slap me hard...

Well, I ended up taking Elavil, for the first time in my life - the lowest dose possible at which it is not an AD but a muscle relaxant, to help sleep. It worked. I slept for many hours - too many - and was groggy in the morning, which made me anxious about my performance. So I did take a quarter of a pill of Klonopin, and it was the right choice - I had no anxiety during the interview. I in general performed well, was alert and thinking on my feet etc (it was very tiring), but once I lost a word. The word was "plot" (in the statistical sense). I rarely use it, that is why I think I lost it. It is slowness from Lithium, as my former p-doc explained to me, it is not a "senior moment". I used descriptive words to circumvent the problem and I do not think that the guy noticed. What was unfortunately noticeable was hand tremor. Just slight - not as bad as during my interview in February - but it was there, even though I dropped Depakote two days ago. It must be still present in my system. So I am afraid that they will decide that I am a nervous person, although my posture, speech, and delivery of answers speak the opposite. But oh well, there is nothing to be done about it now. And, I had a migraine starting right before the interview - had to take Imitrex to squash it (successfully). With all the problems - sleep and the migraine - I think I did my best. Now I have to wait for a long time because I was their first candidate.

Really proud of you Hammy! Question. Are you sure the tremor's from the depakote? I got the shakes from lithium...

Glad you got it done, and quite well it sounds! I wouldn't worry if they think you're nervous... you are supposed to be a bit nervous during an interview. Industries are different, but when I would interview and then discuss the candidates with my staff, we might say - she was really sweating, and another might say - well it's an interview, what do you expect. Looking like you're a bit nervous is so much better than someone who shows up for an interview and seems like they don't even want to be there, and are not even trying - I've had those sort of applicants before. Anyway, kudos, you worked hard for this one.

Many people asked me this question. Yes, I am sure. I was on Depakote alone and had shakes. I was on Lithium alone and did not have shakes. Now I am on both and have shakes, and they diminished when I reduced the dose of Depakote, so it is without a doubt from Depakote. But thanks for suggesting an alternative cause!

Thank you, that is actually good to know. It was mild shaking, so "a bit nervous" describes it exactly well.

But now I want off Depakote. I just realized that it is kind of silly not to use my ex' method of preventing migraines (downing more than 12 glasses of Vitalyte a day, more if exercising) because Vitalyte has calories and sugar, and at the same time rely on Depakote which has been known to cause weight gain in me. Maybe if I switch to Vitalyte and drop Depakote, my weight will stay the same? But no shakes. Worth trying? So that is my goal now. Of course, the Vitalyte method is way more bothersome and time-consuming (all that drinking and peeing) than popping two pills at night, but at present I feel this is worth it. My former p-doc said that I can stop taking Depakote as a psychiatric drug, so it is purely neurological now and I am entitled to experiment. Wish me luck!

looks you done fine. Don't worry about forgetting one word... it happens to everybody.

even if you don't get picked, you know you are capable and didn't screw up.

Thanks, that is exactly how I feel. And I got training for taking similar interviews in this industry in the future - something I eventually will have to do because my current position is only until June. I got industry exposure and that is a wonderful thing. It is not my current industry, which is why I care so much.

You are probably right, forgetting one word during a tough interview can happen to everybody - I am probably too quick to attribute it to a Lithium's side effect. It I truly had it as a Lithium side effect, it would have been happening all the time. As it stands, I have more fingers on my hands than the instances of forgetting a word in the past. So I probably should leave Lithium alone.

Very cautiously, not to jinx it, reporting interim good news: so far I am the best candidate and they need to look at only one other person. That means that at worst I would be second best, and I have been told that there is SO much work that likely in a few months they would create another, second, position. So even if that remaining person wins now, I would have a good chance of getting the second position down the line.

YAY!!!!! Crossing my fingers and toes for you!!!!

I love it about the toes!

I hope it goes beautifully!

Great news Hamster! I have read your recents posts and I think you have done very well, despite all of the stressors in your life!

No news... Not even a response to my "checking in" message on Friday. I do not like it. The only explanation I can think of: they got serious thinking about my candidacy and started informally contacting my former team in another company where the hiring manager used to work as well, and this way found out about my past disability leaves. Looks as if the past kept haunting me!

No news is no news, easy for me to say. Projection?

Maybe. Wrote to my contact at the company. Just recently - have not heard back yet.

Just more time to wait. The recruiter wrote:

We have one more guy interviewing for this role. I would have to collect his feedback by tomorrow. I have no additional news. I will keep you posted. I think next week we should make our decision.

did he write you this unsolicited? or had you asked him?

I asked her on Friday if she needed more information from me. Silence, until this response today. To that response, I wrote "thanks! count me as interested!" and got back "Thanks - will get back to you soon."

That is all.

Fabulous positive response from you to her!! Sounds like you're still in the running, and good thing you're reminding her about you and how fabulous and friendly and interested you are! Everyone likes to hire a go-getter hungry for the work. By the way PM me if you ever want a letter of recommendation, I have letterhead! jk (but seriously, anytime)

Speaking of a letter of recommendation...

There is a guy at the company that fired me when I did not return from the disability leave that followed the suicide attempt. Let us call them company A. He worked with me for several months. He is an engineering manager. He wrote the most glowing performance review for me, which sure helped when I got promoted (I am a weirdo - I was commiting suicide several months after being promoted ).

Then there was a suicide attempt, he knew about it - the whole mess.

Later on, when I was looking for a job and just beginning to build my LinkedIn profile, I asked him for a recommendation. He declined, citing as his reason company A's policy not to provide recommendations. I inquired further and found out that company A does not provide personal references but LinkedIn recommendations are allowed. In fact, I have a LinkedIn recommendation from my first tech lead, from several colleages, and from one former report, all from company A. But I never asked this guy, Steven, again. I never wrote to him saying "You know, there is no such policy - look at all the recommendations on my profile!".

And now I am thinking that maybe I should ask him. If he declines, this will reveal his real reason: he does not want to have anything to do with me. I will understand. I won't die. But if he agrees, I will send the recruiter and the hiring manager a link to my updated profile for them to take a look. This will really show them that I am seriously interested.

At the same time on some level I am afraid of his rejection.

What do you think? Is it worth a try? If you think it is worth a try, can you help me draft a letter to Steven?

hmm... that's a lot to take in... I will gladly help you draft the letter to Steven.

I could contact him and ask if he recommends you? Then we would know for sure.

But first, you may as well ask him for a LinkedIn reference. I don't use LinkedIn. I've had an aversion to it because one of my estranged half-sisters was inviting me, after I'd finally gotten her out of my life.

But we have these potential customers in Australia who just hate facebook and say we have to get in on LinkedIn, that it is so much better. So, I need to get up to speed with it, so that I don't look like such an idiot to them. They are a potentially huge account. And I have this stupid anxiety about LinkedIn!

He would say that his employer prohibits personal recommendations and would be correct.

Here is what I think I can write:

Hi Steven,

I hope this email finds you well. I hate to bother you with a request, but it is something quick. Last we talked about it, you would have been willing to write a LinkedIn recommendation for me if not for company A's policy against such recommendations. I quickly found out that company A does not prohibit LinkedIn recommendations and in fact you can see quite a few on my profile LINK. But I did not want to bother you so I did not ask you even though I discovered that recommendations are allowed.

Now I AM asking. Here is why: I am now temping at company B and I have recently interviewed at company C. The hiring manager at company C used to work at company A. The position at company C is perfect to me because it is exactly up my alley: it draws on my experience working in team XYZ at A. I had a good interview. At some point the recruiter called me and said that I was so far the strongest candidate by far. They even invited me for a tech talk, and I attended, of course. But they needed to talk to another guy... then they were silent for a while, and now they are telling me that they are talking to yet another guy and will make a decision next week.

So I am definitely under consideration, but it is tough. I think it would be splendid if I could send a note to the hiring manager saying "Hi Daniel, Just briefly - here is a new recommendation from my former colleague Steven from A." And my hope is that you will do what M. (my first tech lead) did: just take the performance review that you once wrote and reformat it for LinkedIn. I was hoping that it would not take more than 15 minutes.

Thank you,
H-B.

Now Blue, here is another option. I know Steven's friend at A., Joe. I did not work with him professionally, in fact, I barely met him in person, but he helped me a great deal when he found out about my bp and suicide attempt: he recommended that I read "The Unquiet Mind" and that is how I asked for Lithium, which has been hugely helpful. And we correspond by email every once in a while. He is always very supportive and encouraging. So I can just state my situation to Joe and ask for his feedback on my letter to Steven.

Thank you!

I think the letter to Steven should be way shorter... let me think about it, so I can offer some decent advice. And contacting Joe sounds like a very good idea.

Need to eat something, will be back soon

Thank you, and I forgot to add that Joe is bp as well, taking a heap of meds. He felt like opening up to me when I was in trouble even though he barely knew me.

2+ years have passed since then, and.... they invited me again, to interview for a position that is similar than 2 years ago but at a senior level. A round of technical interviews during which I made only one mistake, but a very embarrassing one (), and they gave me an offer adding that the hiring committee voted for giving me an offer unanimously. That unanimous vote is extremely important to me - not as an ego thing but because I absolutely despise and abhor office politics, which is why knowing that nobody would harbor resentment towards me - the kind of resentment one might feel because "their candidate" did not get an offer and I did. And they were all super friendly.

The engineering manager who interviewed me when I made that embarrassing mistake (I forgot a very simple mathematical formula) reassured me that he was simply testing my memory and that actually he found that I was fresh-ER on math than some other people.

The manager agreed to give me extra sick days as accommodation for migraines - I do not get the attacks that often now, but when they come, I cannot work. I explained that it is not like: "I have a cough and will be working from home" but like: "I have pain at 8 and need to stay in a dark room for 24-36 hours".

So I am very excited but need to survive the next week or so while they are running the background check. My credit shows huge debt in child support, so I look like a deadbeat parent if you do not know the actual story. But in California, if they make a negative decision because of negative credit record, they must notify the applicant so that she could dispute the record. So my lawyer wrote a statement which I will provide them if they make a U-turn after seeing a negative report. The statement just says that the debt is an issue that is currently being litigated. Hopefully this will suffice.

I feel as if I were living in a fairy tale with miracles. I was getting more and more anxious with the job search going so slow, and then boom!