Help Me Out - Don't know what's wrong with me?!?

I'm unsure whether I'm depressed or have bipolar or if I'm just want to be so I have a reason to be feeling/acting as I have. Ever since I was small I've been quite an angry person, I got in loads of physical and verbal fights(mostly with boys - I'm a girl)when I was in primary school and I was always under stress because I'm a carer to my disabled mum and people were always make fun of me and talking about me. I'm also very antisocial and shy so I don't usually socialise and will avoid conversation and even find it difficult to make simple conversation with my closest friends and then some days I'll suddenly be really loud and disruptive in class(I've always argued with teachers)and be talking so fast I'm stuttering and I'll be smiling at strangers in shops.

I have a very low self esteem which pushed me to only wear large black hoodies and jeans two years ago(that's toned down a bit now)and also caused me to stop going to my youth group, that I loved, a few months ago because I didn't want the people there to see me. I don't leave the house unless I'm walking for exercise, going to school or going to the shops for my mum, turning down my friends when they invite me out. I often write songs that are downgrading and basically *****ing about myself as if I'm a separate person and am representing how I think other people see me. Also, there have been times when in my head I'm basically yelling at myself or I'm hearing yells that I can shut out after a few seconds, I don't know what's being said but it's just a cluster of loud voices, I'll remember it happening and then it'll just happen again. I'm quite pessimistic and feel as if there's no point in me being around as there's nothing memorable to look back on and nothing to look forward to and people don't benefit from me being around and I often daydream about this alternate version of myself living a good life and then feel worthless after I realise I won't live that life. I went through a period where I pictured myself ending up as an alcoholic(I don't drink at the time)and would find myself staring at the vodka bottles in off-licences and thinking about stealing the small shot bottles. I once drew a quite gorey slit on my wrist. I did start drinking taking little sips from my mum's wine bottles around four days ago and I have drunk everyday now which I know is stupid to do especially if there's a possibility that I have a mood disorder and I'm not exactly sure why I do it to be honest. Also, today I did purposely cut my arm (again I'm not sure why) whilst my mum was out but I wasn't very deep just enough for a little bit of blood to come out, it was the first time I'd done this. These things are really out of my character as I'm usually really wise for my age and I'm known as the responsible one. I don't even know if I had reason to do it and personally I contemplating if I did it to make myself more bipolar, that's possible, like I said I'm sure if I have it or if I just want to be.

I've lost many friends because of my sudden quietness and down attitude. I was never rude to them but I never told them what was wrong because I didn't know if I was overreacting and acting stupid or if it was something serious(that's why I haven't gone to a psychiatrist or my GP yet). Lately, I have also been fighting back tears for stupid things like seeing friends I used to have laughing together or getting a detention for forgetting my homework. I have quite violent dreams where I'm fighting people from school who have made fun of me, the kind of fighting that'll get you sent down for GBH. I've also noticed that I'm forgetting things a lot lately, for example I'm talking to my mum and mid-sentence I'll forget what I'm talking about and I've found myself daydreaming a lot more during the day even when watching tv and reading. It takes me ages to fall asleep sometimes an hour and no matter how late I fall asleep I'll wake up around 8am. I also have periods where I'm basically not feeling or thinking anything, almost empty, which is frustrating as I try to force some emotion or thoughts into myself and nothing comes. Also, I've had a increased interest in sex as before I was the typical awkward teenager but the past few months (definitely the past weeks) I've been reading magazines like cosmopolitan and talking about sex with my friends especially the boys at my school (not in a flirty way - I think.) I've noticed that I nearly always tired and dizzy(especially when getting out of bed, everything goes black for a few seconds) and sometimes when standing I noticed that I find it hard to keep my balance. I have a constant headache that just wanders from throbbing stabs to dull fullness and also shoulder joint aches. I will have periods when I stop playing my instruments because I'll think 'I'm crap there's no point' and stay away from them for weeks and then one day I'll wake up and write a song straight away before I get out of bed. My appetite is also odd as I'll eat a large amount of food (not mountain size but larger than my mum) and I'll be full and then five or ten minutes later I'll be hungry again and I'll basically have to avoid my hunger so I don't overeat and then some days I'll wake up 8am and not eat breakfast till 2.
I'll also go from feeling over the moon and really optimistic to feeling worthless and empty in what seems like a few seconds.

I heard that in teenages, symptoms are milder and that episodes change quicker 'rapid cycling' and that also confused as two days ago at school my mood went from hyper and jumpy in first period to being irritable and feeling worthless and lonely in third even when around a large group of my friends and then back up in fifth after my friends made me laugh then back down for the next one and half days.

I know that people may say that it's just hormones and that cause I'm a teenage girl but it honestly doesn't feel like that as I've always a bit more emotional than the other kids and my mood changes happen at anytime or day or month not just between or at the end or start of my menstrual cycle. I also went through quite a depressed stage around February that lasted for around a month or two.

I heard that exercise helps with depression which made me notice a change in my moods lately as I've taken up walking and pilates lately as an attempt to lose some weight (as I'm insecure about my appearance) which I feel has calmed down my strange appetite and I don't feel as up and down when I exercise although I feel the same when I'm not exercising.
I've done loads of self diagnosis tests online, that I know aren't 100% reliable but they do give you an idea of if you're suffering from bipolar or depression, and I've passed everyone that I've done but I don't know if that's just me saying anything to convince myself I have it as on some tests it's blatant what answer will get what result.

So...am I depressed, bipolar or just trying to be??

I'm fifteen if that helps.

Also, I know it's a lot of information and that but I'm seriously worried as today I was really aggressive with my french teacher over the smallest things - when all of last week I was quiet and reserved- and swore at him and slammed the door after he gave me an hour detention for not doing a 20 minute. I don't know if I was just acting up.

Welcome, you write really well for your age. I would print this out and give it to your GP. It could be a physical illness, hormone issues, mental illness or a combination of all of them. Please rule out physical and hormonal issues before even looking at mental issues. I think while exploring other avenues you should see a therapist to deal with the emotions that come.

That is excellent advice. Couldn't have said it better myself.

It sounds like you've had a hard life and a think a therapist would be really helpful to deal with the self esteem problems.... it can be hard to find a therapist that you relate well with so it might take trying a few different people.
I agree with Miguels mom and think you should talk with our GP about this, it could be something like BP or depression and you might need treatment.

Exercise does help, but often its not enough on its own, especially if you are thinking about hurting yourself.

Sending you lots of s and wishing you all the best, keep on posting and let us know how you are coping. Writing posts on here can be a great way of processing how you are feeling.

Also try to get 8 hours of sleep each night, sleep is a big factor in BP.