...yeah it's an odd way to describe it but it's sorta the only way I can describe it.

and I'm decidedly mentally and emotionally 'incontinent' without medication...meaning I have little or no control over feelings, moods and urges.

...but I still feel all 'held back', not all of the time but alot of the time and I know it's for the best I mean only 3 months ago I stopped taking my pills because I desperately wanted to "re-activate" myself and within 4 days I was in the damn hospital getting chained to a bed again...whoops!

I was only put on the valproate last year but had been on several antipsychotics previously but due to substance abuse over many years I was a pharmaceutical train wreck and nothing was ever consistent.

...so I am more stable sure but am 'down' alot more flat and useless quite often cos I cannot tap into those naturally unbalanced energies I got so familiar with...but as I prove again and again it seems I cannot handle them?

[Moose72]

I hate Zyprexa but I take it because without it I'd be paranoid, psychotic, diassociating, and my emotions would be at one or both extremes. I might land in the psych ER and actually be admitted this time. If I liked being miserable and racking up insurance $ I'd go right ahead. (I also take lithium.)

yep I hear ya...you don't like having to take it but if you don't take it then there can be alot of damage done