricked me into it (which now I know all of this was just out of concern and I respect that). Naturally I threw an even bigger fit and soon enough the paramedics came. Before they had taken my phone I was begging my friends to come and try and save me from it all. The paramedics walk me down to an ambulance by the side of the school, where theres a large gate where kids walk out at lunchtime to get to their cars or walk to nearby restaurants. As I'm screaming my lungs out the lunch bell rings, (this is where the image begins) and the entire school walks out to see me getting strapped down by a team of paramedics with the entire school administration surrounding the ambulance. My friends see the ambulance and run over crying, trying to save me from another "horrid" hospitalization (this was the third). Before I was completely strapped down one of my best girl friends jumps at me and hugs me as tight as she can and the medics tear her off and put me in the ambulance and shut the doors. The bed looks towards the back windows where the gate is, where my few girl friends are crying and begging my mom to let me go. That moment was probably one of the lowest points of my life. Seeing how much my friends cared about me...the first real friends I had ever had (I moved around alot until then), but at the same time feeling so angry about my life and hating everyone for no particular reason. And on top of it all, it seemed like the TOTAL end of any respect from the kids at that school. Gossip spread like wildfire, of course since it was high school, but things like that just downright never happened around that town. Everyone seemed so *perfect* to me without any problems and all the money in the world (come to find out most ended up trust fund burnouts and coke addicts, but anyway). I was already known to be a xanax junkie and kleptomaniac, the girl no one wanted at the parties in their 10 million mansions. Just sitting there in that ambulance looking out the window at the entire school gasping and gossiping, and my friends standing there. Ugh.

I took so much for granted. I know most of you will understand the feelings that come in the beginning of the illness...depression, impulsivity, and that wretched hormonal anger...

But here I am now, 2 years deep in medication. I just switched to a new one after lithium, Latuda, just approved last year I think. Its been ok so far.

I don't want to sound like an asshole, because I feel like my problems are so ridiculous in comparison to what so many of you are experiencing. But I'm in college now, and I still have alot of those same friends. Some have come and gone, mostly gone, to college...I'm still at home going to junior college living with my mom, no job, can't handle it.

I have the most amazing friends in the world and I am so grateful for them...they're always there and always will be there for me, but at the same time I feel like i'll never appreciate them enough. I'll always doubt the way they see me. I'm worrying what everyone else is thinking 80+% of the time. Even the ones that I know must care about me, or else they wouldn't of kept me around, for sure, after what they've seen of me. But thats just it- I only focus on the bad things that have happened. Obviously I've made some really stupid decisions and hurt some of them, but it passed and doesn't matter anymore. Even the ones I've probably never harmed, I always feel like I'm saying something the wrong way and they're taking it offensively even though I KNOW they're my best friends and they know how I am and that's why theyre friends with me. Or if I'm saying something in a way that will make them see me differently/negatively...and I don't want to lose them. I just always feel like I'm being critiqued so closely by everyone. Its stupid. I shouldn't have anything to complain about. I feel so spoiled and unappreciative.

So I don't leave my house. I've done this on and off for years, and recently I think has been the most unhealthy. I'll get so wrapped up in meaningless things, jumping from tv show obsessions...celebrity obsessions...certain blogs or websites and other random, useless, stupid obsessions. It's not like me. I also feel dangerously close to an eating disorder which I'm thankful I'm recognizing and talking with my psychiatrist about before I fall deeper into it. I think its all just developing out of boredom, because I'd rather sit at home and have all these obsessions, than risk going out and ruining a relationship or geting judged by people. I really think I get it, the gist of the root of all these problems I create for myself but I just can't seem to find a solution. Training my mind is so much easier said than done.

Theres so much more to my life that I wish I could fit into a small summary, so you wouldn't get scared off by what looks like a giant novel. I don't want to seem like a brat, after expressing my experience in a rich community, but I'm not originally from california...i'm from the deep south and somehow ended up here.

Anyway. I just needed to vent. I've come a long way from where I was...this is all just silly worries that mean nothing in comparison to what was going on in my head at the beginning of my illness. That's one thing I can say I've learned...which I think originally was told to me by my psychiatrist--If you could sit down with yourself however many years ago, when all of this started, what would you say to yourself? I would probably say...CHILL THE F*** OUT.

If you read all of that I really appreciate your patience and commitment to this website and all of you contributors out there. Resources like this keep me going.

[Trippin2.0]

itsa hellava ride aint it? I'm not in sunshine mode, so I won't risk saying much except that I hope you like it here. Since I've joined, I've made some really great friends who are wonderful sounding boards. I hope you have a similar experience.

[BlueInanna]

Aw hun... what a traumatic experience to be taken from the high school like that people can be so mean and most don't understand or believe bipolar is real. My family is kinda like yours- I'm one of the only single moms in a wealthy community, people gossip a lot. Myself and 2 of my 3 kids are dx BP. It's tough, everyone else's lives look so cookie cutter perfect from my point of view (I'm sure they have their problems). And your problems are not ridiculous, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not sure what to tell you about isolating, I tend to do it myself. I don't love public places and being around a lot of people.

When you say you look back on the girl, yourself, and want to tell her to chill out, it's like you're mad at her. But that's not really fair is it? You were really struggling and going through a hard time. It's not your fault you have bipolar, it's not anybody's fault, it just is what it is. It's like you're double punishing yourself, you already went through that horrible situation, then you get mad at yourself on top of it. Try to look back at the girl in that time and have compassion and let her know things will get better. All these hard experiences are your life path. And I think they happen for a reason, maybe so that you can help others, I don't know. You seem like a very bright, well spoken woman, maybe you'll write a book someday. I would buy it and read it.

[geethanks]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Aw hun... what a traumatic experience to be taken from the high school like that people can be so mean and most don't understand or believe bipolar is real. My family is kinda like yours- I'm one of the only single moms in a wealthy community, people gossip a lot. Myself and 2 of my 3 kids are dx BP. It's tough, everyone else's lives look so cookie cutter perfect from my point of view (I'm sure they have their problems). And your problems are not ridiculous, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not sure what to tell you about isolating, I tend to do it myself. I don't love public places and being around a lot of people.

When you say you look back on the girl, yourself, and want to tell her to chill out, it's like you're mad at her. But that's not really fair is it? You were really struggling and going through a hard time. It's not your fault you have bipolar, it's not anybody's fault, it just is what it is. It's like you're double punishing yourself, you already went through that horrible situation, then you get mad at yourself on top of it. Try to look back at the girl in that time and have compassion and let her know things will get better. All these hard experiences are your life path. And I think they happen for a reason, maybe so that you can help others, I don't know. You seem like a very bright, well spoken woman, maybe you'll write a book someday. I would buy it and read it.

That is so sweet of you. Thank you for your input and advice it reeeeally made my day. And I've always wanted to write a book and take a mess and turn it into a message, it's like you knew exactly... And you're right...I need to stop punishing myself for things I can't always control. People like you and others on this forum are such a blessing, and I'm so glad to find support from you all.

[BlueInanna]

Thank you so much for saying that, you made my night! Keep us posted here, we're here to help (and get help lol!) big hugs