[hamster-bamster]

I just realized it. When I was in elementary school, I liked coming to school really early. I was in competition with a lovely short boy from my classroom. Usually, he was the first one - he lived closer to the school, but occasionally I would beat him. And then we would wait together for the school to be opened by whoever had that responsibility on a particular morning. Towards middle school I would be late at times and by high school I was perpetually late. Most of my adult life I was perpetually late.

Not any more. I am usually the first person to enter the meeting room, and when the meeting is in an unfamiliar room, I go check the room's location in advance so as to avoid looking for a strange place at the last moment! Don't want to be stressed out! This is so strange, so unlike me! I have never been late to my current mental health clinic - I know how long it takes to get there (two hours), I check the public transit schedule in advance and I arrive on time. Weird! Even boring! I mean, it feels very nice and safe and secure, but a bit boring. I realize that before I was perpetually hypomanic and in that state I craved that last minute rush. My mom used to say that I always believed that in a certain span of time I would be able to do A, B, C, AND build a house. It sometimes did happen! And when it did not happen, I did not learn from experience and continued to believe the impossible, cramming events into my schedule. And I was always trying to catch a vehicle, be it a bus or a cab. I ran fast to be able to catch a bus one day before my first baby was born! I wasn't hugely pregnant with him, but still. And I caught that bus! And it was fun! Analyzing it now, there clearly was an element of fun. I have my senior moment now - I have lost a verb - how do you call running across the street in front of oncoming traffic where pedestrians are not supposed to be crossing? I did this beginning in middle school! And it was fun! And it was NOT in California where drivers are so polite and yielding! No, think more like Manhattan.

My first p-doc noted in his records that on my last visit I spoke of intentions to accomplish a myriad of things in a short amount of time, driving from place to place. And he told me how he knows that the red light takes several minutes and plans for that. And I did not plan for that! He lectured me, instead of realizing that Lamictal monotherapy was clearly insufficient. He thought that his job was to tell me about the red lights. To educate me. An idiot! And it took me a suicide attemt to realize that he was not treating me right.

At any rate, I am glad that I am for once so reasonable but I MISS THE RUSH.