[purpledaisy]

I've been at my job for about a year and a half. This is the first time I've had a job that leaves me with money leftover after I pay my bills. What a weird feeling this is.

As great as it is to finally make decent money for where I live, I'm not happy.

Part of it is my usual job-hopping tendencies. After a year, I get bored at a job. The longest I've ever stayed at one job is 3 years. Really liked that job and actually used my degree at that job, but I suddenly quit.

The current job is with a fabulous company, great ethics, treat employees well, excellent benefits, above average pay for where I live.

But I don't understand some aspects of my job. It gets into some techy (almost IT) stuff, which I have never been qualified to do and have never been interested in.

I've been reprimanded and almost fired 3 times and feel like I'm getting dangerously close to #4 and possibly they'll do it this time instead of warning me.

I can't get things done fast enough.

I lose interest.

I daydream.

I don't pay attention.

They have to explain things to me more than once.

Other times, I zoom through my work so fast that I make mistakes and spend so much time going back to fix them that it doesn't matter that I got it done before deadline.

I decide to change procedures because my way will be better, but I still don't know my job well enough (really high learning curve at this place) to know what I'm screwing up. Then I end up with a supervisor acting as mediator while the person who trained me tries to explain why I need to do it his way and not my way. But I'm so hell-bent on how much better my way is than his.

The list goes on and on.

I'm going to try to keep this job as long as I can because the medical insurance, short-term disability, and long-term disability insurance are all excellent.

My goal has always been to freelance (writing, proofreading, etc.) on my own and get enough work coming in that I can work from home again. I've branched out and tried this a few times in my life. It hasn't worked so well in the past, but I feel like I've learned from my mistakes. I need to stay forcused instead of going back to bed for the entire day. I need to get clients instead of talking about getting clients. Stuff like that.

But now I'm wondering if it will even be possible for me run my own business when I can't even get my head screwed on straight.

At the pharmacy the other day, I asked for a list of what my meds would cost if I didn't have insurance. A couple of prescriptions were $4 each for the month, but the Abilify was $680. Can you believe that?

So if I do branch out on my own, I'll have to make sure I have enough work coming in to handle $680 for Abilify each month, unless my RX gets changed to something cheaper.

Yikes!

Now that I look back at my job-hopping and getting fired often history, I can see where my illness has caused problems.

I've told myself that it was all because I'm an entrepreneur at heart and we don't do well working for others. Maybe that's true. Maybe I really could run my own business successfully. But I think a big part of it has to do with bipolar.

I've read a lot on these forums about people who have qualified for disability. That's something I had never thought about. Didn't know bipolar people had that option.

But then I'd be back where I was a few years ago, without a job, and without insurance, and unable to be treated due to the cost. I'm just now coming out from under that and getting treatment for the first time in about 20 years.

I suppose I just need to calm down and not make any big decisions until I'm actually seeing a psychologist to talk about things, and have a psychiatrist working with me on my meds. So far, it's just been my regular MD. We're working on getting in with a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Sorry. I'm just rambling now.

That happens more often lately because my kid is grown, enjoying this new freedom of his, and that means I spend A LOT of time alone while he's out with friends. Part of me is glad he's having fun and become such a great young man. Part of me dreads the day I become an empty-nester.

[hamster-bamster]

Get the short- and long-term disability policies off the Intranet and read them. It is important to get private disability instead of getting fired. Or, perhaps, you retain the option of qualifying for private disability through this employer even if fired - find out. If you get on disability instead of getting fired, you will retain medical insurance through the company. Moreover, the company might even pay your premium while you are out of work - find out. Yes, I easily believe the cost of Abilify because I pay as much for Geodon. I think you need to try to keep the job. Too many people know how to edit and proofread, even nowadays when you hear my pet peeve "I am doing good" soooo frequently (I swear I have heard it several times today!). You may not be able to compete in this marketplace, and with the added cost of medications you need to make more than the competition to break even. So even with the steep learning curve on your job, your job still remains the more viable, realistic option. Keep it at all costs, even if you have to go on the company-provided private disability first to stabilize on meds and learn skills. I will write more tomorrow. Good luck.

[cocoabeans]

Kind of boring job that you don't full understand but, in a good company? Good pay? Ethics? Ethics?

I have a boring job that anyone who deserved to graduate grade 7 could understand with a company who pays low for the area, has the most dysfunctional culture and politics and ethics? Well, I think one of the excecutives is vegan hahaha.

Appreciate what you have. Disability is only for when you really can't do anything else.

Besides, I know if I could just stay at home all day without the responsibilities of a job I'd be worse, what would be motivating me to at least function?

I hate my job terribly but, without the stability it provides? ...

[Clinte89]

Let me give you a tip on the abilify as it seems you take alot as i do lol anyway do a mail order pharmacy much cheaper. And good luck im sure everything will work out for the best. Keep your head up

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think disability is just for when you are completely unable to work. In this case, the OP is risking being fired from a 4th reprimand. It is better to go on disability than to be fired. You can get the meds mix put together that would help you get out of concentrate so that you can climb that steep learning curve you mention.

[BipolaRNurse]

You might want to research the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA). Bipolar disorder is a covered condition under the ADA, and your employer is obligated to provide you with reasonable accommodations so you can perform your job adequately and safely. The downside to this is that you have to disclose your reasons for needing the accommodations, but it's incumbent on them to work with you instead of disciplining you once you disclose.

I recently had to disclose my BP to my employer because of a similar scenario---I'd been making a lot of mistakes and forgetting to follow up on things, pissed off a couple of my residents' family members by not using the filter I usually utilize when dealing with obnoxious people. Luckily, I have a very understanding boss who 'gets it' and even runs interference for me when I'm having a horrible day; but not everyone is as fortunate as I, which is why the ADA is in place today.

[ktbelle373]

purpledaisy sorry for all the worries you have to think about, you sound like you have a lot of thoughts going on, do you think you might be manic? i know when im manic i cant shut my head up and i just keep thinking and thinking, that might be something you'd want to talk about when you get a phycaitrist. also you can get on medicare, its insurrance that the state pays for and if you have bipolar you would probably qualify. i wish you all the best!!

[purpledaisy]

Well, I do believe I'm manic.

Saturday I spent $40 on gifts for a toddler's birthday party. Then Sunday, 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave for the party, I saw a camera in a sale ad and decided I MUST have it.

I drove to the store, looked at the camera, and then chose a different one. It was a better one -- more features, better brand, higher original price -- but on sale for $200 ($20 more than the camera I had gone there to buy).

By the time I bought a memory card, batteries, and extended warranty, I had spent $250.

Then I drove 10 miles per hour over the speed limit down the highway to get to the party late, put the batteries and memory card into the camera, and took several hundred pictures.

Since I'm 100 lbs. overweight, there is no way in hell I'm going to buy a swimsuit (and I haven't bought one for at least 21 years), but I got into the swimming pool with the kids fully clothed.

Early during the party, I was talking fast and repeating "****" as much as possible during a conversation with a friend. She pointed this out to me.

Later, when most of the guests were gone, I stayed and talked with a couple of friends and I took the conversation into inappropriate areas, which is something I do often. I don't have an internal editor. I just talk about whatever pops into my head, whether it's poop or tampons or whatever.

When I got out of the pool, I noticed that I had missed MANY calls from my controlling, narcissistic mother. I had also missed a text from my grown son, warning me that she was on a rampage.

Her rampages are something I've dealt with my whole life. They usually involve her telling me how terrible I am, I'm an unfit mother, it's a miracle my child was never taken away by the state (and when he was younger, she would warn me that he was about to be taken away from me, when he wasn't), she brings up everything I've ever done wrong in my life, she brings up the fact that I "never" finish anything, etc.

She loves to tell me what a terrible person I am, and then sometimes she ends it with, "Why can't we have a relationship like other mothers and daughters?"

I observed one friend on the phone with her mother recently, and a friend today talking with her mother in person at this birthday party, and I thought, "Gee. These mothers and daughters are speaking to each other as if they were two friends. They're not yelling at each other. The mother isn't trying to destroy the daughter. They're talking about whatever is going on."

Gee, maybe we can't have a relationship like other mothers and daughters because -- oh, I don't know -- you're hateful as hell and I'm tired of leaving every conversation feeling like I should have been aborted.

What's really funny (funny???) is when she'll end these rampages and then call me at work the next day, using her fakey-fakey-happy voice, and ask if I want to go to lunch.

Lunch?

You want to go to lunch?

With me? The person you hate SO MUCH?

If I'm such a terrible person, why would you want to have lunch with me?

Now she is mad because I did not meet the deadline that she imposed upon me to have my house cleaned and spotless so she can have the AC/heater worked on. (We live in a house that she owns, and I make the payments. In her mind, this means she should have say in all of my financial matters.)

So when I saw the text from my son saying she was on a rampage, I decided to ignore her calls and voicemails. My cell phone is for my convenience, not hers. I don't have to answer it each time it rings. Especially when I started my morning by being awakened by her calline me, letting it ring 25 times, hanging up, calling again, letting it ring 25 times, and repeating this.

Tonight she started leaving voicemails.

"It's 6:30. I need you to call me immediately."

"It's 7:00. I called you a half-hour ago. Why haven't you called me back? I need a call NOW."

Now I'm wondering if I need to sit her down and give her a talkin' to, like she always does to me. Turn the tables. I'll do all of the talking this time and she'll do all of the listening.

Maybe she needs to be reminded of my diagnosis and give me a freakin' break once in a while.

I've managed to keep myself from being hospitalized for this, work full-time for the majority of my child's life, finish my bachelor's degree in my 30s, start a master's degree, all while raising a child on my own without any help from my ex-husband.

Back when I was diagnosed, she refused to believe it. "No, you're not bipolar. Things like this don't happen in our family. What would I say to people? We can't tell anyone. How bipolar are you? To what degree? To what level do you have this? Will you get over it?"

So on top of trying to:

* Get my meds figured out while my regular MD tries to get me in to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist

* Keep from getting fired at the job where I have already been reprimanded and now I'm walking on eggshells

* Trying to use my hours away from work to RELAX instead of answering my mother's every beck and call to do what SHE thinks I should do with my free time

* Work on getting the house spotless (and I am NOT a good housekeeper -- learned my terrible skills from my own mother) so the AC/heater guy can come, even though I'm sure the AC/heater guy has seen houses in worse shape than mine, and even though he can get from the front door to the heater closet just fine

...now I have to worry about her threats to evict us from this house.

I should have listened to my first therapist, 21 years ago, who told me if I ever moved back to the town where I grew up, I should actually live maybe 30 minutes away rather than in the same town with my mother because she would try to control my life.

Control my life is exactly what she has done all these years.

I haven't told her that I'm getting myself figured out with meds and working on getting therapy again. She figured the bipolar disappeared. If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

Plus I was sick of her saying, "Didn't you take your meds?" anytime she didn't agree with something I said. Of course, if I disagree with her about something, it's the bipolar talking and not me. Because everyone knows there is no reason to disagree with your mother EVER.

It's 1:00 a.m. and I'm not tired at all.

Guess I'd better return that camera tomorrow. I'm probably going to need that $250 to go toward finding a new place to live.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, although the ADA does cover for bipolar, I find that at my company that doesn't matter. Bipolar is an "excuse" for people like me....? So, becareful about disclosing before you do. I was naive to think if I disclosed it would help them understand. Instead it made it worse. I'm also reprimanded a lot for mistakes and problems I have that are a direct result of my bipolar.

My one advice is keep track of everything. Print out e-mails or memos that show how you're treated, especially if you ask for help and they deny you.

Good luck.

[~Christina]

Im sorry your getting hit from ALL sides ... Bless your heart ((( Hugs )))

The only thing I can really add is in regards to telling your employer about your Bipolar ... Personally I would never disclose this and the reason being I have seen family members and close friends inform there employers about Bipolar and other mental health issues ... The end result was they eventually ( within 6 months) lost there jobs .. of course they weren't fired due to "bipolar or whatnot" the employers always had "other reasons" for it ..

I know people should be covered by the ADA laws ... Of course you can disclose to your employer and if you do lose your job you can always sue for wrongful dismissal, But thats an issue that the courts would get involved and thats a very slow process meanwhile you still have bills and need to eat .

Do you have short or long term disability thru your employer? I once used my Long term disability My doctor just stated I needed to be off work for 60 days .. there was no specific reason or diagnosis given .. My employer asked me what was wrong and my reply was its a private matter and said that under HIPPA laws I did not have to discuss my health with them.. were they happy? Nope ...

SO if you have short term or long term disabilty thru work maybe you can look into using them ... maybe taking a " break " from your job would allow you to take a breather and kinda regroup..

As far as your mother goes ... ugh ... Im going to be a smarta** here and saw go get her a muzzle As far as her threats to evict you goes... Pffft its takes on average 4-6 months to legally evict someone ... Blah let her " bark"

As far as losing your health insurance goes ... every county has assistance for mental health .. When I first starting seeing my Pdoc and Tdoc I had fantastic health insurance .. it ended Jan 1st of this year .. I am still being seen weekly for Tdoc and every 2 months or sooner with Pdoc .. They also contacted and filled out all the paperwork with drug companies so I now receive stock bottles of all my meds .. So there is help if for whatever reason you lose insurance .

You have sooooo much on your plate at one time I really feel for you .. Sometimes we all need to just take a big step back. When I get so overwhelmed I often sit down and write things down on a legal pad 1.things i can control 2. things i cant control 3. and things that i can delete from my life to make me less stressed .

Hope I didnt ramble to much .. I tend to ramble often... I use to be able to make sense with alot less words ... Damn my meds Hahahaha

Welcome to PC I hope you can find the support you need here,,, I know I did

[hamster-bamster]

Do not buy extended warranties next time, they are a rip-off.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think the key to disclosing and showing discrimination is the paper trail record of contact with you (such as by e-mail.) This trail should go before you disclosed and after to show any changes. I know a woman who printed off every single e-mail ever sent to her by anyone at her job. She kept them in order in a folder. She was fired (not for bipolar but for something else,) and filed for unemployment. The company denied her because she was fired, not laid off. Well, she took her stack of e-mails to the unemployment office and when they witnessed how she was treated she won.

I'm serious, if you're in an abusive job environment you need to prove it. If you do disclose and you're treated worse or different after, then you have proof. It's sad we live in such a world.