(don't have to read this it's just for my own need...strange experience 'part one' of a series of many)

I never was one to think ahead much....make plans much do such and such....just acting out just losing it all the time just out of touch

I don't know how many times I did this....I would save up work just enough to buy the drugs from the man....calm sort of always calm sort of

...sort of calm.....pack a small bag always a toothbrush and powdered mash potato only incase I got hungry....

hop in the car and drive to a small town book a room for a few nights not expecting to leave and needing time to die my way

no heroine for me it was pure amphets going into my veins gram after gram one after the other and activate my ill mind fasten onto the high inside and hopefully die suicide

I never knew what I was doing and death would come for me in hallucinagenic overload when my body reached overwhelm...this one time

I sat on the end of the motel bed for three days without moving it was dark the entire time the sun melted blue what the moon would do.. frozen in place staring at the alarm sensor on the wall watching the red light flip on and off as the ghosts arrived and they did and moved around me I was being welcomed into their world initiated and still I sat calm sort of cold frozen in place I welcomed them and they just kept coming the air was thick with death my lonely funeral breath. I knew who they were I had seen them before just now much clearer and with no movement in my arms I could not shut my ears to the phantom hum of the otherworld as it displaced my surroundings

...and then it happened....3 days...the alarm sensor I was staring at stopped flickering and held tight there was a new presence and death did arrive and I had seen the devil before but this was much worse this was universal this was the destroyer of my existence making a special visit and yet still frozen at the end of the bed just a staring head too late it's way too late now I got what I wanted my heart was about to explode at 180 beats for three days....just out of sight it came for me I knew it was there I was about to leave on deaths terms and then the sun rose suddenly through the glass facing west ....the sliding door did just that and slid....as death is as solid as life

a black hole shadow glided impossibly slowly along the floor demanding my attention how can a shadow not be attached? ...unless it is from above me and yet the sun was burning into the scene connected only to itself and suddenly fog came out of my mouth transfixed my dead eyes followed it into the room the icy air touching me forcing me to feel....and then like tiny energetic birthday candles lit a path for me into the bathroom of this small town nowhere ever nowhere never motel insisting I stay there! bathe in pure cold lock the door tight! she instructed!...and one look at myself in the mirror I was desperately dead already who was she...?

the sounds I heard from then ....for the next few hours like a war going on beyond the door a fight to the death. violent jolts and thumping invisible villains brutal collisions of the ungodly with the angelic....and then after all that I was allowed out and the place....?

trashed!

and for two more days on my knees at the glass door she tapped to instruct me to open quickly to as she rounded up the remaining ghouls there were so many of them death never arrives alone.

she made me rest and healed me before she left scratching her name on the wall....amelia

within weeks of this I was entrusted to tutor my bosses 14 year old daughter in mathematics....aside from my labouring job
...she was struggling with maths...
I showed her how to do it!...she went on to kickass all her subjects.

her name was amelia

(many similar and vastly more absurd events have happened to me drugged and undrugged and I cannot tell a therapist because it's very personal and such things I need no healing from but just to feel involved in my own existence crazy as it is... is good enough for me)

[BlueInanna]

therapists don't understand everything that we know is true

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

therapists don't understand everything that we know is true

yep...makes me wonder what's the point of seeing one?

the "magical therapy breakthrough"...

this has eluded me for as long as I have looked for it

...it would take God to crash land in my lap to make me sit and watch..

and listen

...and this is exactly why I made such urgent efforts to detach ...so often.

and God did land in my lap.....but it's not of this world....cannot be "tuned" into daily life

but I wish it could have been over then.....there was something innocent and noble about how I gave up

ever since I have been polluted with artificial "feel' rights!"

and am just confused...or I'm just getting old before my time

dubblemonkey burnout!

[BlueInanna]

i think you've been old before your time for quite a long time.

you want to know something, if you're brave enough to be honest, i'm a freakin warrior and can be honest too: my pdoc is basically my drug dealer.
i like my adderalls, i like my clonopins, i like welbutrin... but she sees the bipolar and I pretty much take the lithium so i can have the other stuff.

but then i have my times where i quit everything and want to be pure and cleansed and one with the earth.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

i think you've been old before your time for quite a long time.

you want to know something, if you're brave enough to be honest, i'm a freakin warrior and can be honest too: my pdoc is basically my drug dealer.
i like my adderalls, i like my clonopins, i like welbutrin... but she sees the bipolar and I pretty much take the lithium so i can have the other stuff.

but then i have my times where i quit everything and want to be pure and cleansed and one with the earth.

the only way I can be one with the Earth Blue...medically?

is to rot in the dirt faster than they can fill my next prescription.

an example:...after adhd diagnosis...

nearly pooped my pants on the way to the chemist and did in actual fact once! several times over several months........just to whack that crap up my arm....same with benzos...pain killers whatever....

ever see a guy running fast for no apparent reason? "there goes bipolar mad nutboy jimmy finding his way out so he thinks! just try stop his feet break the necks and minds of those in the way"

the only thing that holds my head together is my hands and it's a pity I need them to do other things

....oops forgot what I was saying

..yep I really did....sorry Blue