[Daizee]

I have been having a really rough time this week. I go see my psyciatrist tomorrow, but I feel unless I talk, or type to someone I am going to go nuts.
I am so depressed, I am so tired. I keep imagining these unthinkable things in my head. Weird bizarre thoughts that scare me. In the middle of work I imagined myself laying down in the back corner of the office and falling asleep and seeing how long it took for someone to notice I was gone or find me. I also keep imagining hurting myself, not killing myself, but hurting myself. I have never cut myself or anything like that before, but i keep imagining myself cutting myself, or punching myself, or slamming my head into a wall. Ok I know this sounds so weird. I am embarrased I'm even typing it.
I'm also having a hard time accepting myself lately. I feel distorted in some way. Like when I am around other people, I feel so inadiquate. Physically and mentally...but mostly physically. I feel so ugly and discusting, i am having a hard time even facing people when I speak. And Mentally, I have been so slow and have been taking a few minutes to answer the easiest questions at work.
I've also been picking my skin. On my face and thumbs. I am beginning to look so gross I don't even know what to do.
To top this all off, I have a child. So I HAVE to get myself up and moving daily and take him to school, the most dreaded place ever. I am sooo nervous andd anxious as I walk up to his class that I can barely breath and get so sweaty it's humiliating. I honostly don't know what to do with myself or my life. The thoughts in my head are terrible and hurtful to not only myself but other people I care about...and I'm starting to spurt out mean things to people I love, and the worse part is I don't seem to care at the time, and then beat myself up about it for days.
I just want to feel better, I want to be able to love myself and who I am, but I don't even know who that is anymore.....

do you have anyone that you can talk to in real life? a counselor or therapist? a minister. i can feel that you are in real pain. i have to go to bed, but i wanted to touch base with you. i'll be on tomorrow. please keep me updated. i care about your feelings. pat