[Vigodits]

I am worried about what is happening to me.

Besides the everything else, I ruined a painting that I have been sweating over. Varnished with a matte varnish took the life right out of it. The varnish is permanent can't remove. It is indicative of me now. I read labels wrong, ignore directions.

I have system for taking my meds, if the bottles are upside down then I took my morning meds. Upright I took the evening dose. I look in the cupboard, the bottles are upside down I can't remember if I took the morning meds or I forgot last nights, I do that a couple times of day, so I assume that I took them, but I don't know.

I've been drifting through red lights. I actually think it is go on red. Did that twice today.

I walked by the computer and decided to write this thread and completely forgot I had stuff on the stove. I just smelled it. Trash. I can't afford to keep burning food.

My vision is off, I can't focus on anything close. These glasses are only 8 months old. Gets worse at night

I am only minimally present in the moment. It's not that I am thinking of something else I am not thinking anything period. I think this explains the traffic signalI am afraid to leave the house all the more.

I feel as if I am loosing all control of my mind.

Ruining that painting was another death. I am heart sick over it

I am afraid I have no support, help . Everybody I know is up to their ears with their own life. I have no one to hug, to be with. I have friends, they just have more pressing matters to attend to. It is ironic how this illness drive away the very thing that needs to be close

[creativelight]

There's no mistakes..

see the light, see the lesson.

The painting is taking it's own life, don't give it up.. turn it around into something else.. a variation.. use the so called mistake..

ALL that has been happening to you, THINK, where does it lead to? Is something missing? Could your subconcious be telling you something? Ponder, ponder.. take a moment to breathe it out..

[Vigodits]

I don't understand what you are trying to say. That painting gleamed with all the emotion I had for my daughter. The varnish snuffed it out.

The pic is of it before it got ruined.

[creativelight]

Originally Posted by Vigodits

I don't understand what you are trying to say. That painting gleamed with all the emotion I had for my daughter. The varnish snuffed it out.

The pic is of it before it got ruined.

lovely! (I feel how the varnish might have taken out all the vibrance)

I'm saying that you can turn around mistakes. That I don't even like to call them mistakes. However, I feel the frustration for you had fallen in love with it. Try another varnish.. experiment with the feelings and the media. It might become something else, something you didn't know you felt etc.. Give it a try.. who knows.. you might just love the outcome.

[Seaswept]

Hi vigodits. I'm sorry about your picture. Did your daughter paint it?

As far as how you feel, could you make an appt with your doctor?

Hope you feel better.

..I'm real sorry for your painting Vigs.

I know something of what that means and yep I'm another that just doesn't follow directions I am ahead of myself all the time tripping over the 'begun' stuff that is already far in the past if only minutes ago I have no time for directions.

...and the structure of civilisation!

please be careful on the road...I put a cover on my car when I park the damn thing at home to distract me from driving ...and putting on the cover is like putting a shower cap on a whale....there are directions of course.

[tnlibrarian]

No advice, just lots of hugs.

[Victoria'smom]

lot's of hugs. I'm sorry that something that meant so much got ruined. Try to get some microwave meals for now if you can or steam bags. Get a med box to keep track of your pills it costs about $2 for a 3x a day box. Please, please keep writing until you can have IRL support.

[Vigodits]

Miguel'smom, I have a bunch of those boxes around. Could never get into the habit of filling them out. I don't own a microwave for just the reason you suggested, preprocessed meals. I overeat that crap. Impulsivity you know.

Seaswept When Nicolette died I immediately contacted my pdoc. I begged for antidepressants, I was on them years ago, I knew the grief would soon stop me from doing all the things I had been doing to keep the Bipolar in some sort of stability. He was adamant. Grief is normal, no meds. So I am watching everything go to hell. I can't even get an appointment with a lousy pdoc let alone a good one. Eventually I gave up. I don't have it in me to resist the decline. Eleven years of hard work to get to where I was functional and then she died. Like when I was diagnosed I lost friends and family. Now I lost my med support. What is in my favor is that I have refills until December and if BD does what BD, does I will swing out of this. That is the only positive expectation. Hope is a four letter word, that and faith, I have no use for either.

creativelight. That 3' x5' canvas is out for the trash. The varnish can't be removed, I checked with Liqutex about that. I didn't look into seeing if I could paint over the varnish as the thought of recreating 2 months work is devastating. No, it is as dead as she is. I had promised it for a show.

So here I sit at 4:00 AM, erratic night time sleep, bed most of the daylight, no appetite, and no desire to function or make an effort to fight it. I am defeated. I have nothing in me to try. You know fate is a cruel thing, (I can't understand the value of god) within a week of my daughter dying all those who I counted on for support were taken away from me by their individual life obligations. Parental death, and birth of a grandchild, both very understandable distractions. I just am feeling the irony of it all.

So what am I to do? Nothing, I feel, since this painting died, impotent, defeated.

Originally Posted by Vigodits

BD does what BD, does I will swing out of this. .

this can be trusted

BD finds a way to adapt, ...painfull but also worthwhile that it did it's thing cos it will anyway...

there is always a way and underneath we are just people

You can ask your pharmasist to have your meds dispensed to you in blister packs. It's like the pill boxes, all sorted into the right meds atthe right time of day, and the blister pack is a weeks worth. They will give you a months supply at once or maybe more. Here there is no extra fee for this. You might have to get them to call your pdoc for this. But its a pretty fool proof system. I used this system when I was on multiple meds and couldnt remember to take them, or when too take them. Saves the guess work and trouble of having to remember to fill them your self.

Im sorry about your painting. I also paint and have ruined peices by accident.

[Vigodits]

I'm cheap. A month of lithium is $7.00. I looked into it, though no pharmaceutical company would tell me for certain how pure the Lithium they use or if they do anything magical to it, but they did tell me it is the same stuff potters use. Something like $15.00 for 25 pounds. I figured I'd weigh out the milligrams, probably the amount to fill a coke spoon and sprinkle it like salt on my meals. Verify blood concentration levels and I should be good to go the rest of my life.

[BlackPup]

nothing I can say will make it better, but I am sending many hugs your way
Please keep posting and reach out to those IRL, even if they are distracted they may be able to help you....

Originally Posted by Vigodits

I'm cheap. A month of lithium is $7.00. I looked into it, though no pharmaceutical company would tell me for certain how pure the Lithium they use or if they do anything magical to it, but they did tell me it is the same stuff potters use. Something like $15.00 for 25 pounds. I figured I'd weigh out the milligrams, probably the amount to fill a coke spoon and sprinkle it like salt on my meals. Verify blood concentration levels and I should be good to go the rest of my life.

I hope you are not seriously considering doing this. Horrible idea. Lithium is not something to mess with.